New beginnings…

There are four days left in the semester which seems super super crazy to me. This is my next to last semester as an undergraduate. I honestly remember being a young freshman excited to start college and it seemed like it would be forever before I graduated. Then being frustrated as a sophomore because it seemed like it’d take forever and I was swamped, same with my one semester of being a junior, and then bam now I’m a senior. Wow!

Obviously I’m starting a new chapter in my life as far as graduating from college and being completely financially independent from my parents and all. I’ve already been financially independent for a year and it seems crazy that that has happened. Ah! I filed taxes this year for the first time, applied for an apartment instead of living in the dorms, got my own cell phone plan, and all sorts of other exciting things. I have six hours left to take next semester which is crazy for me to think about, because it is definitely ten hours less than my normal sixteen hours. I will be the first child in my immediate family to get their bachelor’s degree! Milestone!

Easter came and went about a month ago and I actually ended up going to four different church services throughout the weekend.  It was funny because before Sunday the two services I went to were rather solemn because they were taking the viewpoint of Christ’s suffering and having an attitude of penance in the midst of our humanness. But come Sunday the other two church services were joyful with the idea of Jesus’ resurrection because that honestly is the pinnacle of Christianity, or at least the faction I believe in. Without that, there really isn’t any point for Jesus, religion etc… Therefore Easter is an important day and a very joyous occasion, pointing to new beginnings for everything.

Just before Spring Break I chopped all my hair off, in preparation for the summer, for a new look I haven’t had since I was fifteen, and I felt it kind of marked the new chapter of my life I am about to begin.  So it was symbolic and practical at the same time.

An idea I have and I don’t know if it will work but we will see… is to move to Houston after I graduate! I’m not going to name off all of my reasons for wanting to go there but at least the idea gives me something great to look forward to rather than just thinking ‘staying in Lubbock and working’.  I love new places, new adventures, and it would be fun to make that the city where I can mark as my after graduation spot.  As Lubbock was my after graduating high school spot. But looking at the practical aspect… I would need a job and a car, but I believe if it’s a good plan all of that will work itself out by the time I would be going to Houston. 

So cheers to new life, new beginnings and new chapters in life!

Song I’m loving

Rihanna – Stay

Meryl Streep – The Winner Takes It All

The Script – Hall of Fame

Today…

Today has been interesting but I figured might as well make a blogpost about it since I have time.  I am currently working on a big blogpost about new beginnings, graduation, my new haircut, Easter and how it all goes together.

Today we had a conducting assessment where we had to conduct the entire piece through (Waldesnacht by Brahms if you want to look it up), which we normally do for assessments but then we were supposed to have a mini rehearsal and teach a small portion of the piece. Conducting for me is rather difficult, as is public speaking.  But I can get myself through both of these things, just not at the same time. I took this conducting class because conducting is something very intimidating to me and I knew I’d learn a lot and grow as a person and a musician. So today after I conducted the whole piece I was supposed to start talking, but I was so nervous and I couldn’t find my voice and ended up crying instead.  Thankfully my conducting teacher is very nice and very encouraging so she let me leave and compose myself and when I came back I did the teaching portion of it and it went over very well.  It’s funny because the portion I ended up teaching was one that I changed last minute while I was composing myself in the bathroom.  Either way it ended up fine.

Then in my next class, we had presentations [don’t worry mine is next class period] and one group chose to interview religious leaders and talk about that. I wasn’t so hip with their presentation because religion is something way more complex than just a 30 minute presentation covering six different religions.  I’m not good at speaking up in class but I’m not sure what I would have said about it.  For the Christianity section they interviewed one of the pastors from the Experience Life now church since it is non-denominational.  For starters, Experience Life now is not a good church to pick to interview because it’s the hip college church.  Also non-denominational churches really are a denomination even though they claim they aren’t.  The girl giving the presentation ragged on Christianity also because “it’s not open to other religions”… People. Facepalm. Just no. It’s the whole openmindedness bullshit.  You can’t be openminded… the fact that you are against closemindedness already makes you not openminded.

On a side note.. I took a few political and religious quizzes and determined that I most closely fall toward Libertarian and Southern Baptist so that’s what I put in my About Me on Facebook.

This has been a fuss [for the record a fuss is a shorter rant].

Songs I’m loving

David Guetta – She Wolf

Maroon 5 – Daylight

Mackelmore – Thrift Store

Les Miserables…

I haven’t written in a month… basically it went like this “ooh I should write about this” and then I never actually wrote about it.  I blame my roommate for being so awesome and making me want to hang out with her instead of running off to the library all the time. But I did want to talk about the Les Mis movie…

I saw it in theaters over winter break after touring the Holocaust museum… but it was such a wonderful movie.  It doesn’t depict everybody having a happily ever after and getting rich at the end, and the “heroic actions” by the characters aren’t huge superhuman things. It’s simple things anyone can do.  I watched the first half of it a week ago, especially since I was in a not so great mood.  It’s amazing that such a “depressing” movie actually makes me feel better. The fact that it is completely music may or may not be a factor in that… Also the song “One Day More” struck me because it’s pretty much every character believing that they are doing the thing that’s right and pleasing to God.  For me it is one of those seeing the whole picture kind of things which I really like.  There was the big political broo ha ha over the Supreme Court’s review of Proposition 8 and DOMA, also Brother Jed the radical preacher was on campus so students were in a fuss over that also. I’m not really into the whole political/spiritual politics debate drama so I felt all out of sorts but seeing the movie helped me feel less emotional with the aspect of, everyone thinks they are right and will go to all sorts of lengths to prove that.

A few quotes that stood out to me…

“To love another person is to see the face of God.”

“Here’s the thing about equality. Everybody’s equal when they are dead.”

“Truth is given to us by God in our time, in our turn.”

“Tomorrow we’ll discover what our God in heaven has in store.”

These might be the cliche quotes but I really like them.  What did y’all think of the movie?

Songs I’m Loving

Anne Hathaway – I Dreamed a Dream

Samantha Banks – On My Own

Les Miserables cast – One Day More

Check this out! My friend is blogging about his adventures walking across Texas

The Long Walk South

 While reading the “Uphill Road to Grace: Some Pilgrimages” from our assigned text Wanderlust I began to wonder what a pilgrimage of my own would be like (45-63). Wanderlust: The History of Walking, by Rebecca Solnit is not a novel, it is a collection of essays all concerning the subject of walking, but this chapter, “Uphill Road to Grace: Some Pilgrimages” is specifically about spiritual walks to spiritual sights, and the physical hardship that is involved with a walk of a significant distance. I am not a spiritual man, however, the value of a trying and difficult task I find intensely interesting. I think of Gandhi and his march the sea, or Caesar Chavez and his hunger strike. The infliction of hardship on the body to expand the mind does not require a god to pay homage to, only a will to overcome, and transcend the physical form.  As…

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The past two weeks…

I did not jump back on the weekly challenge band wagon which I am okay with. The past two weeks have felt crazy, and I can hardly believe it is two weeks til spring break, the halfway point of the semester. This semester is flying by, but in a very good way.

I’ve been thinking tonight how precious the very idea of life is. I was reading about a girl I know whose older brother died several years ago. That is the second girl I have met that has had that happened where the older brother died leaving them the only child left. I wonder how that affects family dynamics. For that matter I know a lot of people who have two kids with a male and a female in that order. I wonder what our family would have been like if they had stopped at me, and it was just me and my older brother. Things would be very different especially when it comes to the role I play in the family. I feel like one of the oldest children that has many younger siblings that look up at the behavior I model and a lot of my life choices reflect that. How different would my life be if I was the youngest child with just an older brother to look up to? Would that make me more or less of a family person? Just things I’ve been wondering… I know I do not appreciate my older brother as much as I should. Our relationship has been kind of strained and we’ve inadvertently taken some time spent not talking to each other which in the long run I think it was a good thing. Over the break we had a long conversation which I feel is a step in the right direction toward reconciliation. I’m trying to think of it in Baby steps.

Songs I’m loving:
Brandi Carslile – The Story
Beach Boys – Wouldnt It Be Nice
Fredric Chopin – Nocturne No. 20 in c# minor

Thankful list…

When I went home for the break, I remember having a day where it felt like everything was wrong with the world. My friend Lauren told me to make a list of ten things I was thankful for even if they were super minor things.  This list is a couple of months old but I decided to share it here… maybe it will inspire you to make your own list.

1. Knowing how precious air conditioning is because the air conditioning didn’t work one summer.

2. The fact that I have a way to travel 5 hours home to be with my family… Cuz a couple times I’ve gotten really close to being stranded at school

3. I’m thankful for the fact that I have the opportunity to go to a huge university and get an education.

4. My whole family is healthy.

5. As a family we stick together and love each other.

6. We have unlimited Internet.

7. We have enough warm bodies and blankets to always stay warm.

8. Right now there are six of us on my moms bed which is a California king. We are allenjoying each others company.

9. I have the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my mom when I am at home. When I wrote the list she was in bed with a hurt back and we just hung out in bed all day with each other.

10. Having two working cars that can take us where we need.

Last weekend….

I hate putting titles on things. Hence the reason my blog post titles aren’t that exciting.

Anyway just wanted to put some thoughts into writing about last weekend.

So basically it was my birthday weekend, and Philip was supposed to come up here and be here for that. He had kidney stones that didn’t pass so he had his surgery about the time that his flight was supposed to be landing in Lubbock.  I was super bummed but then…

…one of my friends was in a car wreck that was supposed to be at our birthday gathering. Usually when I hear about car wrecks that involves someone my age it’s usually someone I don’t know, or I only heard about it from a friend who knows them personally. This one really affected me because it involved somebody that I knew, and the passenger who died was someone that my friend had told me about so in a way I felt like I knew her.

I went to see my friend in the hospital and a few things that stand out in my mind…

The first thing he said when he saw me was Happy Birthday, and told me that he was going to be there which to me most people who’ve been in a wreck where they were rushed to the hospital they would not have even thought about that, and honestly if you were in a wreck we all understand why you weren’t there.

I ended up listening to his dad talk about what had happened and it sticks out in his mind about how he kept repeating that it was very sad but there is a reason through all of this.

When I was talking to my friend he brought up the female passenger who he knew rather well and the way he talked her death, he focused more on how her family is and he wished she didn’t suffer rather than focus on how all of this will affect him.

Also the girl’s family had visited right before I got there and they told him that their number one priority was him healing. That was amazing to me how they approached the situation without condemnation, anger or bitterness.

Either way it was a weekend that really put into perspective what is important in life to me. I can sit there and feel like Philip not being there is a complete weekend downer or just be glad that he is alive, that he is doing fine and is safe. A girl who didn’t make to my birthday gathering apologized profusely and my thoughts honestly were, it doesn’t matter. You are safe and that is what matters.

At the end of the day I declare, God is good. Next week I plan to return to regular programming of weekly challenges.

Songs I’m loving

Bruno Mars – Locked Out Of Heaven

Family Force 5 – Cray Button

Linkin Park – Burn It Down

30 week challenge… Day 12

This week’s challenge is to name favourite fictional character couples…

Carl and Ellie from Up

The couple from Time Traveler’s Wife

The couple from 13 going on 30

As you can see I’m not good with names… and I don’t have a ton of fictional couples that I absolutely adore.

30 week challenge… Day 11

This weeks challenge is to talk about what you are majoring in/studying at school.

My official major is a Bachelor of Arts in Music with a minor in Psychology. I love the way that people and music interact. The way that music can make some people light up just hearing it and others it brings strong bad memories. Most of my friends at school aren’t really well versed in classical music. I want them to enjoy the operas, choir concerts and other instrumental concerts that our school puts on. Last semester I invited friends that had never seen these types of media out and it was so cool to hear their perceptions on the performances and what they enjoyed and didn’t enjoy.

That translates into what I want to do later. Show people the arts since I feel a lot more people would enjoy them if they were exposed or understood the performances better. It is amazing how many times one of my friends said “that was fun!” or “I enjoyed that!” when I would have never expected them to enjoy that particular performance.

30 week challenge… Day 10

This weeks blog challenge is to mention the last five people you’ve texted.

Kate – my friend from Texas Tech, who we do everything together. Well except sleep and go to class, but it seems like we can and do do everything together because she’s that awesome.

Philip – we are making a trip down to Austin and as the Austin resident we are visiting he is head of the planning committee and we are texting about that.

