New beginnings…

9 05 2013

There are four days left in the semester which seems super super crazy to me. This is my next to last semester as an undergraduate. I honestly remember being a young freshman excited to start college and it seemed like it would be forever before I graduated. Then being frustrated as a sophomore because it seemed like it’d take forever and I was swamped, same with my one semester of being a junior, and then bam now I’m a senior. Wow!

Obviously I’m starting a new chapter in my life as far as graduating from college and being completely financially independent from my parents and all. I’ve already been financially independent for a year and it seems crazy that that has happened. Ah! I filed taxes this year for the first time, applied for an apartment instead of living in the dorms, got my own cell phone plan, and all sorts of other exciting things. I have six hours left to take next semester which is crazy for me to think about, because it is definitely ten hours less than my normal sixteen hours. I will be the first child in my immediate family to get their bachelor’s degree! Milestone!

Easter came and went about a month ago and I actually ended up going to four different church services throughout the weekend.  It was funny because before Sunday the two services I went to were rather solemn because they were taking the viewpoint of Christ’s suffering and having an attitude of penance in the midst of our humanness. But come Sunday the other two church services were joyful with the idea of Jesus’ resurrection because that honestly is the pinnacle of Christianity, or at least the faction I believe in. Without that, there really isn’t any point for Jesus, religion etc… Therefore Easter is an important day and a very joyous occasion, pointing to new beginnings for everything.

Just before Spring Break I chopped all my hair off, in preparation for the summer, for a new look I haven’t had since I was fifteen, and I felt it kind of marked the new chapter of my life I am about to begin.  So it was symbolic and practical at the same time.

An idea I have and I don’t know if it will work but we will see… is to move to Houston after I graduate! I’m not going to name off all of my reasons for wanting to go there but at least the idea gives me something great to look forward to rather than just thinking ‘staying in Lubbock and working’.  I love new places, new adventures, and it would be fun to make that the city where I can mark as my after graduation spot.  As Lubbock was my after graduating high school spot. But looking at the practical aspect… I would need a job and a car, but I believe if it’s a good plan all of that will work itself out by the time I would be going to Houston. 

So cheers to new life, new beginnings and new chapters in life!

Song I’m loving

Rihanna – Stay

Meryl Streep – The Winner Takes It All

The Script – Hall of Fame



25 04 2013

Today has been interesting but I figured might as well make a blogpost about it since I have time.  I am currently working on a big blogpost about new beginnings, graduation, my new haircut, Easter and how it all goes together.

Today we had a conducting assessment where we had to conduct the entire piece through (Waldesnacht by Brahms if you want to look it up), which we normally do for assessments but then we were supposed to have a mini rehearsal and teach a small portion of the piece. Conducting for me is rather difficult, as is public speaking.  But I can get myself through both of these things, just not at the same time. I took this conducting class because conducting is something very intimidating to me and I knew I’d learn a lot and grow as a person and a musician. So today after I conducted the whole piece I was supposed to start talking, but I was so nervous and I couldn’t find my voice and ended up crying instead.  Thankfully my conducting teacher is very nice and very encouraging so she let me leave and compose myself and when I came back I did the teaching portion of it and it went over very well.  It’s funny because the portion I ended up teaching was one that I changed last minute while I was composing myself in the bathroom.  Either way it ended up fine.

Then in my next class, we had presentations [don’t worry mine is next class period] and one group chose to interview religious leaders and talk about that. I wasn’t so hip with their presentation because religion is something way more complex than just a 30 minute presentation covering six different religions.  I’m not good at speaking up in class but I’m not sure what I would have said about it.  For the Christianity section they interviewed one of the pastors from the Experience Life now church since it is non-denominational.  For starters, Experience Life now is not a good church to pick to interview because it’s the hip college church.  Also non-denominational churches really are a denomination even though they claim they aren’t.  The girl giving the presentation ragged on Christianity also because “it’s not open to other religions”… People. Facepalm. Just no. It’s the whole openmindedness bullshit.  You can’t be openminded… the fact that you are against closemindedness already makes you not openminded.

On a side note.. I took a few political and religious quizzes and determined that I most closely fall toward Libertarian and Southern Baptist so that’s what I put in my About Me on Facebook.

This has been a fuss [for the record a fuss is a shorter rant].

Songs I’m loving

David Guetta – She Wolf

Maroon 5 – Daylight

Mackelmore – Thrift Store

30 week challenge… Day 11

13 01 2013

This weeks challenge is to talk about what you are majoring in/studying at school.

