I get a good feeling

I’m listening to the Flo Rida song “Good Feeling” which is awesome. Mainly because he included old tapes of Etta James singing in this song. I mean who does stuff like that?? It had Allie and I fooled. She had told me it was Adele. I’m inspired to listen to weird classical music. All of that serialism, minimalism and all of that weird stuff that composers wrote in this century. We went to the scholarship concert the school of music held. It was odd because name was in the program for scholarships. However, all four choirs performed Mozart’s Requiem Mass which was AWESOME! Especially the Kyrie. Most of Mozart’s music is super giddy and happy, or as Philip said “elevator music”, but this Requiem Mass has some deep and very emotional parts to it. I think I had a musicgasm while listening to it.

This week seems like it has all been about music. Which is probably a good thing since it is my major. The more things I go to outside of Intervarsity/music events, the more people I realize that I know. It is slightly scary. People keep throwing the world “popular” at me, but it I think it is just a bunch of BS. Being popular is different. I just am nice to people and try to be a really good friend and I have a warm personality. Hence my INFPness… For those of you that don’t know what that is, go and take the Myers-Briggs test. One common thing that I don’t think people understand in our extroverted world is that I’m an introvert. I just generally don’t appear like one because….check this… my personality type is able to act like the opposite, but it is very energy draining.

I’ve noticed a hierarchy of status with people in my life. There are the people that I know who they are and the people that know who I am. Then there are the people I know a lot about because I’ve listened to them talk and I’ve facebook creeped. Then there are the people that when they are finished talking, they listen long enough to hear what I have to say. That is the three levels, it is not complicated but that’s the way it is. Everybody has their spot and I love people a whole lot. I think there is good in everybody, even the people we think are complete idiots, or douchebags or others such things. You just have to look for it.

Songs I love:
Flo Rida – Good Feeling
Skylar Grey – Invisible
Pink – It’s All Your Fault

Music stuffs…

I don’t know why but recently I’ve felt super super inspired to do things.  Such as practice the piano, learn how to sing better, practice playing chord piano, make up dialogues in my head, learn how to dance REALLY well, read books etc… I’m not sure that I’ll have time for all of this but I’m going to try.  Especially since summer is coming up and there will be some loads of free time.  Also because I’ve decided Saturdays are my empty days.  I won’t do anything on those days except possibly go to a concert in the evening.  That is what happened last Saturday.  Also it is a day which is reserved for wearing something different than I normally would.  Today I am wearing a dress which usually sits in my closet all day.  Kate and I attended the beautiful Jackie Steven’s junior recital.  Jackie sang wonderfully and I got to meet her mother which was cool.  I love meeting people’s family.  It shows another side of them which I love seeing.  I don’t like seeing one side of people.  I like seeing many different sides.  Them with you, them with their friends, them with their family, them stressed, them happy, them tired etc… Then I feel you get to know the whole complete person, or at least more of it.

In class we listened to Therody for the victims of Hiroshima.  It is a classical piece attempting to depict what it would sound like if an atomic bomb dropped.  It is very very ear shattering.  Go listen to it, but be warned that it will be very grating and not very pleasant.  I had  heard it before this class only because of Philip.  He is such a classical music nerd.  It’s always listen to this, listen to that and before you know it I feel more cultured because of it.  I tend to get lazy and seek out pop or rock music and not classical music.  I do like the aspect of the words in it but in this semester of Music History we are studying modern music and my interest has been peaked.  Partly because half of the stuff my professor talks about, I had already discussed with Philip at some point during the two years I have known him.