Lauren – my friend who has proven to me that time and distance is not reasons friendships break up. It’s very possible for them to stay together as long as you both want. She’s headed to Florida for a Disney internship on Saturday which is a huge venture on her part.

Christy Carrol – my boss’ wife who made Jacob and I cookies while we were working camp this weekend. It was very sweet of her and her baking might possible rival my moms.

Mom – I don’t think this needs an explanation but I’ll make a shout out to her for being the best mom in the world and I’ve very grateful to have her for a mother.

30 Week Challenge… Day 9

This week’s blogpost topic is to Share your opinion on religion.

I’ve seen a lot of ugliness come out involving religion during this election season.  People spend too much time arguing over who is right and what exactly everybody should believe with the goal of being right and convincing everybody of that.  People reach conclusions differently and I have seen nobody truly convinced someone else is right after a religious argument.

The other trend that bothers me is when people get too wrapped up in themselves and trying to be holier or a better Christian or whatever religion and you lose sight of what is important.

Amongst all of this, there is a place for religion but I think people are the ones who mess it up and make it something that isn’t good.

I know personally I’m at a place where I’m not sure exactly where and how to say I am ___ when it comes to all the different Christian denominations.  I am a Christian, that I know but when it comes to Baptist, Lutheran, Methodist and all the different things out there.  I really have no idea at this point.  I see friends on Facebook putting Feminist as their religious status, others Christ Follower and I don’t think either of those are right. Right now mine is blank because I don’t think one word can encompass it all for whoever feels like browsing your “About Me”. If I put just Christian that could be super liberal “progressive” Christian, or it could mean super conservative legalistic Christian. I’ll figure out something in the future, or maybe I’ll just leave it blank.

30 Week Challenge… Day 8

This week’s challenge is to name your top ten pet peeves.  I dug deep in my brain to find these because in general I have a lot patience and tolerance and very few things piss me off, but when something does piss me off, I get really pissed off. So here goes.

1. People being rude to others

2. People not respecting my time

3. People who can’t be flexible

4. Coworkers that don’t fulfill their job duties because of laziness

5. People that judge other people purely based upon physical appearance

6. People who can’t see anything beyond their own needs

7. When people chew with their mouth open, especially if I can hear that they are or I can see the food

8. Boys that try flattering you to win you over. I’m not stupid.

9. When people try to talk to me when I’m playing the piano

10. chalk or nails on a chalkboard

I see a pattern of people HA! Take that to mean what you want.

30 Week Challenge… Day 7

This post was due last Saturday, and the challenge was to name your five best friends and five great qualities of them. I picked five people who are part of my daily life and have been very true friends. Honestly my list can be a lot longer but these five people get gold stars.

Lauren is a friend I’ve known since I was 13 years old. She has a sense of humor that can find humor in any situation, and she always points me back to God, to prayer, when I am stressing out and worrying about the little things or big things in life. She reminds me of all the little things that I am blessed with. We have managed to stay very close by writing letters which apparently has been proven by psychologists to be the factor that consistently determines the success of long distance relationships. She is long past the high school drama phase and I don’t feel like if I say the wrong thing or talk too much about myself that she’ll get mad or annoyed. It can be months without us seeing each other but it’s not weird or hurtful since we both are very busy and she doesn’t live right around the corner.

Amber is a girl I met a year ago. She and I share a birthday (next month is our 21 woot woot), and we look for ways to do things such as eat out once a week but do it cheaply. We also are trying to make fitness one of our goals. We made more progress this year than ever as far as sticking to something, we stuck with a weekly water aerobics class and that set the tone for the rest of the week as far as it seeming possible to make it to the gym. As an engineer she’s really busy, but yet since she is past high school drama also it’s not super dramatic if one of us is busy. She inspires me to strive for being more than fine, and to not settle for low standardsfor myself.

Bobby is a guy that I met in my studio piano class. I don’t know if I can really pinpoint exactly why we are friends.  We bonded over our shared love for music, but the fact that we aren’t people who slave away in the practice room for hours a day.  We talk about life in general, and I always walk away feeling that things really aren’t that bad and things are really good.  He makes me question things about religion and examine really why I am believing what I’m believing. Also he helps me see how people are so ridiculous and he’s helped me pinpoint exactly what about people annoy me so I can learn to cope with that and learn from that.  He’s definitely over the high school drama phase also.  Half the time when I’m telling him about a problem he just laughs and it helps me laugh about it too instead of getting all uptight over it.

Janay is my current roommate.  She understands that if two people are in a room it doesn’t have to be awkward if you aren’t talking to each other the whole time. She is older also and is past the high school drama (notice a recurring theme here?), she’s pretty funny and we have great discussions about people and how they interact such as on the sitcoms we watch, and people in real life and especially classmates.  She feels like I’m not crazy and I love coming home everyday to see her and talk to her about things.  We both agree if we had to see each other all day everyday we would kill each other, but as of now we just see each other in the evenings.

Kate is a thinker for sure.  We love making plans to do things together.  I’m usually the one who comes up with stuff and then she’ll ask all the details and I actually have to think out everything that I just threw together.  There is hardly anything we won’t try to do at least once.  When it comes to free things between the two of us, we know where to find everything free.  If you need someone to make a late ice cream/fro yo run, Kate is the woman to call.  As far as discussing people, she always relates it to wolf packs or some other form of animal group which cracks me up a lot.  When it comes to learning the history of things she’s always interested in that and half the time she’s researched it herself.

Songs I’m loving:

P!nk – Try

Ben Folds – Draw a Crowd

Alex Clare – Too Close

30 Week Challenge…Day 6

Today’s challenge is to name five favorite websites.

1. http://www.sammyadebiyi.com – favorite blog in the world. He takes simple Christian concepts and writes about them while cutting the crap and being honest.

2. http://www.youtube.com – a place I can listen to music, share videos with people and watch videos that my family posts.

3. http://www.twitter.com – here I just kinda write my thoughts out within 140 characters. I try not to only write when I’m in the same mood all the time.

4. http://www.captainawkward.com – a website where people write in for advice in awkward situations with people. I find myself in those awkward situations sometimes and it helps to read other people having such problems.

5. http://www.questionablecontent.net – a web comic I like a lot.

30 week challenge…Day 5

Our weekly challenge for this week is to post a picture from our last social outing. Technically I’m still having his outing. Tonight was the Carol of the Lights, which is a tradition at my school where they have a little ceremony and then turn on the Christmas lights strung all across campus resulting in the whole campus being lit. Then some carols are sung by the choirs (which I was a part of) while accompanied by the trombone choir and off to the side there are a few people from Silent Raiders, the sign language student organization, signing the Christmas carols as they are sung. Afterwards there is a Christmas concert in the music building which I was a part of singing with the University Singers. This is a picture of a few of the girls from choir and I. I’m the girl in the front row with the dark hair.

30 Week Challenge… Day 4

Because of the Thanksgiving holiday we voted that it didn’t matter if your post was late, which ideas like that are always bad because I always end up taking advantage of the extra time.  My Thanksgiving was pretty awesome.  I really don’t have much to say about it because I feel it was one of those visits home where it was awesome but not newsworthy.
This week’s question is: Hypothetically it’s your birthday, write out a five item gift list.

1. chocolate

2. Red jeans

3. Long board

4. Plane ticket to Fort Worth

5. People-be-gone spray

I generally struggle with coming up with gift wish lists but hey I gave it a shot and I used my imagination at the same time.

30 Week Challenge… Day 3

This week we are supposed to include three pictures of us from the last three years.

It was really cool to go back and look at pictures and see a bunch of old ones that I had forgot I had.  The first picture is my senior picture when I was ready to head off to college.

This picture was my first day on the job as a camp counselor the summer before my second year of college.

and this picture was a “first day of school” picture for my third year.

Lookswise I don’t know how much I’ve changed but for sure I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot.  As time went on I didn’t notice it, but looking back… wow

30 Week Challenge…Day 2

This week’s challenge is to write about five favorite concert experiences.

1. Midori Goto is a Japanese American violinist.  I got the opportunity to see her at the Bass Performance Hall in Fort Worth when I was really young.  All I can recall nowadays is that her performance had me awestruck and I knew that i wanted to play the violin.  That’s what got me where I am now playing violin at Julliard… just kidding.  Her performance gave me a love for the violin and I really want to learn how to play it.  After three years I can play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Go Tell Aunt Rhody.  It’s a start.

2. Alexander Kobrin is a Russian pianist who won the Van Cliburn Piano Competition in 2005.  After that he had a performance at the Bass Performance Hall and I was lucky enough to go see him.  He has a wonderful touch at the piano and he reminded me of all the reasons I love the piano.  He not only plays wonderfully but he is very attractive also which is an added bonus.

3. The School of Music at Texas Tech renovated their organ this summer.  At the beginning of September they had a re dedication concert for it.  They brought in James David Christie, a famous American organist to play the concert.  The first song he picked really showed off how much the renovation improved the sound of the organ.  It inspired me to get off my butt and learn the organ.  If all goes well then next semester I will be taking organ lessons.

4. MercyMe was amazing in concert.  Re solidifying the fact that they are one of my all time favorite bands ever.  I remember feeling refreshed and at peace after their concert.  I really need to go see them again.

5. Sanctus Real was the same thing.  I felt rejuvenated after seeing them in concert. There is no other way to describe it.  The more I listen to them, the more I fall in love with their music.  Now go check them out.

Honorable Mentions: Lang Lang, Michael W. Smith, First Baptist Church Dallas’ piano duet concert, Hawk Nelson.

Songs I’m loving:

Sanctus Real – Alone

MercyMe – In You

Maroon 5 – One More Night

30 Week Challenge…Day 1

Supernerd, insanedrspock, frogthots and I have decided to try a 30 day blog challenge but do one post a week, making it a 30 week challenge.  Each post is due Saturday at midnight. You can view their blogs at

supernerd64.wordpress.com

mcb2014.wordpress.com

insanedrspock.wordpress.com

Today’s weekly challenge is 10 random facts about yourself.  Supernerd and I had a whole discussion about how we hate this because we don’t like coming up with things, and who says that those things are interesting or random? Either way I’m giving it a go.

1. I don’t know if I could give you an accurate representation of myself in 10 facts or even 1000 facts.  There are so many different angles plus I don’t even know myself sometimes.

2. I am definitely an introvert.  I think a lot, or more like all the time and just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m upset.  I’m probably just thinking.

3. When I get stressed out, I don’t turn to food.  I’m the opposite where I tend not to eat which always makes things worse of course.

4. I would like to study abroad at some point, just to have that experience.

5. I’m not very assertive or confrontational but that is a skill I am slowly developing.  Such as the idea you don’t have to text people back if you don’t want to talk to them or talk at the moment.

6. I have more patience then most people I know.

7. I love visiting libraries, museums and health food stores.

8. I love music that I can sing along very loudly to.

9. I cry a lot.  Crying doesn’t mean I’m sad necessarily.  I cry when I’m happy, angry, sad, excited etc… I am however one of those people that it’s hard to tell if they are crying even if you stare at them straight in the face so most people don’t notice.

10. Writing is a way for me to get my thoughts together.  Often when I’m upset I’ll text my friends rather than talk to them because the writing out my thoughts helps me figure things out.

It’s the small things…

Life sucks.

Life is unfair.

Life isn’t always fun.

Life is hard.

Life is not a basket of roses.

I would agree with all of the above statements.  I honestly believe they are true.  If one thinks about those sentences regularly you are bound to catch yourself in a very depressed mood.  For me personally I may believe those things, but I have to take the time to see all the little things in life that make it happier and worth it.  Last night I was leaving the music building and was almost to my dorm when I realized I had lost my ID. Part of me wanted to scream in frustration because it hadn’t been the best day. When I went back to look for it I did find it.  I could have easily spent HOURS searching for it, I could have easily never found it and been even more frustrated.  If I focus on the losing my ID part then that’s hugely frustrating, but if I focus on the part that I found very easily that helps not to stay in a bad mood.  It really is a choice. You can be that person mad about everything, always in a bad mood, or you can choose to have a different attitude.  A bad attitude by far is the easiest to fall into and keep, but a better attitude is worth it in the long run.

Also as a little rant here, I’ve seen people say things such as “depressed people see life like it is”… that is NOT true.  Depressed people see life through lenses that are greatly negative.  Usually it is because of stress of brain chemicals but they do not look at life correctly. Along those same lines, people say “I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist”. Realists aren’t people who take everything in life and find the most negative way to view it.  That is pessimism.  Let’s not get confused with all of that.