My official major is a Bachelor of Arts in Music with a minor in Psychology. I love the way that people and music interact. The way that music can make some people light up just hearing it and others it brings strong bad memories. Most of my friends at school aren’t really well versed in classical music. I want them to enjoy the operas, choir concerts and other instrumental concerts that our school puts on. Last semester I invited friends that had never seen these types of media out and it was so cool to hear their perceptions on the performances and what they enjoyed and didn’t enjoy.

That translates into what I want to do later. Show people the arts since I feel a lot more people would enjoy them if they were exposed or understood the performances better. It is amazing how many times one of my friends said “that was fun!” or “I enjoyed that!” when I would have never expected them to enjoy that particular performance.


2 09 2012

…was a thinking day.  As an introverted person I need days where I can think about things and figure out things otherwise it seems like a big confusing blob of mess up there in my brain. Today I did that.  I finished the book I was wanting to read and I thought a lot.  I didn’t write in my journal as much as I wanted to but I got the thinking done which counts.

This weekend is Labor Day weekend so tomorrow we are off of school.  That means an extra day to catch up with things and make sure everything is in order, including sleep schedule.

I didn’t go to the football game yesterday.  Big shock since that seems to be the only sport my school can think about.  I did however go to a soccer game on Friday.  Our women’s soccer team is pretty good.  We won 1-0, scoring that one goal in the last ten minutes.  Winning? I think so.  I meant to go to a volleyball game but it slipped my mind.

In other news I have now watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, something a lot of people have been telling me to watch.  It was all it was cracked up to be and I’m sorry I haven’t seen it sooner.  I’m typically not a fan of British humour because I find their accents hard to understand, but now seeing Life of Brian and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I can now say that I love that particular series of movies, and a small portion of British humour.

Hopefully next time… and this paragraph is a reminder for me to do so… I’ll blog about people and how they classify people as their friends and how it baffles my mind.

Songs I love:

Nelly Furtado – Manos Al Aire

Skrillex – Bangarang

Fun – Some Nights

Getting a handle on life…

26 08 2012

Sometimes being away at school, or working at summer camp, or even just life in general and I find daily function difficult.  I don’t consider myself clinically depressed or having an anxiety disorder or any of those other chemical imbalances, but I wasn’t sure what was up.  Then I read this post.

Her little biography to me felt like I had found the answer.  It’s not like it has a name and I don’t plan to be medicated for whatever, but the whole part about emotions and feeling things intensely fits me to a t.

People who know me may not believe this but as a child I was very very moody and very grouchy.  My family’s favorite story about me is how I when I was 2 years old, I would lay naked on the floor in a fetal position and if anybody talked to me I would just fuss at them very grouchily.  I also have a famous grouchy face as a kid.  This is what I was told my whole life growing up.  They even have video proof so I know they aren’t making it up.  I’ve also been told as a baby I would scream for two hours every night. As I got older I kept hearing all these things.  I decided that’s not what I wanted to be.

When I was nine years old I decided that I was a waste of space and wrote a whole journal entry about how I was, and how I’d be better off not living in this world.  I ended up showing it to my mom later and she assured me that that was not true.  That was the beginning of this roller coaster journey with my emotions.

My solution for that was that those kinds of emotions were bad so I tried my best to be a pleasant person. That in itself isn’t a bad thing but my last year of high school, and my first year of college I tried to ignore any bad feeling (sadness, anger, being tired, confusion) and always have a happy face.  As those couple of years went on things got worse and I wasn’t sure how to talk to them.  Thankfully I did trust a couple of people to talk to and I even went to counseling.  They gave me permission to have negative feelings, to be honest about my needs and wants and to be honest with who I really am without judging me.  I really needed that at the time.

So now that I have permission to have negative feelings, what do I do with them? Last year was a time of letting myself just feel things and it being okay for me just to feel it. Taking a step back and not doing things sometimes, just because I didn’t want to.  Not like I had a really good reason, but just because I didn’t want to.

This year I’m starting the dealing with emotions process.  I want to take up running, and exercise.  Practicing the piano, writing as therapy, and talking to people about things.  I looked at the group counseling options at the Wellness center (since those sessions are unlimited) and I saw an anxiety group.  I don’t know if I have time to do it, but if I do I want to go.  I’m not the best at speaking up in groups but at the very least I will learn something from everybody else talking about how they handle anxiety.