I’m supposed to talk about guilt in my next post.  Ergh, here we go.  I’ve developed a guilt complex over the years.  I’m not sure exactly where I got it.  I might have mentioned something like this in earlier posts in the form of perfectionism.  I feel guilty for a lot of things.  Canceling plans with people, saying no to people if I don’t have a good excuse, having bad days, bringing up the person I am dating if the person I am talking to is single (most extreme example)… but I think you get the point.  This semester has been a lesson of not feeling that I owe people things or that I need to feel guilty and constantly be doing things for people.  It’s okay if I say no.  It’s okay if I don’t want to hang out with certain people.  I choose how my time is managed and not other people.  I choose what I do and not other people.  If somebody is trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to hang out with them, then that is their problem not mine.  If I am not in the mood to be around somebody then it’s okay to say that and it’s okay to not have good days.  That has no reflection on me or my character.  As Lady Gaga said “I’m a free bitch baby”. In fact being honest about all these things makes things better.  Hence the reason I can have a free day on Saturday.  Hence the reason that I can have a bad day and not talk to people.  Hence the reason I can now do what I want to do, instead of what other people want me to do.  I first realized it was a problem when Eren asked “What do you do for fun?” and I realized I had no answer to that because I did what everyone else did.  Philip helped me pinpoint that I had a guilt problem over this semester as we ran into different issues like that.  Hint hint: This all ties back to my idea of trying to be authentic. Basically if we aren’t being real with people and pretending that we enjoy spending time with them, or that we enjoy different activities where does that leave us? On the other side don’t take this to mean that you should be completely selfish and do whatever it is that your heart desires. I’m using this as an example when trying to be selfless goes wrong. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Especially as a Christian where there sometimes seems to be a standard of what you should be?

Songs I love:
Calvin Harris – Feel So Close
Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance

Research papers…

I’m totally procrastinating writing my research paper… I’m kind of sitting in the library wasting time. As far as having no motivation, that also applies to this blogpost. We are supposed to be writing weekly ones but I have simply lost my motivation for the past month but I’ve gained most of it back. Probably mainly to Philip coming to Lubbock to visit.

I meant to mention the drag show. I went to the one that Texas Tech GSA hosted and it was crazy the way the guys could dress so convincing as girls. One was dressed as Jennifer Lopez all sexified and stuff. So Amber handed me a dollar bill to give to him (her?) and she told me to give it to him in my mouth. I folded it up, stood up and had it waiting in my mouth, which he promptly bent down and took it from me with his mouth. No lips touched but it was pretty funny.
Speaking of Amber, we’ve been hanging out a LOT and we made an official declaration of being best friends. I have several people I consider my ‘best friend’ but they are the proud and the few. Her personally, we share the same birthday exactly. In fact I met her on my 20th birthday. She makes things super undramatic and super easy. That’s the best way to become my best friend. One of these days I’ll make an official list and I’ll thank every single one of them.

Next time I’ll try to talk about guilt and make it a super deep post.

Songs I love:
Enter Shikari – Gandhi Mate Gandhi
The Wanted – Glad You Came
Family Force Five – Never Let You Go

ONE MONTH

Today it rained and hailed. Shocking I know… Of course that means it is super windy, but it’s Lubbock so we all expected that.

One month is left of school. That’s exciting but really crazy. Today we went to the music store and I got some sheet music because they were having a big sale. Two Beethoven piano sonatas, Alberto Ginastera American songs and some Christmas music. I’m singing in worship for church now and I really like it because my singing I learned by ear.

Big research paper, recitals and composition are coming up!! D:

Songs I love:
Fun – We Are Young
Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
Gym Class Heroes – Ass Back Home

Marchhh

I went through my iPod and made a new playlist. It has all the songs I love but I forget to listen to because they are buried deep in the recesses of my iPod. On the list is hellogoodbye, demon hunter, maroon 5, FM static, American Hi-Fi, The classic crime… And other amazingness. I hope by at least hearing one of those names you started drooling. If not you need to update your iPod music.

Right now I’m doing Theory homework. We are studying 20th century music. There is so much math involved it is crazy. It’s also showing me why I love this period of music so much. One word: tritone. For those of you non music majors, it’s a weird interval sound that in “pretty classical music” you would never find.

Songs I love
Hellogoodbye – Here (In Your Arms)
American Hi-Fi – the Art of Losing
Flyleaf – Arise

Challenge accepted…

So in order to encourage more regular blogging, me and my friend Sam have decided to team up to bug each other into regular blogging. You can view his blog at supernerd64blog.wordpress.com. If we don’t complete the allotted weekly blogpost by saturday night than the other party is allowed to post whatever they wish on the other’s blog. I’m going to try and think of some really evil stuff because I’m pretty sure he’ll fail at posting first. :D

I was supposed to go to Georgia for my cousin’s wedding. That didn’t pan out. Unfortunately I was counting on that happening soo much that it was crushingly disappointing when it didn’t happen. It was kinda like the goal of everything and I was planning to just get out of Lubbock. It worked out because I had to learn to just get over the disappointment and find things to do, since I had canceled all my weekend plans in preparation for Georgia.
I met a cute little boy at the airport. He was waiting for his Uncle Jeremy to come home from Korea. I had just been crying from the stress of rushing to the airport and discovering that my flight had been canceled. He was very very friendly and very very sweet. He was six years old and soo cute!
“Look! I have an arrowhead necklace!”

Mom and I went to see the Vow at the theater. That movie made me cry four times so I am unsure whether it or Up is my new favorite movie. I cried three times during Up… It was about a couple who had been married for two months, then the wife has an accident and she wakes up and can’t remember the past five years of her life, which includes meeting her husband. The sad part about this movie was the part was when she didn’t remember him. He was trying so hard to be supportive but because she didn’t remember him she saw him as a stranger not a place of comfort. I could see how frustrated he was about it. It tugged at my heartstrings. It was based on a true story and that was the cool part too. It wasn’t a sappy romantic movie either. Now go see it before I ruin more of the movie for you.

As Spring Break is coming to a close, I did get almond roca, I did not see Philip (which actually turned out fine), I slept a ton and was really lazy, and I got to see Sam and Lauren two of my favorite people who live in Fort Worth. They are always nice people to visit with and I don’t feel weird or pressured or obligated to see them, I see them because I like to. So after all this laziness I’m ready to go back to school and tackle the rest of the semester.

Picture that is my phone background right now and it super inspiring says “You can’t change the world but you can make a difference.”

Songs I am loving:
Manafest – No Plan B
Gym Class Heroes – Stereo Heart
Styx – Renegade

Marchin’ On….

It is the month of March. Spring is so close to being here that I can almost taste it, but not quite of course. I hate that moment. I really really really really really want Spring Break to be here. I need to get away from people and I just need to talk to my family in general. Also I’ll get to see Philip for a little over Spring Break. I will not have seen him for two months so that will be extra nice. I’m planning on mom making me something to bring back. Possibly more almond roca?? I don’t know if that is something that it’s too hot to have or whatever but it’d be really nice. I also have a tiny list of people I want to try and make sure to see. If not then that’s cool but I’d really like to. I’d also just like to get some sleep around people I feel completely comfortable with. Nothing against my roommate, it’s just not the same as being home and sleeping with my siblings.

Nothing a huge deal has happened this past month. It’s more of just trying to get through things and survive. Not as in I’m drowning under things, just trying to get through things and not have a completely terrible attitude about it. It seems to get harder come each semester. I’m working this semester to identify people who bring me up and concentrate on seeing them when my mood is less than spectacular. I’ve also been identifying people who bring me down and I’ve been seeing them in smaller doses. It’s not that I can’t see them at all, I just know now when I can see them and when I need to chill a bit and avoid them. Stress management basically.
Right now, the main strategy that I came up with, thanks to Mackenzie… Is to make sure to eat regularly, sleep regularly and shower regularly. That helps a LOT. Normally when I’m not feeling so great or I’m feeling super down, I just avoid those three things because I don’t feel like eating, or sleeping or getting in the shower. But I’ve been keeping up with all of this pretty well.

I’ve identified that I absolutely abhor the question “What are you doing?” That makes me think three times as long to give a careful answer. That one is too easy for people to be like “oh you aren’t busy so we have to do something”. I never ever ever ever answer that I’m doing nothing. That way I at least can be doing something if I want to answer no. Because the people that usually ask “What are you doing?” are the type of people that would demand an explanation if I said no I didn’t want to. Usually an explanation is just complicated and weird and I’d have to make up reasons and so I’d just rather avoid the situation all together.

“Smile like you’ve got nothing to prove no matter what you might do, there is always someone out there cooler than you.” That is from the Ben Folds song There Is Always Someone Cooler Than You. I like the song because it speaks
about not thinking you are all that. It speaks about other things but I really really really like that first line.
The funny thing is that Philip always would talk about how great of a pianist is and I would always fuss and say how terrible he was, just to piss Philip off. But now that I actually listen, I love his music. Of all things.

Songs I love:
Ben Folds – There Is Always Someone Cooler Than You
Ben Folds – Rent A Cop
Ben Folds – Army