Songs I’m loving

Train – 30 Ways To Say Goodbye

Phantom of the Opera – Point Of No Return

Demi Levato – Give Your Heart A Break

Friends….

Usually when you hear the word friends you think of the iconic 90’s TV show. It’s been on late night TV a lot so my roommate and I watch it. It’s amazing how even on a TV show how the idea of having a group of ‘best friends’ is something everybody strives for.  Having friends.  In the show, no matter what happens they always forgive each other and come back as friends.  It makes conflict look easy. The very term friends or friendship brings a smile to most peoples faces.  Friends are something a lot of people depend on for advice, companionship, and just having someone to laugh at things that appear in this crazy journey we are all on called life.

Facebook redefined the way we look at friendship.  Now you can easily have 1,000 “friends” but how many of those people do you actually know? How many of those people have you sat down with and had a nice conversation that wasn’t comments or over Facebook chat? How many friends if they needed help would you actually go help? or are they just a random person on your friends list? How many of us get so wrapped up in updating our little online lives that we forget to have a real life outside of it?

I find that most people are very okay with shallow friendships.  Just the surface, see each other at school and go about my day friendships.  That’s okay I guess… but I really don’t understand that.  Maybe because I’m the type of person to want deep relationships with people.  I’ve realized that that is one of my problems is that when that doesn’t happen with EVERYBODY somehow I take it personally.  I’m realizing that no one has the time or the energy for that.  You will have deep relationships with people.  It may be a few people over your lifetime, or maybe it is many people over your lifetime.  The question is, what do you do with what is given to you? We all impact the people around us in bigger ways than I think any of us will ever comprehend.

The original intent of this post was going to be about how we all need to pursue those deeper friendships, but since then I’ve changed my mind.  I think we just need to be aware of the people in our lives and not take them for granted.  Time is short and you never know when something will happen and you won’t have later.  How many people have I taken for granted here at school and they were gone in the next semester with very little advanced warning.  For all the people that say they have no one to talk to, how do you know if you won’t try? We all are surrounded by people and most of us are waiting for the other person to speak up.  It probably won’t happen so take the first step.  Say hi to the girl sitting next to you in class.  Say hi to the guy on the bus.  Just try and see what happens.  Who knows, they could be your next movie buddy, or best friend.

Music time…

Supernerd64 just posted a new post on his blog.  Which made me realize that it’s been a while since I have posted on mine.  I feel like if you divided my life into five categories, that is where everything has been going on.  Today’s category we will talk about is music. I will get that friends post up eventually, more than likely next time.

Here at my university, we just renovated our organ.  We had a huge fundraiser last school year to raise money for it.  It was worked on for the whole month of August and it’s official re dedication was a couple of weeks ago.  It sounds so beautiful… I felt honored to be at that concert.  A few days later, Sigard Ogard (sp?) a professor who was on the keyboard faculty my freshman year, came up from Houston to play his own concert on the organ.  I found out he’s originally from Norway which is so interesting, and is also the reason I am unsure how to spell his name.  I’ve decided I would like to take organ lessons.  We’ll see how that goes.

My piano teacher is back from maternity leave and my second lesson was with her today.  I really like the way we are working together. For those of you that don’t know, I switched to a new one this year because my previous one is going to be doing research and not teaching.  I didn’t think I’d be too thrilled with the 9am lesson time but it’s working out quite well actually.  I’m glad I can see that after two lessons.  I believe one of the main reasons is that she said something about how in the past two years she hasn’t seen me enjoy music the way I did when I first auditioned, so she made one of our goals to make sure we are enjoying music instead of just playing.  It is true, because I get anxious about things and nervous and I worry, which I’m getting better at.  Also at not stretching myself so much that I’m just super stressed out so I think this goal came with good timing.

Two things I’m really wanting to learn to do well is harmonize with my voice, and improvise on the piano.  Both of these things involve figuring things out on your own instead of reading notes somewhere.  I am happy to report that with a few songs on my Ipod I am finding myself doing this.  Half of them is me following the harmonization of the artist but with a couple of others I’ve found a way to improvise a little myself.  Also in choir we are singing a song where the women are divided into four parts and I am the third part with some other women.  That is different to not be singing the top voice all the time but also very very good practice.  As far as improvising, Philip and I had a good sessions where I played the same four chords and he went at it on his viola.  I did different variations of these chords and it seems like a tiny thing but for me it is a huge deal.  Just playing something that isn’t me following notes or chords on a page, and it sounds like real music.

Ben Folds Five came out with a new album.  I only bring that to your attention so I can show you this song of his.  It’s called Do It Anyway and I think some of the lyrics are particularly good.

And if you’re paralyzed by a voice in your head
It’s the standing still that should be scaring you instead
Go on and
Do it anyway

HAVE COURAGE! Anyway go listen to that song because it is great stuff.  I think that’s about it for now music wise.

Songs I’m loving:

Ben Folds – Do It Anyway

Britney Spears – Stronger

Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah

Today…

…was a thinking day.  As an introverted person I need days where I can think about things and figure out things otherwise it seems like a big confusing blob of mess up there in my brain. Today I did that.  I finished the book I was wanting to read and I thought a lot.  I didn’t write in my journal as much as I wanted to but I got the thinking done which counts.

This weekend is Labor Day weekend so tomorrow we are off of school.  That means an extra day to catch up with things and make sure everything is in order, including sleep schedule.

I didn’t go to the football game yesterday.  Big shock since that seems to be the only sport my school can think about.  I did however go to a soccer game on Friday.  Our women’s soccer team is pretty good.  We won 1-0, scoring that one goal in the last ten minutes.  Winning? I think so.  I meant to go to a volleyball game but it slipped my mind.

In other news I have now watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, something a lot of people have been telling me to watch.  It was all it was cracked up to be and I’m sorry I haven’t seen it sooner.  I’m typically not a fan of British humour because I find their accents hard to understand, but now seeing Life of Brian and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I can now say that I love that particular series of movies, and a small portion of British humour.

Hopefully next time… and this paragraph is a reminder for me to do so… I’ll blog about people and how they classify people as their friends and how it baffles my mind.

Songs I love:

Nelly Furtado – Manos Al Aire

Skrillex – Bangarang

Fun – Some Nights

Getting a handle on life…

Sometimes being away at school, or working at summer camp, or even just life in general and I find daily function difficult.  I don’t consider myself clinically depressed or having an anxiety disorder or any of those other chemical imbalances, but I wasn’t sure what was up.  Then I read this post.

Her little biography to me felt like I had found the answer.  It’s not like it has a name and I don’t plan to be medicated for whatever, but the whole part about emotions and feeling things intensely fits me to a t.

People who know me may not believe this but as a child I was very very moody and very grouchy.  My family’s favorite story about me is how I when I was 2 years old, I would lay naked on the floor in a fetal position and if anybody talked to me I would just fuss at them very grouchily.  I also have a famous grouchy face as a kid.  This is what I was told my whole life growing up.  They even have video proof so I know they aren’t making it up.  I’ve also been told as a baby I would scream for two hours every night. As I got older I kept hearing all these things.  I decided that’s not what I wanted to be.

When I was nine years old I decided that I was a waste of space and wrote a whole journal entry about how I was, and how I’d be better off not living in this world.  I ended up showing it to my mom later and she assured me that that was not true.  That was the beginning of this roller coaster journey with my emotions.

My solution for that was that those kinds of emotions were bad so I tried my best to be a pleasant person. That in itself isn’t a bad thing but my last year of high school, and my first year of college I tried to ignore any bad feeling (sadness, anger, being tired, confusion) and always have a happy face.  As those couple of years went on things got worse and I wasn’t sure how to talk to them.  Thankfully I did trust a couple of people to talk to and I even went to counseling.  They gave me permission to have negative feelings, to be honest about my needs and wants and to be honest with who I really am without judging me.  I really needed that at the time.

So now that I have permission to have negative feelings, what do I do with them? Last year was a time of letting myself just feel things and it being okay for me just to feel it. Taking a step back and not doing things sometimes, just because I didn’t want to.  Not like I had a really good reason, but just because I didn’t want to.

This year I’m starting the dealing with emotions process.  I want to take up running, and exercise.  Practicing the piano, writing as therapy, and talking to people about things.  I looked at the group counseling options at the Wellness center (since those sessions are unlimited) and I saw an anxiety group.  I don’t know if I have time to do it, but if I do I want to go.  I’m not the best at speaking up in groups but at the very least I will learn something from everybody else talking about how they handle anxiety.

A lot of people are surprised when I mention being grouchy as a kid or experiencing anxiety because I give off a all put together aura or just in general a pleasant demeanor.  Honestly I’m not a very happy person naturally.  I work to become the look on the bright side person I am. It’s been a process and everyday is a step closer.

…And the best one of these is love

When we say we care for people, what are we meaning?
When we say we love people, what are we meaning?

I hear a lot of people say that they love everybody, or that they really care but do we? In a perfect world we would care and love everybody.  What are we doing now to show we care? If someone needed you to listen could you do that? If someone needed you to pick them up from across town, could you without grumbling about gas? If someone asked you who Jesus was, could you tell them without judgment?

Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, or exaggerate itself, is not rude, is not selfish, does not think evil of others, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Love also wants what is best for others.  Sometimes what is best for them isn’t what they ask for.  Love does not mean being a pushover and bowing down to everybody’s every whim.  I believe that love brings out the best in yourself and the people you are around.  Unhealthy relationships with people are not bred out of love, they are bred out of selfishness.

Love breeds healthy relationships with others, mends broken relationships with others and makes you the best person you can be.

Perhaps we don’t love people as we should because we are afraid. We’ve been hurt before, we’ve seen the ugliness of people, and relationships aren’t easy at all. Friends hurt you… Family is well family… Classmates are inconsiderate.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Olympics are over

The Olympics are always over waay before I feel they should be. I was still working at the summer camp for the first two days of the Olympics. That’s when DVR came in handy to enable me to watch the opening ceremony when I got home. It was incredible to see all these different countries come together for a common goal. It gives me hope for the future.

Some of my all time favorite events to watch…
Women’s Artistic Gymnastics – the power they can put into the tumbling elements they do, the way they seem to fly on the bars, and the way they manage to flip about on a four inch beam amazes me. It’s always sad when nerves get in the way but it’s a truly remarkable event.
Rhythmic Gymnastics – this event almost seems more like dancing rather than like the artistic gymnastics. In this event the women seem to be almost contortionists as they dance around with their apparatus. They never cease to amaze me.
Track – the races are exciting. Watching the athletes run their hardest. There is no bias of judges giving points. It’s just plain old who-crosses-the-finish-line-first. The athletes run so fast it seems like an animation sometimes.
Diving – How in the world they can manage to create such small splashes amazes me. The little smack their plans make when they hit the water is something else I like.

Some new events we watched this year that I now love…
Synchronized swimming – wow. Is all I have to say. To me it was like rhythmic gymnastics but with a whole team and in the water. When they do the sections with their legs in the air and their bodies are just straight down in the water… It’s incredible.
Women’s volleyball – they hit the ball so high in the air it makes sense how they have time to run underneath it and hit it. The number of spikes that were blocked amazed me. It inspired me to go play some more volleyball.
Trampoline – something I didn’t imagine the Olympics would have, but it seemed to me to be just another gymnastics type event, which I always love.

NBC announcers annoyed me several times. The way they decided they always needed to point out mistakes the athletes made, or comment on how distracting a synchronized swimming teams costumes were (it had no effect on their score), or putting in a little special about the Republican VP announcement. I feel they do a bad job of broadcasting the Olympics but I’m not sure how they could improve.

As a college student, there were several of my fellow Texas Tech students that competed in the Olympics. One of them I personally knew, his name was Julian Wruck and he was a discus thrower. He placed about 25th in the event. But to think that I’ve met someone who has competed in the Olympics… It makes that whole event seem less like a place where superstars compete, rather just regular people like you and me who have a passion for their sport. The whole event inspired me to workout more and to see where my body can go. Also to grab on to my passions in life and see where those can take me.

The home stretch…

Summer is almost over.  Two weeks before I head back to school and three weeks until school actually starts up. *gasp* Yes, but I know I have enough energy to tackle this school year. I feel I had a good chance to evaluate myself and where to move forward in life.