A lot of people are surprised when I mention being grouchy as a kid or experiencing anxiety because I give off a all put together aura or just in general a pleasant demeanor.  Honestly I’m not a very happy person naturally.  I work to become the look on the bright side person I am. It’s been a process and everyday is a step closer.

The home stretch…

6 08 2012

Summer is almost over.  Two weeks before I head back to school and three weeks until school actually starts up. *gasp* Yes, but I know I have enough energy to tackle this school year. I feel I had a good chance to evaluate myself and where to move forward in life.

1. I want to balance eating cheaply and eating well.  I don’t plan ahead very well. I’ll end up eating three times in six hours one day, or on another day I’ll eat breakfast but not eat for ten hours. I don’t listen to my body as far as when to eat, how much to eat or what to eat.  I know there is a better way to do this.  I’m going to think less about money when it comes to eating, and more on what my body is telling me.  Not necessarily submitting to sugar cravings…

2. Related to number 1, I haven’t been exercising well either because half the time I don’t have the energy to get myself over to the gym and do something other than go to sleep. But I’m planning to get a locker at the gym… that’s how I got myself to practice more.  That way I don’t have the excuse of “I have to haul all my stuff to the gym”. It is just there which is awesome. Plus Amber and I have officially decided we are workout buddies which will definitely be motivating.

3. I like learning, but too often I get in a bad mood and spend more time in the bad mood then trying to learn something, or study for my classes.  This year I’m going to concentrate on taking some time to learn something everyday even if it is not stuff for my classes.  It could be a self assigned project or something, but it has to be learning something. 

4. I think spiritually I just needed sometime to step back and look at myself.  See myself lash out with my ugly sinful side, see the parts of me that I don’t like, see that I’m not a great person honestly, and accept that.  Accept the fact that no matter what I do, I will never be a “good” person, or be satisfied with myself. But have the right attitude about it. Not letting that be a depressing thing but also not letting it be something where I just give up on everything and let whatever happens. I want to be a change, but I can’t do it myself as a measly human.  I want to speak up on behalf of the people who don’t have voices, who need help etc… but without taxing myself to the max.  That balance is where the challenge lies.  I will be trying it out this school year and I’m excited to see where it happens.  

To add a side note to the change thing.  I want to support people in their own betterment. I don’t mean force people to change, but help people take the things they want most, and help them stay motivated and on track. Something I’m good at… I’ll see exactly how this idea takes shape. 
Life is a journey, not a destination. I find some of the best ways to make progress is to listen and seek understanding so that you can work with people and see where they are coming from. People come and go, but a few stay forever.

Songs I love:
Hans Zimmer – Discombobulate
Outkast – Hey ya
LMFAO – Take it to the Hole

I get a good feeling

5 05 2012

I’m listening to the Flo Rida song “Good Feeling” which is awesome. Mainly because he included old tapes of Etta James singing in this song. I mean who does stuff like that?? It had Allie and I fooled. She had told me it was Adele. I’m inspired to listen to weird classical music. All of that serialism, minimalism and all of that weird stuff that composers wrote in this century. We went to the scholarship concert the school of music held. It was odd because name was in the program for scholarships. However, all four choirs performed Mozart’s Requiem Mass which was AWESOME! Especially the Kyrie. Most of Mozart’s music is super giddy and happy, or as Philip said “elevator music”, but this Requiem Mass has some deep and very emotional parts to it. I think I had a musicgasm while listening to it.

This week seems like it has all been about music. Which is probably a good thing since it is my major. The more things I go to outside of Intervarsity/music events, the more people I realize that I know. It is slightly scary. People keep throwing the world “popular” at me, but it I think it is just a bunch of BS. Being popular is different. I just am nice to people and try to be a really good friend and I have a warm personality. Hence my INFPness… For those of you that don’t know what that is, go and take the Myers-Briggs test. One common thing that I don’t think people understand in our extroverted world is that I’m an introvert. I just generally don’t appear like one because….check this… my personality type is able to act like the opposite, but it is very energy draining.

I’ve noticed a hierarchy of status with people in my life. There are the people that I know who they are and the people that know who I am. Then there are the people I know a lot about because I’ve listened to them talk and I’ve facebook creeped. Then there are the people that when they are finished talking, they listen long enough to hear what I have to say. That is the three levels, it is not complicated but that’s the way it is. Everybody has their spot and I love people a whole lot. I think there is good in everybody, even the people we think are complete idiots, or douchebags or others such things. You just have to look for it.

Songs I love:
Flo Rida – Good Feeling
Skylar Grey – Invisible
Pink – It’s All Your Fault

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