Guilt and other delicious things…

21 01 2012

Guilt

What do you think of when you first hear that word?? For me we have been pretty close friends and not in a good way. I in general feel guilty about things. I don’t like inconveniencing people, I don’t want to be the one who is late and people are waiting on, I don’t like people paying for me or giving me money. This winter break I gave up a lot of that guilt. It took a lot of praying, iron pumping and alcohol but I did it. I’m not completely over it because old habits die hard but I don’t die inside every time somebody does something for me that I deem “out of their way”.

I believe that to be the best person I can be I need to be authentic because that is more loving than just bottling up feelings and pretending that is okay. Old me would not want to talk to people about things because “it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things” or “I don’t want to bother them”. Honestly if you look at the people who truly care about you most and are there for you when you need them, and you don’t share your struggles with them you are denying them a chance to bless you.
I am very guilty of doing that to people. Avoiding them and trying to deal with it myself. That’s not a healthy attitude to take at all. Last semester it reached a point where I could NOT handle it myself and thankfully I had the wisdom to reach out to some people and talk about it.
Mackenzie
Bobby
Philip
Kate
Eren
Lauren
Sara
…were people who amazingly never seemed to get tired of hearing me talk about my struggles and things going on even though I know for a while it was all the same thing. Also with the mistakes I made, they didn’t sit there and judge me for it. They really showed me that even though I do stupid things, they still love me just because I am me and not because I do great things for them.
That is exactly how God loves us. He doesn’t love us because we have done great things or we are a “good Christian”, he just delights in the fact that we are his creation. That doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want because of that, but even when we mess up it is not the end of the world and he won’t stop loving us because of it.

Yesterday I gave a five minute testimony in front of large group about the past semester and what I’ve been learning as far as my views on God and religion. A lot of people I knew were there and that made me really nervous. I’m not the best public speaker anyway, but it went very well and I anticipated people getting upset and worrying about why I didn’t directly talk to them about these questions about God but they didn’t. It was surreally amazing and I’m really glad I did it.
One thing I don’t like “inconveniencing” people with is this blog. I’m thinking of changing that and actually being a little more public about it. That will probably take just a little bit more prayer and strength because knowing that people are reading my writing makes me write slightly differently.

Songs I love:
Demon Hunter – Collapsing
Disciple – Shot Heard Round The World
Linkin Park – Hit The Floor

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