1. I want to balance eating cheaply and eating well.  I don’t plan ahead very well. I’ll end up eating three times in six hours one day, or on another day I’ll eat breakfast but not eat for ten hours. I don’t listen to my body as far as when to eat, how much to eat or what to eat.  I know there is a better way to do this.  I’m going to think less about money when it comes to eating, and more on what my body is telling me.  Not necessarily submitting to sugar cravings…

2. Related to number 1, I haven’t been exercising well either because half the time I don’t have the energy to get myself over to the gym and do something other than go to sleep. But I’m planning to get a locker at the gym… that’s how I got myself to practice more.  That way I don’t have the excuse of “I have to haul all my stuff to the gym”. It is just there which is awesome. Plus Amber and I have officially decided we are workout buddies which will definitely be motivating.

3. I like learning, but too often I get in a bad mood and spend more time in the bad mood then trying to learn something, or study for my classes.  This year I’m going to concentrate on taking some time to learn something everyday even if it is not stuff for my classes.  It could be a self assigned project or something, but it has to be learning something. 

4. I think spiritually I just needed sometime to step back and look at myself.  See myself lash out with my ugly sinful side, see the parts of me that I don’t like, see that I’m not a great person honestly, and accept that.  Accept the fact that no matter what I do, I will never be a “good” person, or be satisfied with myself. But have the right attitude about it. Not letting that be a depressing thing but also not letting it be something where I just give up on everything and let whatever happens. I want to be a change, but I can’t do it myself as a measly human.  I want to speak up on behalf of the people who don’t have voices, who need help etc… but without taxing myself to the max.  That balance is where the challenge lies.  I will be trying it out this school year and I’m excited to see where it happens.  

To add a side note to the change thing.  I want to support people in their own betterment. I don’t mean force people to change, but help people take the things they want most, and help them stay motivated and on track. Something I’m good at… I’ll see exactly how this idea takes shape. 
Life is a journey, not a destination. I find some of the best ways to make progress is to listen and seek understanding so that you can work with people and see where they are coming from. People come and go, but a few stay forever.

Songs I love:
Hans Zimmer – Discombobulate
Outkast – Hey ya
LMFAO – Take it to the Hole

Camp is wrapping up…

Camp is wrapping up. I haven’t updated much. Honestly it has been a whirlwind and I don’t even know where you start blogging. Sam and I obviously failed at our challenge of posting once a week. I just have soo much running through my head. I really need to have some facetime with Kate or Lauren… Oh wait, Kate and Lauren don’t have FaceTime on their phones. So I’ll just have to wait to talk to them in person… which will happen within the next month. Now if only that time would hurry up and get here. Not that everybody here is a terrible person, but they are just too subjective and I’m not like BFFLZ’ with them and I really miss them. It’s been over two months…

Other than that, there have been some super super awesome coworkers here. I also feel like I’m learning a lot about myself in general and I’m getting really excited for this next year, rooming with Janay and reaching out to the girls on our hall and just other things in general. The Texas 4-H center was always a place where I could recharge and I honestly feel like home here. It’s my third home… Lubbock, Saginaw, and now Brownwood.
My sister Olivia is coming to camp! I’m soo excited! It’ll be her first time and I know that she is uber psyched! It’ll be cool to introduce her to my coworkers and watch her experience camp for the first time.

I think I’m going to go to sleep… this was a really long week, but I felt the need to update this blog.

Songs I love:
Spice Girls – Wannabe
NSYNC – BYE BYE BYE
Jefferson Airplane – We Built This City

My summer went a little like this

I feel a strange tug between Lubbock, Brownwood AND Saginaw. You’d think my mind would stop multitasking and just pick something. Speaking of multitasking, I’ve been asked twice this month if I was ADD. The answer is no. I can concentrate on one thing at a time if I want to. ADD people get distracted even if they don’t want to. I also let myself get hyper around people but that has nothing to do with being ADD. I can control myself if I want to, I just choose not to because people enjoy it more when I don’t.

I’m here in Brownwood for the summer. I went home for Allie’s graduation. Working at camp this summer will be incredible because so far our whole team has bonded and is getting along very well without all the petty fights.
Allie’s graduation was sweet. The theme colors were pink and black and she played a wonderful program. I was soo proud. I even leaked a few tears during the actual graduation portion. That’s just an understatement of the emotions running through me at the time.

Right now, I’m so thankful to be in Brownwood. The people around me are incredible and I just feel a million times better than I did last summer around this time. I know it’s because of the change in college kids that they hired. Right now my favorites as far as new people are, Meagan, Jacob, Kelsey, and Jordan. We’ll see if that changes throughout the summer.

I get a good feeling

I’m listening to the Flo Rida song “Good Feeling” which is awesome. Mainly because he included old tapes of Etta James singing in this song. I mean who does stuff like that?? It had Allie and I fooled. She had told me it was Adele. I’m inspired to listen to weird classical music. All of that serialism, minimalism and all of that weird stuff that composers wrote in this century. We went to the scholarship concert the school of music held. It was odd because name was in the program for scholarships. However, all four choirs performed Mozart’s Requiem Mass which was AWESOME! Especially the Kyrie. Most of Mozart’s music is super giddy and happy, or as Philip said “elevator music”, but this Requiem Mass has some deep and very emotional parts to it. I think I had a musicgasm while listening to it.

This week seems like it has all been about music. Which is probably a good thing since it is my major. The more things I go to outside of Intervarsity/music events, the more people I realize that I know. It is slightly scary. People keep throwing the world “popular” at me, but it I think it is just a bunch of BS. Being popular is different. I just am nice to people and try to be a really good friend and I have a warm personality. Hence my INFPness… For those of you that don’t know what that is, go and take the Myers-Briggs test. One common thing that I don’t think people understand in our extroverted world is that I’m an introvert. I just generally don’t appear like one because….check this… my personality type is able to act like the opposite, but it is very energy draining.

I’ve noticed a hierarchy of status with people in my life. There are the people that I know who they are and the people that know who I am. Then there are the people I know a lot about because I’ve listened to them talk and I’ve facebook creeped. Then there are the people that when they are finished talking, they listen long enough to hear what I have to say. That is the three levels, it is not complicated but that’s the way it is. Everybody has their spot and I love people a whole lot. I think there is good in everybody, even the people we think are complete idiots, or douchebags or others such things. You just have to look for it.

Songs I love:
Flo Rida – Good Feeling
Skylar Grey – Invisible
Pink – It’s All Your Fault

Music stuffs…

I don’t know why but recently I’ve felt super super inspired to do things.  Such as practice the piano, learn how to sing better, practice playing chord piano, make up dialogues in my head, learn how to dance REALLY well, read books etc… I’m not sure that I’ll have time for all of this but I’m going to try.  Especially since summer is coming up and there will be some loads of free time.  Also because I’ve decided Saturdays are my empty days.  I won’t do anything on those days except possibly go to a concert in the evening.  That is what happened last Saturday.  Also it is a day which is reserved for wearing something different than I normally would.  Today I am wearing a dress which usually sits in my closet all day.  Kate and I attended the beautiful Jackie Steven’s junior recital.  Jackie sang wonderfully and I got to meet her mother which was cool.  I love meeting people’s family.  It shows another side of them which I love seeing.  I don’t like seeing one side of people.  I like seeing many different sides.  Them with you, them with their friends, them with their family, them stressed, them happy, them tired etc… Then I feel you get to know the whole complete person, or at least more of it.

In class we listened to Therody for the victims of Hiroshima.  It is a classical piece attempting to depict what it would sound like if an atomic bomb dropped.  It is very very ear shattering.  Go listen to it, but be warned that it will be very grating and not very pleasant.  I had  heard it before this class only because of Philip.  He is such a classical music nerd.  It’s always listen to this, listen to that and before you know it I feel more cultured because of it.  I tend to get lazy and seek out pop or rock music and not classical music.  I do like the aspect of the words in it but in this semester of Music History we are studying modern music and my interest has been peaked.  Partly because half of the stuff my professor talks about, I had already discussed with Philip at some point during the two years I have known him.

I’m supposed to talk about guilt in my next post.  Ergh, here we go.  I’ve developed a guilt complex over the years.  I’m not sure exactly where I got it.  I might have mentioned something like this in earlier posts in the form of perfectionism.  I feel guilty for a lot of things.  Canceling plans with people, saying no to people if I don’t have a good excuse, having bad days, bringing up the person I am dating if the person I am talking to is single (most extreme example)… but I think you get the point.  This semester has been a lesson of not feeling that I owe people things or that I need to feel guilty and constantly be doing things for people.  It’s okay if I say no.  It’s okay if I don’t want to hang out with certain people.  I choose how my time is managed and not other people.  I choose what I do and not other people.  If somebody is trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to hang out with them, then that is their problem not mine.  If I am not in the mood to be around somebody then it’s okay to say that and it’s okay to not have good days.  That has no reflection on me or my character.  As Lady Gaga said “I’m a free bitch baby”. In fact being honest about all these things makes things better.  Hence the reason I can have a free day on Saturday.  Hence the reason that I can have a bad day and not talk to people.  Hence the reason I can now do what I want to do, instead of what other people want me to do.  I first realized it was a problem when Eren asked “What do you do for fun?” and I realized I had no answer to that because I did what everyone else did.  Philip helped me pinpoint that I had a guilt problem over this semester as we ran into different issues like that.  Hint hint: This all ties back to my idea of trying to be authentic. Basically if we aren’t being real with people and pretending that we enjoy spending time with them, or that we enjoy different activities where does that leave us? On the other side don’t take this to mean that you should be completely selfish and do whatever it is that your heart desires. I’m using this as an example when trying to be selfless goes wrong. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Especially as a Christian where there sometimes seems to be a standard of what you should be?

Songs I love:
Calvin Harris – Feel So Close
Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance

Research papers…

I’m totally procrastinating writing my research paper… I’m kind of sitting in the library wasting time. As far as having no motivation, that also applies to this blogpost. We are supposed to be writing weekly ones but I have simply lost my motivation for the past month but I’ve gained most of it back. Probably mainly to Philip coming to Lubbock to visit.

I meant to mention the drag show. I went to the one that Texas Tech GSA hosted and it was crazy the way the guys could dress so convincing as girls. One was dressed as Jennifer Lopez all sexified and stuff. So Amber handed me a dollar bill to give to him (her?) and she told me to give it to him in my mouth. I folded it up, stood up and had it waiting in my mouth, which he promptly bent down and took it from me with his mouth. No lips touched but it was pretty funny.
Speaking of Amber, we’ve been hanging out a LOT and we made an official declaration of being best friends. I have several people I consider my ‘best friend’ but they are the proud and the few. Her personally, we share the same birthday exactly. In fact I met her on my 20th birthday. She makes things super undramatic and super easy. That’s the best way to become my best friend. One of these days I’ll make an official list and I’ll thank every single one of them.

Next time I’ll try to talk about guilt and make it a super deep post.

Songs I love:
Enter Shikari – Gandhi Mate Gandhi
The Wanted – Glad You Came
Family Force Five – Never Let You Go

ONE MONTH

Today it rained and hailed. Shocking I know… Of course that means it is super windy, but it’s Lubbock so we all expected that.

One month is left of school. That’s exciting but really crazy. Today we went to the music store and I got some sheet music because they were having a big sale. Two Beethoven piano sonatas, Alberto Ginastera American songs and some Christmas music. I’m singing in worship for church now and I really like it because my singing I learned by ear.

Big research paper, recitals and composition are coming up!! D:

Songs I love:
Fun – We Are Young
Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
Gym Class Heroes – Ass Back Home

Marchhh

I went through my iPod and made a new playlist. It has all the songs I love but I forget to listen to because they are buried deep in the recesses of my iPod. On the list is hellogoodbye, demon hunter, maroon 5, FM static, American Hi-Fi, The classic crime… And other amazingness. I hope by at least hearing one of those names you started drooling. If not you need to update your iPod music.

Right now I’m doing Theory homework. We are studying 20th century music. There is so much math involved it is crazy. It’s also showing me why I love this period of music so much. One word: tritone. For those of you non music majors, it’s a weird interval sound that in “pretty classical music” you would never find.

Songs I love
Hellogoodbye – Here (In Your Arms)
American Hi-Fi – the Art of Losing
Flyleaf – Arise

Challenge accepted…

So in order to encourage more regular blogging, me and my friend Sam have decided to team up to bug each other into regular blogging. You can view his blog at supernerd64blog.wordpress.com. If we don’t complete the allotted weekly blogpost by saturday night than the other party is allowed to post whatever they wish on the other’s blog. I’m going to try and think of some really evil stuff because I’m pretty sure he’ll fail at posting first. :D

I was supposed to go to Georgia for my cousin’s wedding. That didn’t pan out. Unfortunately I was counting on that happening soo much that it was crushingly disappointing when it didn’t happen. It was kinda like the goal of everything and I was planning to just get out of Lubbock. It worked out because I had to learn to just get over the disappointment and find things to do, since I had canceled all my weekend plans in preparation for Georgia.
I met a cute little boy at the airport. He was waiting for his Uncle Jeremy to come home from Korea. I had just been crying from the stress of rushing to the airport and discovering that my flight had been canceled. He was very very friendly and very very sweet. He was six years old and soo cute!
“Look! I have an arrowhead necklace!”

Mom and I went to see the Vow at the theater. That movie made me cry four times so I am unsure whether it or Up is my new favorite movie. I cried three times during Up… It was about a couple who had been married for two months, then the wife has an accident and she wakes up and can’t remember the past five years of her life, which includes meeting her husband. The sad part about this movie was the part was when she didn’t remember him. He was trying so hard to be supportive but because she didn’t remember him she saw him as a stranger not a place of comfort. I could see how frustrated he was about it. It tugged at my heartstrings. It was based on a true story and that was the cool part too. It wasn’t a sappy romantic movie either. Now go see it before I ruin more of the movie for you.

As Spring Break is coming to a close, I did get almond roca, I did not see Philip (which actually turned out fine), I slept a ton and was really lazy, and I got to see Sam and Lauren two of my favorite people who live in Fort Worth. They are always nice people to visit with and I don’t feel weird or pressured or obligated to see them, I see them because I like to. So after all this laziness I’m ready to go back to school and tackle the rest of the semester.

Picture that is my phone background right now and it super inspiring says “You can’t change the world but you can make a difference.”

Songs I am loving:
Manafest – No Plan B
Gym Class Heroes – Stereo Heart
Styx – Renegade

Marchin’ On….

It is the month of March. Spring is so close to being here that I can almost taste it, but not quite of course. I hate that moment. I really really really really really want Spring Break to be here. I need to get away from people and I just need to talk to my family in general. Also I’ll get to see Philip for a little over Spring Break. I will not have seen him for two months so that will be extra nice. I’m planning on mom making me something to bring back. Possibly more almond roca?? I don’t know if that is something that it’s too hot to have or whatever but it’d be really nice. I also have a tiny list of people I want to try and make sure to see. If not then that’s cool but I’d really like to. I’d also just like to get some sleep around people I feel completely comfortable with. Nothing against my roommate, it’s just not the same as being home and sleeping with my siblings.

Nothing a huge deal has happened this past month. It’s more of just trying to get through things and survive. Not as in I’m drowning under things, just trying to get through things and not have a completely terrible attitude about it. It seems to get harder come each semester. I’m working this semester to identify people who bring me up and concentrate on seeing them when my mood is less than spectacular. I’ve also been identifying people who bring me down and I’ve been seeing them in smaller doses. It’s not that I can’t see them at all, I just know now when I can see them and when I need to chill a bit and avoid them. Stress management basically.
Right now, the main strategy that I came up with, thanks to Mackenzie… Is to make sure to eat regularly, sleep regularly and shower regularly. That helps a LOT. Normally when I’m not feeling so great or I’m feeling super down, I just avoid those three things because I don’t feel like eating, or sleeping or getting in the shower. But I’ve been keeping up with all of this pretty well.

I’ve identified that I absolutely abhor the question “What are you doing?” That makes me think three times as long to give a careful answer. That one is too easy for people to be like “oh you aren’t busy so we have to do something”. I never ever ever ever answer that I’m doing nothing. That way I at least can be doing something if I want to answer no. Because the people that usually ask “What are you doing?” are the type of people that would demand an explanation if I said no I didn’t want to. Usually an explanation is just complicated and weird and I’d have to make up reasons and so I’d just rather avoid the situation all together.

“Smile like you’ve got nothing to prove no matter what you might do, there is always someone out there cooler than you.” That is from the Ben Folds song There Is Always Someone Cooler Than You. I like the song because it speaks
about not thinking you are all that. It speaks about other things but I really really really like that first line.
The funny thing is that Philip always would talk about how great of a pianist is and I would always fuss and say how terrible he was, just to piss Philip off. But now that I actually listen, I love his music. Of all things.

Songs I love:
Ben Folds – There Is Always Someone Cooler Than You
Ben Folds – Rent A Cop
Ben Folds – Army

Set Fire To The Rain…

Why are all the good breakup songs about how the person is being a dick? I’ve tried finding some that have both people leave the relationship maturely even though it hurts. Katy Perry’s The One That Got Away is about the closest one I can find. Either way I’m not dwelling on all of that stuff right now. I just really like Adele’s song Set Fire To The Rain. Okay maybe I lied. It is one in the morning and that is when I think about the deep stuff I really haven’t gotten over yet. I really should go to sleep and stop thinking about this.

On to other news. Philip named a hissing cockroach after me. Of all the things to do for Valentine’s Day. Personally I think things like those are the best because they are personal and funny. Not something that just anybody could get you. Either way it really made my evening hilarious. In other joyful Valentine’s Day news, my siblings sent me valentines. I love that so much when they do that. It’s really cute and I just think they are awesome. That is the reason I love this holiday so much.

I had a group interview tonight and I don’t feel like I bombed it.
I’m also not feeling guilty about stuff like I usually do. A welcome change. I am however still stressing about school but it’s a work in progress.

Songs I love
Muse – United States of Eurasia
Pink – U + Ur Hand
Panic! At The Disco – The Ballad Of Mona Lisa

Boy meets girl…

Relationships.

They frustrate me when it comes to explaining them to other people. People always assume things no matter what you tell them.

Person 1: “Hey do you like him?”
Person 2: “No, we are just friends.”
Person 1: *thinks in head* Oh they will really get married someday.

Person 1: “Hey what’s up with you and her?”
Person 2: “Oh it’s complicated”
Person 1: *makes all sorts of ungodly judgements in head*

I personally can usually handle relationships until people start wanting details and start making judgements and giving advice. That makes me want to tear my hair out. I understand people perceive things differently, but I can’t change their judgement and perception about my relationship so I just generally hate talking to people about them. That doesn’t mean I won’t ask advice about them, but if I need advice I’ll ask the people closest to me who know me and how I relate to the other person.
To me it’s an extension of a good friendship except everybody expects you to make it something super public. I don’t go around telling EVERYBODY about my super close friendships, and I view relationships rather the same way. Most people view it as something super public. Example: The super public facebook relationship status announcement, “are they facebook official”.

The real reason I wrote this post was to make my first official complaint about the way Christians used “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” philosophy in very very bad ways. The concept is great, that you don’t throw yourself into relationships, you take it slow, and you save some things for later. The problem is that nowadays Christians are taking it to be “here is a checklist of things that makes a godly relationship”. That in itself is good, if it is used as a sacrament, helpful guidelines to go by. The issue comes in when people don’t live up to those standards, or they don’t have the textbook relationship. Then they feel guilty about it. I am queen of feeling guilty about things and I personally know this. Then the problem is since, whatever the relationship actually is, is viewed as bad so the people in the relationship hide it. They agree to hold themselves to certain standards so things look good but their heart is not behind it so they actually don’t do it. I think it’s just bullshit honestly. I believe that if both individuals are mature they can figure it out between themselves and they should seek counsel from mature people that they trust. But by all means not just make a bunch of stupid guidelines that mean nothing.

Now that I’m done ranting, I just want to say that I love relationships. I just don’t view them as a way to get to know people. You get to know the person as a friend, and then you move on to being in a relationship. When exactly is that point is a tricky thing and that’s just the fun of it. Not knowing and wondering for days, and it’s awkward and nerve wracking because nothing is sure.

They be trolling….

I am listening to Ben Folds right now. I don’t know if I ever mentioned how much I love his music. Philip introduced us and now we are good buddies. I like personifying things I don’t personally know. Such as the fork you are using… it has feelings too. How do you think it feels everytime you use your mouth on him just to get the last bits of food off of him…. That sounded a little more sexual than I wanted it to.

Frenner (Free Friday Freshman Dinner) was last night. As Intervarsity we always have 3-6 throughout the semester. Last night was the last one for this semester. It was kind of sad in general, but I got talking with some of the other girls. Actually I think of them as a little clique, without the exclusive part. Bridget, Clarissa, and Melissa. They all are really good friends and they room together so that makes them even better friends. They are adorable together. I haven’t really talked to them in a while but I got in a good conversation with Clarissa last night. She is gorgeous… on the outside as a beautiful person but also on the inside she has a beautiful heart. Bridget and Melissa also but there is just something about Clarissa that draws me in. I think for someone her age she is very mature.

I am engaged on Facebook. BAHA! I so missed those days. I’m engaged to a young man named James, who wanted to get engaged so that he could see how his friends would react since he is 24 years old. So far he’s been a busybutt and not accepted my invitation to be engaged. I did put up some couple pictures for my friends to enjoy. One I think looks really legit and I’ll post it below. Honestly with James I really really really think he’s cool. Not in a “I want to marry you way” but more of a “I think you are really cool and I would like to be like you someday”. He told me that I remind him of himself when he was younger except he was less peppier. That made me really happy to hear. I try not to spend too much time around him because I would hate to be bugging him. I feel like I’d be that little annoying person who doesn’t shut up.

Bobby is letting me use his laptop for the semester which is incredibly awesomely cool. I don’t NEED a laptop but it’s a nice convenience to have one for use. I don’t own it of course but I don’t need to own a laptop. Just having one for use is good enough. Mackenzie is letting me use her Ethernet cable so I can have internet in my room. This is super super exciting. In fact I am typing a blogpost on the laptop. I’m up in my room without internet so I’m writing it in Microsoft Word but I’m writing it on the laptop! Today is a complete Bobby day. He’s going to pick me up in about half an hour and we are going to Dr. Deahl’s for her Chinese New Year party. Then Joanna has her concert, and after that it is game night at Dave’s. We both just happen to be going to all three of those. A Bobby day is a very exciting thing to have.

Valentine’s Day is coming up! I’m excited kinda… Like the reason I find Valentine’s Day so exciting is that my family always celebrates together. We do Secret Valentine and it’s awesome. Nothing is cuter than getting a card from your five year old brother proclaiming that you are the best sister in the world. I’m not sure what I want to plan out this Valentine’s Day but I want to do something special with somebody. Maybe a girl party with Kate, Jessica and Janay. Andi is having a Valentine’s party for a bunch of girls she knows so that will be pretty cool. She’s trying to create an atmosphere for girls to be there and just be girls. I agree with her that often times we spend too much time trying to impress boys that we don’t sit down and just have girl time.

I just had lunch with Sebastian and I brought up some issues that have been on my heart such as how I feel our friendship has deteriorated and other things he’s done that made me feel unappreciated and stuff. Like it wasn’t huge life changing but it needed to be said. Sebastian being Sebastian had no idea of course but once we started talking it was all good and we are going to start having breakfast to start catching up and not just let the friendship fail. I was really surprised by his response to what I said. I honestly did not expect him to take me seriously at all but he did. Today reminded me of what it is in Sebastian that I like.

Philip came up for my birthday weekend. That was really really awesome because it had been a month since I had seen him. We went to the Simon Mulligan piano concert which was absolutely fabulous. Simon Mulligan is a sort of prodigy who is 29 now. He had a solo piano arrangement of Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue. It was incredible. I wish I had thought to pull out the recorder on my phone to record it for my mother. We also went to the mall with Janay and we saw baby zebras outside. They were so adorable. Janay of course flipped out because she loves animals. One of them started nuzzling my arm which was cute. I’m not the biggest animal person but I don’t hate animals. Anybody who tells you that is lying. I’m not just not used to the fur, the slobber, the jumping on you etc… I’m sure if I really took sometime to get used to all of that then I’d be perfectly fine with playing with animals. There is just no way that I can grow old without learning that. I’m sure one of these days somebody will sit me down and make me be comfortable with animals. People keep claiming that they will do it but nobody has as of yet. HA!

James my "fiancee"

Songs I love:
Relient K – Down In Flames
Bruno Mars – Grenade
Jonas Brothers – S.O.S

Guilt and other delicious things…

Guilt

What do you think of when you first hear that word?? For me we have been pretty close friends and not in a good way. I in general feel guilty about things. I don’t like inconveniencing people, I don’t want to be the one who is late and people are waiting on, I don’t like people paying for me or giving me money. This winter break I gave up a lot of that guilt. It took a lot of praying, iron pumping and alcohol but I did it. I’m not completely over it because old habits die hard but I don’t die inside every time somebody does something for me that I deem “out of their way”.

I believe that to be the best person I can be I need to be authentic because that is more loving than just bottling up feelings and pretending that is okay. Old me would not want to talk to people about things because “it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things” or “I don’t want to bother them”. Honestly if you look at the people who truly care about you most and are there for you when you need them, and you don’t share your struggles with them you are denying them a chance to bless you.
I am very guilty of doing that to people. Avoiding them and trying to deal with it myself. That’s not a healthy attitude to take at all. Last semester it reached a point where I could NOT handle it myself and thankfully I had the wisdom to reach out to some people and talk about it.
Mackenzie
Bobby
Philip
Kate
Eren
Lauren
Sara
…were people who amazingly never seemed to get tired of hearing me talk about my struggles and things going on even though I know for a while it was all the same thing. Also with the mistakes I made, they didn’t sit there and judge me for it. They really showed me that even though I do stupid things, they still love me just because I am me and not because I do great things for them.
That is exactly how God loves us. He doesn’t love us because we have done great things or we are a “good Christian”, he just delights in the fact that we are his creation. That doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want because of that, but even when we mess up it is not the end of the world and he won’t stop loving us because of it.

Yesterday I gave a five minute testimony in front of large group about the past semester and what I’ve been learning as far as my views on God and religion. A lot of people I knew were there and that made me really nervous. I’m not the best public speaker anyway, but it went very well and I anticipated people getting upset and worrying about why I didn’t directly talk to them about these questions about God but they didn’t. It was surreally amazing and I’m really glad I did it.
One thing I don’t like “inconveniencing” people with is this blog. I’m thinking of changing that and actually being a little more public about it. That will probably take just a little bit more prayer and strength because knowing that people are reading my writing makes me write slightly differently.

Songs I love:
Demon Hunter – Collapsing
Disciple – Shot Heard Round The World
Linkin Park – Hit The Floor

Johnny Depp speaks….

I think Johnny Depp has a lot of good quotes he has been quoted on.

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”
I identify with this quote completely. I don’t think I’d literally eat somebody since cannibalism isn’t something I am in to, but it definitely gets me riled up where I want to at least destroy a wall.

“My body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story.”
I identify with the first half of this quote but the second part is where I differ. To me tattoos are too painful to pursue, but I love writing things on myself. It comes off and in a couple of days I get to write something new. It’s also a reminder to get my butt in the shower if something is still on my skin after several days.

“We’re all damaged in our own way. Nobody’s perfect. I think we’re all somewhat screwy. Every single one of us.”
Oh thank you dear Johnny. This is so true. Some people try to paint me as a perfect person, which isn’t true. The people who really matter to me know that I’m flawed but they accept me anyway which I greatly appreciate.

“There are four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living “for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is same. Only love.”
I completely identify with this view on life. I believe that the kind of love worth living for is not just the romantic type where you concentrate on just finding your soul mate, it is also the kind of love that gives you patience to see past the flaws in the people that you love most.

“Music touches us emotionally, where words alone can’t.”
That is so true. Music brings people together in ways that are incredible. Great example of this is concerts. Think about how everybody gathers together just to enjoy an artist’s work. Think of how people bond together by how much they enjoy an artist’s music. Think of how people put so much identity in the music they listen to.

“If there’s any message, it is ultimately that it’s okay to be different; that it’s good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.”
This is very very very true. Getting to know people who are different than you helps with the judgement part. Once you see the people behind the differences than it makes it all so much more real and love can come in and take over.

“I am doing things that are true to me. The only thing I have a problem with is being labeled.”
This warms my heart. Labels are so overrated. It leaves people searching for identity and trying to box themselves into things.

“if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”
Just something to think about it… This helps me feel that I’ve done the right thing.

Songs I love:
Smashmouth – Satellite
Owl City – Hello Seattle
Superchik – Hero

All is fair in love and war

“Breaking up doesn’t mean all the feelings go away… They stick around a long time. Part of it is just getting used to the parts of your life that have changed because of the breakup.” are the words of my friend Philip. It has really helped me deal with things and move on. I just wanted to share that with you people who might need it.

I am going through my old voicemails. A lot of them are people whining about how terrible my voicemail message is. Almost all of them start off with some variation of “hey Camie” “hi Camie” or just plain “Camie”. I’m guessing people like my name. But I have recordings of more peoples voices than I had originally thought. I’m sure that sounds really creepy. I really don’t care at the moment. I do a lot of things that once you get to know me, you would find super creepy at first. If you really know me you understand why it isn’t creepy.

The people who really get it….
Philip
Mackenzie
Kate
Bobby
Lauren
Ohh I love them all so much. I would live in a huge house with them if that was ethical and a smart thing to do.

Songs I am loving
Adele -Set Fire To The Rain
Linkin Park – Hit The Floor
Kelly Clarkson – Behind These Hazel Eyes

Life After You

I came home for the semester. Really if I look at my life I can’t complain. I’m so grateful to be home with my family and just being able to relax and be around them… Like if I look at events that happened in my week it’s all bad things but honestly I say my week has been awesome. I broke up with Aron over Thanksgiving. It’s weird to be home now and not seeing him all the time. We ran into him at the movies, which I wasn’t ready for so I ended up crying a little bit but then we met up in person and talked about things. The main thing I am grateful for is that it’s not just me saying “oh this is over” but he sees why it is not working out. He was so very mature about things and that is the main reason I love him so much. Nobody played the blame game except on ourselves. There are a couple things I’m still thinking about, but it was really good and brought some nice closure. If you want more details you’d have to ask me in person. I just mentioned it here because it’s important to me.
My sister and I watched the new music video for Katy Perry’s song “The One That Got Away”. Basically they dated for a while and then they broke up. He’s driving along and he opens his visor, something of hers falls out and he ends up distracted and drives off a cliff. Yes I started crying because at the moment that hit way too close to home. I don’t know why Allie started crying but it was this weird surreal moment sitting in the library watching that happen. Now of course that song makes me cry everytime I hear it. STUPID SONG.

A couple days ago we exchanged gifts as a family, because we always do it on Hannukah. We do the menorah, typical Jewish food and decorate in blue and white. I love the Hannukah tradition so much. Every other part of my extended family does Christmas, but this is something different and special. We aren’t even Jewish.
My brother’s fiancee came to our family Hannukah celebration, because he couldn’t make it. Because of past events I feel super awkward and uncomfortable around her, but yesterday I made small talk instead of just being awkward and quiet so I think that’s progress. They are getting married in 10 days, and there is so much drama surrounding the wedding and stuff, but everything will be okay. I’m just taking a step back and laughing at it all and helping my mother deal. Again I just mentioned things here because it’s important to me.

I am reading a lot over the break. So far I’ve read Just Listen by Sara Dessen and Let It Snow by several authors. Allie recommended Let It Snow. I really wasn’t in the mood for a romance but this actually was a really nice one and wasn’t weird and cheesy. It was three different stories but they all intertwined which I love that about stories because you get to see different people’s perspective in stories.
With Just Listen, I’ve read that before and I consider it my favorite book because I identify with the main character. This time I actually identified not only with the main character but the two siblings she has as far as certain attributes with them. What about the main character do I identify with? This time I was reading through and seeing how she lost friends because she stopped talking to them. She assumed that those friends were mad at her but they weren’t it was huge miscommunication. That happens to me a lot. I lose friends not because there was a true falling out, just because both parties assume the other is mad because I stop talking to people. Also the whole factor as far as “being nice” instead of honest with people. That’s something I’ve seen myself doing all semester. I’m going to work on fixing that this semester and I’m going to buy myself a copy of that book just to use it as a reference point.
You. Go read the book. Tell me what you think. I’m interested in your thoughts about it. The current book I am reading is Jane Lynch’s biography.

Songs I love:
Linkin Park – Numb
Katy Perry – The One That Got Away
Disciple – Backstabber

What if we were real

School is over yay! I’m excited. Part of me is glad that it’s here but part of me didn’t want to leave Lubbock and lose the structure I have. I’ve been trying to think of things to do over winter break.
-Sew
-learn how to do chocolate
-practice Spanish
-practice piano hardcore
-practice spending time with God
That’s all I’ve got for now. I just don’t want to be a complete lazy bum over the break and if I don’t plan what to do I’ll end up doing nothing.

I’ve decided people sleeping is the cutest thing ever… Or people being vulnerable and open in general. When you hear them talk about their fears and worries, you see a whole new side of them. They are trusting you with a deep part of themselves hoping that you won’t laugh and smash it into a million pieces. I love listening to people when they get to that point. That’s where I’d they have a selfless side you see it… If they have a huge passion for something that’s where you see it… I wish this world wasn’t so cruel, that way people could open up more. I even am guilty of closing myself off to most people. If you knew a lot of my habits you would assume I was a creeper {I have been accused of that several times}, but honestly I just like seeing people at a deeper level than the mask they put on for other people.

I wrote earlier about my place with God. How I’m dissatisfied with modern Christians and I’m trying to find the authenticity.
This semester I’ve been trying to be authentic with myself. Now I’m breaking out and being authentic with other people. I can’t know the feelings and just hide them. There are a lot of people who frustrate me and I feel they just use me because they are bored and want to hang out. They are killing extra time they have and wasting my time. It’s one thing if I really have free time and want to chill with people but I often think that other people have the consideration for time that I do. As Bobby said most of us make the mistake of assuming that other people are like us and think like us. I am a very sweet person and I like doing things for people such as giving them my time, listening, etc… but lately I just feel used by several people. The solution I can think of is to be more of a bitch and not so polite. We will see how this goes.

I went to the big whoopdeedo Carol of the Lights. Not sure why everybody freaks out over it except for the tradition part. I’m not sorry I didn’t go last year. I doubt I’ll go again in succeeding years. I met up with Janay and then we met up with Kate, Rachel, Monica, Blake and Jessica from the Lutheran Student Center. The fun part about it is that we went back to the Lutheran Student Center and hung out for a while. That was really enjoyable. We watched Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation. That is my kind of funny movie. The humor doesn’t HAVE to revolve around dirty stuff but it’s not stupid humor either.

We watched the movie The Help. That movie was incredible. It’s depiction of treatment of black people in the 60’s was horrifyingly chilling. One household installed a second bathroom so the “colored help” could use it and they wouldn’t catch the special diseases they carry. They however didn’t seem to care that the same people slaved away taking care of their children and touching them. This ‘disease’ thing only popped up when it was convenient for them.

Because of frigid temperatures and ice on the roads class was postponed until 9:30. My final was supposed to be at 8:30. They rescheduled and they had the final on dead day. I didn’t realize you could do that. Either way that meant I got a lazy day with my first class at two. I now see why people who don’t have early classes never get up early.

Songs I am loving
Tobymac – Captured
Disciple – The Wait is Over
Maroon 5 – Never Going To Leave This Bed

Faith, Love and Happiness

Faith Love and Happiness is a good Thousand Foot Krutch song. Go listen to it.

Onto other business. I’ve been quiet for too long. I admit I have a terrible problem of just becoming quiet around people that I don’t feel comfortable with. I also have a problem with being assertive and confrontational. I have been better about that this year, with the people I feel comfortable with. I’m going to take this now to a whole new level and start it up with the people I don’t feel comfortable with. I’ve also been trying to be more open with people, especially people I normally am not. At the same time there are people that I just can’t open up to and honestly I am having problems being even just around them because I feel so weird and self conscious. One of them I have to see at least four times a week because of Intervarsity events. It makes me want to stab myself or something. Honestly Intervarsity large group just has been stressing me out and I’m not sure why. I honestly dread going and afterwards I have a huge headache. I also feel pissed off most of the time during it. Part of it is that one person but the rest is just..me being retarded. I’m working on it.

Faith… Right now I feel it’s in an odd place. I can’t let go of the fact that God is real. God is who he says he is. He is the Almighty God. But as far as why he has us here… that’s muddy in my head right now. Who says what it is to be a good Christian? The Bible does… but on something things like dancing, drinking, cussing, listening to ‘sinful music’, making jokes about dating girls and going to church. What makes them good? What makes them bad? Who gets to decide that? If you have thoughts by all means put them in the comments.
I have picked up the habit of cussing. I still haven’t convinced myself it’s a bad thing. I agree it’s bad to cuss in front of certain people because it offends them, but in general. As I said, I haven’t convinced myself that it’s bad. It’s helped me honestly. This summer is when I picked it up, working at Brownwood. Everybody cussed and it made me feel weird, except when I was with Cody and JoAnna. They were very awesome people and I felt very comfortable around them. Comfortable enough to cuss around them and feel okay about it. Now when I cuss it helps me not get depressed and just stuff my feelings inside. It helps me express my feelings, or at least acknowledge them. I have been crying waay less when things go wrong which I love because it is SO annoying for something to go wrong, get frustrated and start crying. I am prone to crying easily which I HATE.
Meanwhile I’ve also fallen into some other things which I’m not going to discuss here in detail. Either way, what I’m leading up to with all this is that I’m a leader in Intervarsity Christian Fellowship right now. If what I just wrote above is what is going on with me, does that make me a hypocrite? It does if that’s the reason God has us here. It means I’ve failed miserably. I don’t believe that’s the correct definition. I am having trouble talking to people “evangelizing” because I don’t feel I have a good grasp on why he has us here. I have fallen way out and down from quiet times because I’m trying to go about things and do them because it’s coming from the heart. Not because they look good and I will get the praise of men. Like as far as the cussing thing, it’s helping me express maybe frustration toward a situation instead of just bottling it up and saying it’s fine. I feel like everyone else on the Intervarsity Leadership team has a grasp on their spiritual life and I don’t. I’m probably wrong about that… but Mackenzie is the only person I feel that doesn’t feel the need to appear like she has it all together and that I can be completely honest with her. I haven’t told her about this yet… I talked to Sara, our staff worker and I hadn’t ever really thought about it before this, I just kinda hid my feelings. The only reason we discussed it is because she asked the right questions like she usually does.

Anyway so at the lunch table there is a bunch of people who sit there and lately some of the people have decided they can’t stand other people who come and it is their duty to bitch about them once they leave. Which I am thoroughly sick of and I will say something come Monday if they even start that shit. It really pissed me off on Friday but I couldn’t think of the words to say.

So that’s pretty much what’s running in my head at the moment.

Songs I love
Bjork – Army Of Me
Adam Lambert – If I Had You
OneRepublic – Stop and Stare

Head over heels in this life

The semester has been pretty awesome and I mean it. It’s not one of those things where I’m just saying it….. To be honest, there isn’t a lot to complain about. But I need to rant, and rant like right now. Just know that things are good in general.

I’ve really been wanting to get the Community Advisor job…. both times it’s fallen through because of only receiving one reference. The first time was my fault for not double checking, and this time it was my CA’s fault because she told me she’d turn it in and she didn’t. I’m trying not to be fuming mad but at the same time I trusted that she’d have her shit together and turn it in. I will talk to her about it and not be all passive aggressive… part of me is fuming mad because I just found out today so that means that if I turn it in then they will put me into the pool for next fall semester which screws over my plan for the spring semester.
Not that MY plan was the best. I changed my major to the Bachelor of Arts in Music so I don’t HAVE to do accompanying next semester. I’m thinking of not taking that class for less hours… and then getting a job maybe in the food service area. I think I can find 21 hours in my week to devote to the job. Hopefully it just won’t overlap with stuff. I don’t know how much help that much money will be, but it will discount meals which hopefully will make my meal plan go farther. I hate how everything comes down to money…. I’m also currently looking at apartments. I’ll have to discuss it with my parents but I know it’s cheaper.
And before anybody offers to give me money, let me just say that it’s just fucking creepy when you mention the money thing to a guy and then they offer money. Yes I understand they are probably trying to help out and fix the problem but its creepy……… Not naming names on this one.

Totally blew an accompanying gig at a recital. I say that because the vocal majors said something about it…. that’s the thing I feel behind on right now. The stupid accompanying stuff. Mr. Reiger was going to talk to me about it, but he hasn’t yet so I’m slightly worried. I am also chaining myself to the practice rooms for a few hours at a time.
Music History is good
Lessons are good
Aural skills is good
Theory is good
Atmospheric Science is good
So go figure. :P

Octobes…

I haven’t written a post for October yet.
I’m not sure what to write right now.
I’ve been trying to keep my online life to a minimum.
I’ve been listening to a lot of cool music.
Trying to deepen relationships with a lot of people.
Trying to face my anxieties instead of run away from them.
Trying to give control of my life to God.
Trying not to let frustrations fester.
I’ve been discovering some really amazing people out there.
I’ve also been letting go of people that I held on to because I felt guilty about having less than nice feelings toward them.

School is school… just more and more homework and the things I find myself being able to remember and perform is amazing.

Friends are friends… but I’m finding ones that I really feel completely comfortable around.

Going camping with the Lutheran Student Society this weekend.

I’ll post some pictures soon of cool things I’ve found around.

Philip got a girlfriend and I was worried about the jealousy issue popping up so I befriended her and it has not been an issue AT ALL. I’m so relieved. One less thing to worry about. She is incredibly awesome.

For the Intervarsity Vision Team meeting on Sunday afternoon, Dusty and I were supposed to host it. Basically using Dusty’s apartment and we cooking. He had to work so he told me how to break into his apartment and he assured me that Caesar would be there. Caesar was NOT there, Shawn was and he seemed really confused at first at why I was there and how I came in without him hearing me. Then he talked to me while I cooked and we had a nice conversation.

So Friday night, one of my friends had been drinking. It took me a bit to figure out that the Hawaiian Punch bottle wasn’t filled with what the label said it was. Anyway I asked him if he had been drinking, and he said yes and asked if I was mad. That kind of cracked me up because I wasn’t thinking along those lines at all.

As a music major you have to file an Intent To Graduate after 45 hours. I have 50 hours. Anyway so I’ve been thinking about life stuff and plans… so far some ideas I’m liking are.
Minor: Human Sciences and Family Development
Job next semester: CA with housing
Job sometime later: Intervarsity Staff Worker
Job way later: Librarian
Graduate: Library Sciences

Songs I am liking
Enrique Iglesias – Escape
Maroon 5 – Won’t Go Home Without You
Panic! At the Disco – I Write Sins Not Tragedies

Written in the Stars

If I had to pick one song at this moment for everybody to listen to it would be Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner. If you watch the music video you get to see Eric Turner who looks really hot with his hair falling in his face [not that his black tank top or facial hair has anything to do with his good looks] as he plays the piano… he kind of looks like Devi but that is a whole other story. Also personally I like the clean version of this song, not because it is clean but because I like the way they did it better. These are my favorite lines in the song. The ones that scream at me and make me love this song. I also love this song because Allie does.

…Adopted by the major I want my family back
People work hard just to get all their salary taxed
Look I’m just a writer from the ghetto like Malorie Blackman
Where the hell’s all the sanity at, damn
I used to be the kid that no one cared about
That’s why you have to keep screaming til they hear you out…

…But have you ever been so hungry it keeps you awake
Mate, now my hunger would leave them amazed…

…Everyones a kid that no-one cares about
You just gotta keep screaming until they hear you out…

Chorus:
Oh written in the stars
A million miles away
A message to the main
Oh
Seasons come and go
But I will never change
And I’m on my way

>.>

Yeah that’s right, I hate writing titles. I wish I could just throw title writing out the door totally…grrrr

So what’s on my mind? Yeah I know it is not facebook… but what is on my mind. Well in music history class we are talking about gregorian chant and all that old music that is still used in the Catholic church, Episcopalian church etc… Now I want to go to a church that sings all that. Chris Tomlin, Michael W. Smith and all those people are pretty cool, but I want to try this new thing. I figured out that I can go to the Episcopalian church and my regular church if I go to the early service at 8:00am. I am rather nervous actually because the general gist I have kind of gotten growing up and stuff is that “Catholics” and all that stuff is bad. Especially from Sebastian. I think I am most nervous about having to tell him or him finding out that I’ve been going to mass with Philip or that I went to a different church early in the morning. Tonight I just feel that I don’t care. I really don’t……. care. BRING IT ON! I don’t feel that I can give up my current church because I know too many people there. It starts at ten so I can totally do two church services. If I get brave enough I may go to church with Philip and then my church. That would blatantly scream I’M GOING TO A CATHOLIC CHURCH.
Philip inspires me. I mean nine times out of ten people who I see him encounter are not Catholic and don’t agree with it but he doesn’t care. He truly believes it with all of his heart and I love that. I wish I was like that. I’m going to try and be like that. That was the main reason for my list of things I’m giving up.

Also the other thing is I really don’t have a good girl here to talk to. That’s not to say that all girls hate me or anything. I just don’t feel that I have a girl here at school that I can just talk to and they are just as excited to see me as I see them. It is driving me crazy. I’m going to keep looking but at this point, I am going to go the the Wellness Center tomorrow and talk to a counselor and just get checked out. Not because of any mental health issues or anything, I just am feeling stressed out and I want a girl to talk to, but I want that girl to be as into me as I am into her. I don’t know if I have too high of standards or something. But I’m stressing about stuff, and I’ve unloaded too many things that I really shouldn’t have on Philip and Brandon and it is showing from Brandon that that wasn’t a good idea. I’m just going to go and get checked out and talk about my stress. They evaluate you and then send you to one on one counseling, group therapy or MindSpa depending on what your needs are. I personally am betting I’ll be MindSpa’d or something.
A personal note: Bindu is excited and happy to always see me so that’s the level of girlfriend commitment I want but I barely know her and she’s a freshman so I don’t want to word vomit all over her.
Kate seems like someone I can talk to, but she doesn’t seem super available which is okay. I voiced one section of my frustrations to her and that has helped because she is experiencing the same thing since those frustrations are with a mutual friend of ours.
Lauren has been awesome but you really can only do so much when you guys are long distance.
And of course Eren and Philip have offered to be there if I ever need to talk about anything. Eren because he does it to me all the time, especially lately and Philip because he’s awesome like that but I’ve used him waaay too much. So I really think this is a good course of action. Yes I’ve been praying about it. I’ve been praying about the top things also. I’ve been thinking about that all summer so it’s not just something that popped up.

Oh on a side note I didn’t fail the Math Placement exam like I had thought I had. I got a score of a two that gives me a high enough score to take remedial math or college algebra with review [five day a week class]. I can take it again, so I will and with Eren’s help and I will do ALL the sections just to try and qualify for higher stuff and then just take the stuff I want. Grrr so complicated. Math and I have a rocky relationship.

No more… I swear

feeling guilty for everything
caring so much about other peoples opinions
being scared to talk about controversial things
avoiding serious conversations
not speaking up when people are being dumb and judging others
judging people for talking with food in their mouths
feeling guilty for cringing when certain people text me

I swear I will quit these things… except for the fact that these things take time to change and I’m kinda addicted to them.

For some reason a lot of things just piss me off. Especially later in the day. Not sure why. One is people exclaiming “you are the best” or “you are awesome”… also a few people who I don’t want to mention here. Philip is keeping me sane but he doesn’t know it. He’ll probably never know because I’m not quite sure how to tell him. The occasions I tell him he is awesome he tells me I’m going insane because I’m not insulting him lol. Lauren keeps me as sane as she can from a distance. I just need her and Aron to come to Lubbock and live, or I guess I should go back home. \

Failed the math placement test but I’m just stupid and thought I could/should do it on my own…. I’m trying to be whatever about it… but it’s not really working. So I’m going to go to bed before I manage to convince myself I’m a horrible person.

I just realized this is a terrible depressing post and I apologize. It’s just got some ranting. Things are going really good, it’s just the little dumb stuff that I keep getting frustrated and mad about.

It’s September!!!

So life really has been class, and Intervarsity. As a leader I co-led my first Bible study with Dusty and it went really well in my opinion. We had a bunch of old timers and a new girl that wasn’t shy so it wasn’t a “everybody is new” situation.
Getting to know all the new freshman and stuff is really cool too. Especially since two of them live in my dorm. I’m trying really hard not to be a snob but to be friendly to people. I’ve reconnected with a few of the music majors, the less whiney ones.

Things cool things that have happened that I really wanted to share are…

Wesley – I was sitting in my dorm lobby after church still dressed up waiting for Sebastian to pick me up for the Vision team meeting. He asked me if I had just come from church and I said yes. Then he started talking about how he’s a spiritual person… And then I invited him to church and he said he’d think about it. Wesley is a really cool guy and the fact that he’s interested is just cool to me.

