New beginnings…

9 05 2013

There are four days left in the semester which seems super super crazy to me. This is my next to last semester as an undergraduate. I honestly remember being a young freshman excited to start college and it seemed like it would be forever before I graduated. Then being frustrated as a sophomore because it seemed like it’d take forever and I was swamped, same with my one semester of being a junior, and then bam now I’m a senior. Wow!

Obviously I’m starting a new chapter in my life as far as graduating from college and being completely financially independent from my parents and all. I’ve already been financially independent for a year and it seems crazy that that has happened. Ah! I filed taxes this year for the first time, applied for an apartment instead of living in the dorms, got my own cell phone plan, and all sorts of other exciting things. I have six hours left to take next semester which is crazy for me to think about, because it is definitely ten hours less than my normal sixteen hours. I will be the first child in my immediate family to get their bachelor’s degree! Milestone!

Easter came and went about a month ago and I actually ended up going to four different church services throughout the weekend.  It was funny because before Sunday the two services I went to were rather solemn because they were taking the viewpoint of Christ’s suffering and having an attitude of penance in the midst of our humanness. But come Sunday the other two church services were joyful with the idea of Jesus’ resurrection because that honestly is the pinnacle of Christianity, or at least the faction I believe in. Without that, there really isn’t any point for Jesus, religion etc… Therefore Easter is an important day and a very joyous occasion, pointing to new beginnings for everything.

Just before Spring Break I chopped all my hair off, in preparation for the summer, for a new look I haven’t had since I was fifteen, and I felt it kind of marked the new chapter of my life I am about to begin.  So it was symbolic and practical at the same time.

An idea I have and I don’t know if it will work but we will see… is to move to Houston after I graduate! I’m not going to name off all of my reasons for wanting to go there but at least the idea gives me something great to look forward to rather than just thinking ‘staying in Lubbock and working’.  I love new places, new adventures, and it would be fun to make that the city where I can mark as my after graduation spot.  As Lubbock was my after graduating high school spot. But looking at the practical aspect… I would need a job and a car, but I believe if it’s a good plan all of that will work itself out by the time I would be going to Houston. 

So cheers to new life, new beginnings and new chapters in life!

Song I’m loving

Rihanna – Stay

Meryl Streep – The Winner Takes It All

The Script – Hall of Fame

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30 Week Challenge… Day 9

30 12 2012

This week’s blogpost topic is to Share your opinion on religion.

I’ve seen a lot of ugliness come out involving religion during this election season.  People spend too much time arguing over who is right and what exactly everybody should believe with the goal of being right and convincing everybody of that.  People reach conclusions differently and I have seen nobody truly convinced someone else is right after a religious argument.

The other trend that bothers me is when people get too wrapped up in themselves and trying to be holier or a better Christian or whatever religion and you lose sight of what is important.

Amongst all of this, there is a place for religion but I think people are the ones who mess it up and make it something that isn’t good.

I know personally I’m at a place where I’m not sure exactly where and how to say I am ___ when it comes to all the different Christian denominations.  I am a Christian, that I know but when it comes to Baptist, Lutheran, Methodist and all the different things out there.  I really have no idea at this point.  I see friends on Facebook putting Feminist as their religious status, others Christ Follower and I don’t think either of those are right. Right now mine is blank because I don’t think one word can encompass it all for whoever feels like browsing your “About Me”. If I put just Christian that could be super liberal “progressive” Christian, or it could mean super conservative legalistic Christian. I’ll figure out something in the future, or maybe I’ll just leave it blank.





The home stretch…

6 08 2012

Summer is almost over.  Two weeks before I head back to school and three weeks until school actually starts up. *gasp* Yes, but I know I have enough energy to tackle this school year. I feel I had a good chance to evaluate myself and where to move forward in life.

1. I want to balance eating cheaply and eating well.  I don’t plan ahead very well. I’ll end up eating three times in six hours one day, or on another day I’ll eat breakfast but not eat for ten hours. I don’t listen to my body as far as when to eat, how much to eat or what to eat.  I know there is a better way to do this.  I’m going to think less about money when it comes to eating, and more on what my body is telling me.  Not necessarily submitting to sugar cravings…

2. Related to number 1, I haven’t been exercising well either because half the time I don’t have the energy to get myself over to the gym and do something other than go to sleep. But I’m planning to get a locker at the gym… that’s how I got myself to practice more.  That way I don’t have the excuse of “I have to haul all my stuff to the gym”. It is just there which is awesome. Plus Amber and I have officially decided we are workout buddies which will definitely be motivating.

3. I like learning, but too often I get in a bad mood and spend more time in the bad mood then trying to learn something, or study for my classes.  This year I’m going to concentrate on taking some time to learn something everyday even if it is not stuff for my classes.  It could be a self assigned project or something, but it has to be learning something. 

4. I think spiritually I just needed sometime to step back and look at myself.  See myself lash out with my ugly sinful side, see the parts of me that I don’t like, see that I’m not a great person honestly, and accept that.  Accept the fact that no matter what I do, I will never be a “good” person, or be satisfied with myself. But have the right attitude about it. Not letting that be a depressing thing but also not letting it be something where I just give up on everything and let whatever happens. I want to be a change, but I can’t do it myself as a measly human.  I want to speak up on behalf of the people who don’t have voices, who need help etc… but without taxing myself to the max.  That balance is where the challenge lies.  I will be trying it out this school year and I’m excited to see where it happens.  

To add a side note to the change thing.  I want to support people in their own betterment. I don’t mean force people to change, but help people take the things they want most, and help them stay motivated and on track. Something I’m good at… I’ll see exactly how this idea takes shape. 
Life is a journey, not a destination. I find some of the best ways to make progress is to listen and seek understanding so that you can work with people and see where they are coming from. People come and go, but a few stay forever.

Songs I love:
Hans Zimmer – Discombobulate
Outkast – Hey ya
LMFAO – Take it to the Hole





Music stuffs…

28 04 2012

I don’t know why but recently I’ve felt super super inspired to do things.  Such as practice the piano, learn how to sing better, practice playing chord piano, make up dialogues in my head, learn how to dance REALLY well, read books etc… I’m not sure that I’ll have time for all of this but I’m going to try.  Especially since summer is coming up and there will be some loads of free time.  Also because I’ve decided Saturdays are my empty days.  I won’t do anything on those days except possibly go to a concert in the evening.  That is what happened last Saturday.  Also it is a day which is reserved for wearing something different than I normally would.  Today I am wearing a dress which usually sits in my closet all day.  Kate and I attended the beautiful Jackie Steven’s junior recital.  Jackie sang wonderfully and I got to meet her mother which was cool.  I love meeting people’s family.  It shows another side of them which I love seeing.  I don’t like seeing one side of people.  I like seeing many different sides.  Them with you, them with their friends, them with their family, them stressed, them happy, them tired etc… Then I feel you get to know the whole complete person, or at least more of it.

In class we listened to Therody for the victims of Hiroshima.  It is a classical piece attempting to depict what it would sound like if an atomic bomb dropped.  It is very very ear shattering.  Go listen to it, but be warned that it will be very grating and not very pleasant.  I had  heard it before this class only because of Philip.  He is such a classical music nerd.  It’s always listen to this, listen to that and before you know it I feel more cultured because of it.  I tend to get lazy and seek out pop or rock music and not classical music.  I do like the aspect of the words in it but in this semester of Music History we are studying modern music and my interest has been peaked.  Partly because half of the stuff my professor talks about, I had already discussed with Philip at some point during the two years I have known him.

I’m supposed to talk about guilt in my next post.  Ergh, here we go.  I’ve developed a guilt complex over the years.  I’m not sure exactly where I got it.  I might have mentioned something like this in earlier posts in the form of perfectionism.  I feel guilty for a lot of things.  Canceling plans with people, saying no to people if I don’t have a good excuse, having bad days, bringing up the person I am dating if the person I am talking to is single (most extreme example)… but I think you get the point.  This semester has been a lesson of not feeling that I owe people things or that I need to feel guilty and constantly be doing things for people.  It’s okay if I say no.  It’s okay if I don’t want to hang out with certain people.  I choose how my time is managed and not other people.  I choose what I do and not other people.  If somebody is trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to hang out with them, then that is their problem not mine.  If I am not in the mood to be around somebody then it’s okay to say that and it’s okay to not have good days.  That has no reflection on me or my character.  As Lady Gaga said “I’m a free bitch baby”. In fact being honest about all these things makes things better.  Hence the reason I can have a free day on Saturday.  Hence the reason that I can have a bad day and not talk to people.  Hence the reason I can now do what I want to do, instead of what other people want me to do.  I first realized it was a problem when Eren asked “What do you do for fun?” and I realized I had no answer to that because I did what everyone else did.  Philip helped me pinpoint that I had a guilt problem over this semester as we ran into different issues like that.  Hint hint: This all ties back to my idea of trying to be authentic. Basically if we aren’t being real with people and pretending that we enjoy spending time with them, or that we enjoy different activities where does that leave us? On the other side don’t take this to mean that you should be completely selfish and do whatever it is that your heart desires. I’m using this as an example when trying to be selfless goes wrong. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Especially as a Christian where there sometimes seems to be a standard of what you should be?

Songs I love:
Calvin Harris – Feel So Close
Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance





Boy meets girl…

6 02 2012

Relationships.

They frustrate me when it comes to explaining them to other people. People always assume things no matter what you tell them.

Person 1: “Hey do you like him?”
Person 2: “No, we are just friends.”
Person 1: *thinks in head* Oh they will really get married someday.

Person 1: “Hey what’s up with you and her?”
Person 2: “Oh it’s complicated”
Person 1: *makes all sorts of ungodly judgements in head*

I personally can usually handle relationships until people start wanting details and start making judgements and giving advice. That makes me want to tear my hair out. I understand people perceive things differently, but I can’t change their judgement and perception about my relationship so I just generally hate talking to people about them. That doesn’t mean I won’t ask advice about them, but if I need advice I’ll ask the people closest to me who know me and how I relate to the other person.
To me it’s an extension of a good friendship except everybody expects you to make it something super public. I don’t go around telling EVERYBODY about my super close friendships, and I view relationships rather the same way. Most people view it as something super public. Example: The super public facebook relationship status announcement, “are they facebook official”.

The real reason I wrote this post was to make my first official complaint about the way Christians used “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” philosophy in very very bad ways. The concept is great, that you don’t throw yourself into relationships, you take it slow, and you save some things for later. The problem is that nowadays Christians are taking it to be “here is a checklist of things that makes a godly relationship”. That in itself is good, if it is used as a sacrament, helpful guidelines to go by. The issue comes in when people don’t live up to those standards, or they don’t have the textbook relationship. Then they feel guilty about it. I am queen of feeling guilty about things and I personally know this. Then the problem is since, whatever the relationship actually is, is viewed as bad so the people in the relationship hide it. They agree to hold themselves to certain standards so things look good but their heart is not behind it so they actually don’t do it. I think it’s just bullshit honestly. I believe that if both individuals are mature they can figure it out between themselves and they should seek counsel from mature people that they trust. But by all means not just make a bunch of stupid guidelines that mean nothing.

Now that I’m done ranting, I just want to say that I love relationships. I just don’t view them as a way to get to know people. You get to know the person as a friend, and then you move on to being in a relationship. When exactly is that point is a tricky thing and that’s just the fun of it. Not knowing and wondering for days, and it’s awkward and nerve wracking because nothing is sure.





Guilt and other delicious things…

21 01 2012

Guilt

What do you think of when you first hear that word?? For me we have been pretty close friends and not in a good way. I in general feel guilty about things. I don’t like inconveniencing people, I don’t want to be the one who is late and people are waiting on, I don’t like people paying for me or giving me money. This winter break I gave up a lot of that guilt. It took a lot of praying, iron pumping and alcohol but I did it. I’m not completely over it because old habits die hard but I don’t die inside every time somebody does something for me that I deem “out of their way”.

I believe that to be the best person I can be I need to be authentic because that is more loving than just bottling up feelings and pretending that is okay. Old me would not want to talk to people about things because “it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things” or “I don’t want to bother them”. Honestly if you look at the people who truly care about you most and are there for you when you need them, and you don’t share your struggles with them you are denying them a chance to bless you.
I am very guilty of doing that to people. Avoiding them and trying to deal with it myself. That’s not a healthy attitude to take at all. Last semester it reached a point where I could NOT handle it myself and thankfully I had the wisdom to reach out to some people and talk about it.
Mackenzie
Bobby
Philip
Kate
Eren
Lauren
Sara
…were people who amazingly never seemed to get tired of hearing me talk about my struggles and things going on even though I know for a while it was all the same thing. Also with the mistakes I made, they didn’t sit there and judge me for it. They really showed me that even though I do stupid things, they still love me just because I am me and not because I do great things for them.
That is exactly how God loves us. He doesn’t love us because we have done great things or we are a “good Christian”, he just delights in the fact that we are his creation. That doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want because of that, but even when we mess up it is not the end of the world and he won’t stop loving us because of it.

Yesterday I gave a five minute testimony in front of large group about the past semester and what I’ve been learning as far as my views on God and religion. A lot of people I knew were there and that made me really nervous. I’m not the best public speaker anyway, but it went very well and I anticipated people getting upset and worrying about why I didn’t directly talk to them about these questions about God but they didn’t. It was surreally amazing and I’m really glad I did it.
One thing I don’t like “inconveniencing” people with is this blog. I’m thinking of changing that and actually being a little more public about it. That will probably take just a little bit more prayer and strength because knowing that people are reading my writing makes me write slightly differently.

Songs I love:
Demon Hunter – Collapsing
Disciple – Shot Heard Round The World
Linkin Park – Hit The Floor





What if we were real

15 12 2011

School is over yay! I’m excited. Part of me is glad that it’s here but part of me didn’t want to leave Lubbock and lose the structure I have. I’ve been trying to think of things to do over winter break.
-Sew
-learn how to do chocolate
-practice Spanish
-practice piano hardcore
-practice spending time with God
That’s all I’ve got for now. I just don’t want to be a complete lazy bum over the break and if I don’t plan what to do I’ll end up doing nothing.

I’ve decided people sleeping is the cutest thing ever… Or people being vulnerable and open in general. When you hear them talk about their fears and worries, you see a whole new side of them. They are trusting you with a deep part of themselves hoping that you won’t laugh and smash it into a million pieces. I love listening to people when they get to that point. That’s where I’d they have a selfless side you see it… If they have a huge passion for something that’s where you see it… I wish this world wasn’t so cruel, that way people could open up more. I even am guilty of closing myself off to most people. If you knew a lot of my habits you would assume I was a creeper {I have been accused of that several times}, but honestly I just like seeing people at a deeper level than the mask they put on for other people.

I wrote earlier about my place with God. How I’m dissatisfied with modern Christians and I’m trying to find the authenticity.
This semester I’ve been trying to be authentic with myself. Now I’m breaking out and being authentic with other people. I can’t know the feelings and just hide them. There are a lot of people who frustrate me and I feel they just use me because they are bored and want to hang out. They are killing extra time they have and wasting my time. It’s one thing if I really have free time and want to chill with people but I often think that other people have the consideration for time that I do. As Bobby said most of us make the mistake of assuming that other people are like us and think like us. I am a very sweet person and I like doing things for people such as giving them my time, listening, etc… but lately I just feel used by several people. The solution I can think of is to be more of a bitch and not so polite. We will see how this goes.

I went to the big whoopdeedo Carol of the Lights. Not sure why everybody freaks out over it except for the tradition part. I’m not sorry I didn’t go last year. I doubt I’ll go again in succeeding years. I met up with Janay and then we met up with Kate, Rachel, Monica, Blake and Jessica from the Lutheran Student Center. The fun part about it is that we went back to the Lutheran Student Center and hung out for a while. That was really enjoyable. We watched Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation. That is my kind of funny movie. The humor doesn’t HAVE to revolve around dirty stuff but it’s not stupid humor either.

We watched the movie The Help. That movie was incredible. It’s depiction of treatment of black people in the 60’s was horrifyingly chilling. One household installed a second bathroom so the “colored help” could use it and they wouldn’t catch the special diseases they carry. They however didn’t seem to care that the same people slaved away taking care of their children and touching them. This ‘disease’ thing only popped up when it was convenient for them.

Because of frigid temperatures and ice on the roads class was postponed until 9:30. My final was supposed to be at 8:30. They rescheduled and they had the final on dead day. I didn’t realize you could do that. Either way that meant I got a lazy day with my first class at two. I now see why people who don’t have early classes never get up early.

Songs I am loving
Tobymac – Captured
Disciple – The Wait is Over
Maroon 5 – Never Going To Leave This Bed








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