I don’t know why but recently I’ve felt super super inspired to do things. Such as practice the piano, learn how to sing better, practice playing chord piano, make up dialogues in my head, learn how to dance REALLY well, read books etc… I’m not sure that I’ll have time for all of this but I’m going to try. Especially since summer is coming up and there will be some loads of free time. Also because I’ve decided Saturdays are my empty days. I won’t do anything on those days except possibly go to a concert in the evening. That is what happened last Saturday. Also it is a day which is reserved for wearing something different than I normally would. Today I am wearing a dress which usually sits in my closet all day. Kate and I attended the beautiful Jackie Steven’s junior recital. Jackie sang wonderfully and I got to meet her mother which was cool. I love meeting people’s family. It shows another side of them which I love seeing. I don’t like seeing one side of people. I like seeing many different sides. Them with you, them with their friends, them with their family, them stressed, them happy, them tired etc… Then I feel you get to know the whole complete person, or at least more of it.
In class we listened to Therody for the victims of Hiroshima. It is a classical piece attempting to depict what it would sound like if an atomic bomb dropped. It is very very ear shattering. Go listen to it, but be warned that it will be very grating and not very pleasant. I had heard it before this class only because of Philip. He is such a classical music nerd. It’s always listen to this, listen to that and before you know it I feel more cultured because of it. I tend to get lazy and seek out pop or rock music and not classical music. I do like the aspect of the words in it but in this semester of Music History we are studying modern music and my interest has been peaked. Partly because half of the stuff my professor talks about, I had already discussed with Philip at some point during the two years I have known him.
I’m supposed to talk about guilt in my next post. Ergh, here we go. I’ve developed a guilt complex over the years. I’m not sure exactly where I got it. I might have mentioned something like this in earlier posts in the form of perfectionism. I feel guilty for a lot of things. Canceling plans with people, saying no to people if I don’t have a good excuse, having bad days, bringing up the person I am dating if the person I am talking to is single (most extreme example)… but I think you get the point. This semester has been a lesson of not feeling that I owe people things or that I need to feel guilty and constantly be doing things for people. It’s okay if I say no. It’s okay if I don’t want to hang out with certain people. I choose how my time is managed and not other people. I choose what I do and not other people. If somebody is trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to hang out with them, then that is their problem not mine. If I am not in the mood to be around somebody then it’s okay to say that and it’s okay to not have good days. That has no reflection on me or my character. As Lady Gaga said “I’m a free bitch baby”. In fact being honest about all these things makes things better. Hence the reason I can have a free day on Saturday. Hence the reason that I can have a bad day and not talk to people. Hence the reason I can now do what I want to do, instead of what other people want me to do. I first realized it was a problem when Eren asked “What do you do for fun?” and I realized I had no answer to that because I did what everyone else did. Philip helped me pinpoint that I had a guilt problem over this semester as we ran into different issues like that. Hint hint: This all ties back to my idea of trying to be authentic. Basically if we aren’t being real with people and pretending that we enjoy spending time with them, or that we enjoy different activities where does that leave us? On the other side don’t take this to mean that you should be completely selfish and do whatever it is that your heart desires. I’m using this as an example when trying to be selfless goes wrong. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Especially as a Christian where there sometimes seems to be a standard of what you should be?
Songs I love:
Calvin Harris – Feel So Close
Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance