Faith, Love and Happiness

19 11 2011

Faith Love and Happiness is a good Thousand Foot Krutch song. Go listen to it.

Onto other business. I’ve been quiet for too long. I admit I have a terrible problem of just becoming quiet around people that I don’t feel comfortable with. I also have a problem with being assertive and confrontational. I have been better about that this year, with the people I feel comfortable with. I’m going to take this now to a whole new level and start it up with the people I don’t feel comfortable with. I’ve also been trying to be more open with people, especially people I normally am not. At the same time there are people that I just can’t open up to and honestly I am having problems being even just around them because I feel so weird and self conscious. One of them I have to see at least four times a week because of Intervarsity events. It makes me want to stab myself or something. Honestly Intervarsity large group just has been stressing me out and I’m not sure why. I honestly dread going and afterwards I have a huge headache. I also feel pissed off most of the time during it. Part of it is that one person but the rest is just..me being retarded. I’m working on it.

Faith… Right now I feel it’s in an odd place. I can’t let go of the fact that God is real. God is who he says he is. He is the Almighty God. But as far as why he has us here… that’s muddy in my head right now. Who says what it is to be a good Christian? The Bible does… but on something things like dancing, drinking, cussing, listening to ‘sinful music’, making jokes about dating girls and going to church. What makes them good? What makes them bad? Who gets to decide that? If you have thoughts by all means put them in the comments.
I have picked up the habit of cussing. I still haven’t convinced myself it’s a bad thing. I agree it’s bad to cuss in front of certain people because it offends them, but in general. As I said, I haven’t convinced myself that it’s bad. It’s helped me honestly. This summer is when I picked it up, working at Brownwood. Everybody cussed and it made me feel weird, except when I was with Cody and JoAnna. They were very awesome people and I felt very comfortable around them. Comfortable enough to cuss around them and feel okay about it. Now when I cuss it helps me not get depressed and just stuff my feelings inside. It helps me express my feelings, or at least acknowledge them. I have been crying waay less when things go wrong which I love because it is SO annoying for something to go wrong, get frustrated and start crying. I am prone to crying easily which I HATE.
Meanwhile I’ve also fallen into some other things which I’m not going to discuss here in detail. Either way, what I’m leading up to with all this is that I’m a leader in Intervarsity Christian Fellowship right now. If what I just wrote above is what is going on with me, does that make me a hypocrite? It does if that’s the reason God has us here. It means I’ve failed miserably. I don’t believe that’s the correct definition. I am having trouble talking to people “evangelizing” because I don’t feel I have a good grasp on why he has us here. I have fallen way out and down from quiet times because I’m trying to go about things and do them because it’s coming from the heart. Not because they look good and I will get the praise of men. Like as far as the cussing thing, it’s helping me express maybe frustration toward a situation instead of just bottling it up and saying it’s fine. I feel like everyone else on the Intervarsity Leadership team has a grasp on their spiritual life and I don’t. I’m probably wrong about that… but Mackenzie is the only person I feel that doesn’t feel the need to appear like she has it all together and that I can be completely honest with her. I haven’t told her about this yet… I talked to Sara, our staff worker and I hadn’t ever really thought about it before this, I just kinda hid my feelings. The only reason we discussed it is because she asked the right questions like she usually does.

Anyway so at the lunch table there is a bunch of people who sit there and lately some of the people have decided they can’t stand other people who come and it is their duty to bitch about them once they leave. Which I am thoroughly sick of and I will say something come Monday if they even start that shit. It really pissed me off on Friday but I couldn’t think of the words to say.

So that’s pretty much what’s running in my head at the moment.

Songs I love
Bjork – Army Of Me
Adam Lambert – If I Had You
OneRepublic – Stop and Stare

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