Getting a handle on life…

26 08 2012

Sometimes being away at school, or working at summer camp, or even just life in general and I find daily function difficult.  I don’t consider myself clinically depressed or having an anxiety disorder or any of those other chemical imbalances, but I wasn’t sure what was up.  Then I read this post.

Her little biography to me felt like I had found the answer.  It’s not like it has a name and I don’t plan to be medicated for whatever, but the whole part about emotions and feeling things intensely fits me to a t.

People who know me may not believe this but as a child I was very very moody and very grouchy.  My family’s favorite story about me is how I when I was 2 years old, I would lay naked on the floor in a fetal position and if anybody talked to me I would just fuss at them very grouchily.  I also have a famous grouchy face as a kid.  This is what I was told my whole life growing up.  They even have video proof so I know they aren’t making it up.  I’ve also been told as a baby I would scream for two hours every night. As I got older I kept hearing all these things.  I decided that’s not what I wanted to be.

When I was nine years old I decided that I was a waste of space and wrote a whole journal entry about how I was, and how I’d be better off not living in this world.  I ended up showing it to my mom later and she assured me that that was not true.  That was the beginning of this roller coaster journey with my emotions.

My solution for that was that those kinds of emotions were bad so I tried my best to be a pleasant person. That in itself isn’t a bad thing but my last year of high school, and my first year of college I tried to ignore any bad feeling (sadness, anger, being tired, confusion) and always have a happy face.  As those couple of years went on things got worse and I wasn’t sure how to talk to them.  Thankfully I did trust a couple of people to talk to and I even went to counseling.  They gave me permission to have negative feelings, to be honest about my needs and wants and to be honest with who I really am without judging me.  I really needed that at the time.

So now that I have permission to have negative feelings, what do I do with them? Last year was a time of letting myself just feel things and it being okay for me just to feel it. Taking a step back and not doing things sometimes, just because I didn’t want to.  Not like I had a really good reason, but just because I didn’t want to.

This year I’m starting the dealing with emotions process.  I want to take up running, and exercise.  Practicing the piano, writing as therapy, and talking to people about things.  I looked at the group counseling options at the Wellness center (since those sessions are unlimited) and I saw an anxiety group.  I don’t know if I have time to do it, but if I do I want to go.  I’m not the best at speaking up in groups but at the very least I will learn something from everybody else talking about how they handle anxiety.

A lot of people are surprised when I mention being grouchy as a kid or experiencing anxiety because I give off a all put together aura or just in general a pleasant demeanor.  Honestly I’m not a very happy person naturally.  I work to become the look on the bright side person I am. It’s been a process and everyday is a step closer.

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