Eren – I am the person he usually vents about stuff to. All last year he teasingly made fun of me for my involvement in intervarsity and church. As he said once “I believe in God but not enough to sing about it”. Last night we were talking because he was venting about stress in his life and he said that he’s starting to go to church, and he’s been reading the Bible. That is just so encouraging and awesome to me. Over the summer he had said that he had been praying every night. So baby steps of course but… All I did was be his friend and listen to his frustrations and stuff with life.

I just really wanted to share those stories… It’s so crazy because I really didn’t do anything except be a friend to those people but yet things happened. That blows my mind and kind of reinforces that fact that I’m nothing and it’s God doing the work.

A funny story I have…. Is Philip and I were insulting each other as usual except for Thursday night because I was out of good insults. So basically I was getting creamed. He was making up stories about me getting drunk and passing out last year at Wall and how he had to take me to my room.
Philip: So I grabbed her legs…
Aaron: PHILIP
Philip: …and dragged her to her room.
Anyway that little incident cracked me up. He also wrote me a letter which has some of the most cleverly outlined insults I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to post it here because it is quite cruel.

Schoool is almost hereee

Something cool that wordpress does if you set it right in the settings… is that I look over to the right and in the publishing tab there is a place where you can checkmark the box “This post is super-awesome” just as a nice little booster. I checkmarked it even though I don’t believe this post is super awesome.

I’m really excited to meet my new roommate. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned her before here but she’s a little freshman who seems very excited to come to Tech. I’m not going to place high expectations on things like I did last year with my roommate. If we turn up best friends than awesome, otherwise that’s cool also. I have the textbook she needs for general psychology, and I asked for the left half of the room. Otherwise I just can’t wait to meet her and see what she’s like as far as living with other people, personality, hopes and dreams… the stuff you can’t learn about people until you spend time with them in person.
Kirsten texted me today letting me know that she’s in town… my collegetown that is. She’s going to the private university down the street and they always start a week earlier than my school. She is an old friend of mine who we used to carpool out to piano lessons with and she has a special place in my heart.
I get to school on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday will be the “Pre-school” Retreat for the new Bible study leaders to catch up and kind of have a time to regroup before the school year starts. We have no idea where it’s going to be as far as I know but Josh asked Dusty and I to do the shopping for the food and to cook the meals. Honestly, I’m excited. I love cooking, especially in large amounts. I hate cooking for just myself. Being out at school will mean not homecooked meals. I’m going to possibly try bugging my apartment friends to let me use their kitchens… but so far that’s a small idea that I haven’t implemented.

Speed is the new game that is famous at our house. Josiah is always grabbing me and begging me to play it with him. For a while I was the champion but then Hope beat me and Micah. Yeah so I’m no longer the champion. I’m going to try and regain my title, especially since it was a nine year old who stole it.

I found a book at half price called Live Like a Jesus Freak written of course by the wonderful DC Talk crew. It is very inspiring to read. I bought it so the kiddos can enjoy it because they are all into the DC Talk guys and the Jesus Freak thing. I want my siblings to be warriors for Jesus. But not the annoying in your face YOU NEED JESUS type. The type that are loving and not necessarily cool or perfect, but people will look at there lives and say wow. Not because they look good on the outside but because they are transparently genuine. That’s my goal. Hopefully I can achieve it… I mean not that I can accomplish it myself. I just hope that my life can at least inspire them to be open to that direction.

I love this blog
http://www.sammyadebiyi.com
He posts almost daily. The stuff he posts in his blog are so inspiring to me. It’s so relevant. Like today he was talking about how we compare ourselves to others and then we get jealous and envious etc… He said the way to combat that is to publicly praise [not flatter] whoever or whatever it is that you are jealous of. That is so so so true. I mean imagine if you told whats her face that you can’t stand that her hair looked gorgeous because it really does look gorgeous and eventually after several episodes of that you would find that maybe you actually do like her. Anyway, I found it really inspiring. You should check the blog out. I mean the name of his blog is “How much does God weigh,” I mean how cool is that?

I’ll write more tomorrow because I am not done writing about everything.

Photos!

these are some cool pictures that I found… I only took one of them, I hope you like them.

It’s Augusto!

So what’s the haps? Camp is over yay! but at the same time I am sad because I really did enjoy working there this summer. The kids were so sweet… I’m soo working there next year if I can help it just for the kids. It’s weird because I didn’t walk away with a bunch of best friends from the job but I loved the group of people that we worked with. I’ll tell some stories to entertain y’all.

On the last day at the 12 and 13 year old camp I was sitting and talking with my campers while I was waiting for their parents to get there. Two parents that came to get their kids asked where the counselor and when I identified myself they said they thought I was a camper. GRRR I truly don’t mind because I know looking younger is a compliment but I don’t like knowing that I look thirteen years old.

At that same camp I had a camper named Marissa who was a redhead. I offhandedly reminded her to wear sunscreen and she forgot to. She had one of the worse sunburns I have ever seen, and I have seen pretty bad sunscreen between me and my family who is full of redheads. Nancy from the kitchen gave me vanilla to put on it. That’s right, the vanilla you bake with. I took a cottonball and rubbed the vanilla all over her sunburn. It worked miracles.

On the last day of camp almost everybody said something about how they can’t wait to go home and get away from kids. I found that funny because my situation is the exact opposite. I even offered to my coworkers if they ever wanted to see kids they could come over. All of them said no. One of the guys however kept bugging me because he wants to double date. He lives in Keller. He’s not one of the guys I was ever planning on seeing again… so I told him sure we could knowing that it will probably never materialize. He doesn’t have any way to contact me unless he gets my number from someone so hehehe yes I’m kind of evil.

So as a joke as far as saying inappropriate things in front of kids JoAnna, Cody and I made up a phrase which I am not posting here… it had the same first letters as the phrase fluffy puppy butterfly. Anyway so like once we were leading songs for the kids at premeal and I asked them what we should sing next. JoAnna offered “your mom” as a suggestion, and Cody whispered our phrase in my ear. What help they were… they were my best friends so it was all okay. I think my favorite moment was during the gala, we were being recognized as staff members. It was Cody’s turn and as he was standing up I noted that he was the only one looking in my direction so I mouthed it and he started laughing that laugh that I love. JoAnna also had a laugh that I loved. She would laugh when she found something funny. She wouldn’t giggle or snicker, she would LAUGH! I loved it!

TobyMac is awesome. His lyrics are cleverly crafted, his music is positive and inspiring, and he is fun also. I want to see him again in concert because the time I went I think it was off night cuz he was just ok. I like how he promotes a diverse message. He incorporates people of all colors in his music.

Songs I am loving
Britney Spears – Hit Me Baby One More Time
Thousand Foot Krutch – Hit The Floor
The Classic Crime – Just A Man

I forgot a title the first go round

This week was two camps! From Monday-Saturday it was campcampcamp. I feel like last week was a whole month long. I really wanted to go home but I don’t really have time or a ride. I’m fine with it. I’m going to use the time to rest and just relax after a week of camp. There are so many kids that were just so cute like Brianna, Bianca, Ramone, Jacob, Tyler, Victoria, Clarissa, Taylor and so many others.

Ramone was THE ladies man. He had smooth words for the ladies such as “Is that sun shining or is that you smiling?” Of course Cody was feeding him those lines, but he was young enough that it was adorable to hear him saying it. He claimed me as his girlfriend along with four other girls. Eventually he narrowed it down to me.

Cody: so how are your 25 girlfriends?
Ramone: well I had 25 but I narrowed it down to 7 and now I am down to one.
Cody: who is that?
Ramone: it is a counselor… named Camie

Cody: Ramone kill her *pointing at me*
Ramone: Okay! *wraps arms around me and kisses me on the cheek*

Ramone made us all laugh. He asked for my number today on the last day of camp and I told him no, partly because he was eight and partly because I am legally not allowed to communicate with campers outside of camp.
The other super cute kid was Cutter.

Cutter: can I come up and ask a question?
Darlene: yes what is your question?
Cutter: I have four quarters that equal a dollar, can I buy an ice cream cone before we leave

Cutter: I kicked a frog in the anus and then he peed on my foot because it’s his defense mesichism.

Cutter was eight also, and he was always drinking something be it water, a coke etc…

Jacob: I am dancing every dance because there are a lot of girls and I don’t want any to feel left out.

Jacob was thirteen and another cutie. He had yelled I LOVE YOU for no reason at me in the game room and yelled I LOVE YOU TOO back at him and from then on we always waved at each other and said hi.

I had that awkward moment when me and another camper were wearing the exact same shorts, same size and all.

Today JoAnna, Cody and I went to Hastings. It was like half price books and Barnes and Nobles baby, assuming bookstores can have babies. It had so many clearance shelves and reduced prices books like half price but it also had new books like Barnes and Noble would. I think we were in there for at least two hours. I left my purse in the car so I wouldn’t buy anything. JoAnna loved the store and Cody bought a new book to read.

The kind of creepy thing about camp is how I’m a counselor and I am now
seeing the counselor side of things instead of just being a little camper. It makes me feel old, but not in a bad way. I really do feel grownup now, like instead of just the college freshman, or feeling like I’m only sixteen. I’ve felt like I’m only sixteen for about three years now. I’m pretty sure I’ll shed a lot of tears at SpecTra camp because of the memories I have made when I was a camper there.

In the book about shyness, I found a cool list.

You CAN control
-your thoughts
-your feelings
-your behavior
-your attitude
-your direction in life
-how you spend your time
-who you spend time with
-how long you stay in a social situation

You canNOT control
-others attitudes
-what others say
-how people treat you
-social obligations

it’s a good list. because sometimes I have felt like if I do certain things than I can change peoples minds or attitudes. Also it talked about how a lot of people don’t come across as shy because they don’t act shy usually… and it talked about people who are slow to warm up. I believe I fit into that category.

Drops of Jupiter is the song I feel describes my life at this moment. Basically the slump I was in earlier this semester and now I feel like I am back.

“And tell me did Venus blow your mind.
Was it everything you wanted to find.
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there.”

I don’t feel that I am the song singer, but the person he is singing about.

Songs I am digging:
Train – Drops of Jupiter
Eminem – Not Afraid
Star Wars – May The Force Be With You theme

19 Minutes

The first camp came through. That was so much fun. Getting to know my campers were really cool! I had girls in my cabin and a pink color group of older kids aged 13-15 that I led around to the different activities. Some of my favorite kids were Carson, Morgan, Braxton, and Kayla. Beyond that I loved all the kids but those few stood out in my mind. I wish I could really share with you how cute they were and how they affected my life but I can’t really put it into words.

JoAnna makes me laugh like no other. We are dormmates here at camp. She is very blunt but not in a super rude way, just in a JoAnna way. I don’t have a quote off the top of my head but she really make me laugh. Sometimes what she says isn’t funny at all but it’s the fact that she said it.

I’m having those moments when I decide to give up on people. By giving up on people I don’t mean that I find them hopeless, I’m just giving up on trying to be a control freak and help them. I want them to know that I’m here for them if they need me but I’m not going to force myself into their lives. I’m also really working on putting into practice my new life motto, “Do the right thing”. Today, I spoke up in a situation where I normally would have gotten nervous and kept my mouth shut. I’m not going to write about it here for work reasons but if you want the story than let me know.

Sometimes I can be really hyper and excited about everything while other times I feel quiet and contemplative. Today was a quiet and contemplative day. Today I thought about all the people I loved and how blessed I am to be where I am.
Yesterday I read the book ’19 Minutes’ by Jodi Picoult. It was riveting, it made me cry, and it made me feel like doing something to change the world. It was about a boy bullied his whole life and eventually he goes and shoots a bunch of people at school. The way the author writes the book you can see why he did it and it’s hard to point a finger at anybody as far as it being somebody’s fault. I saw a lot of places where people did things and it made me resolve to never do such things, such as abandoning friends or bullying.

This is a picture of me and Bennet’s cutie daughter.

Ahhh

I’m going to work on not being shy. A lot of people that read that sentence may not believe it. Almost everybody I talk to believe I am not shy. I’m not shy as in I can’t talk to people at all… Just sometimes silly questions make me nervous and my mind goes blank “would you like that for here or to go?” “are you paying with cash or credit?” “what are you doing here at the library?” Also sometimes just talking to somebody about something really simple is hard. I read in one shy book at the library that the difference between introverted and shy people is that introverted people don’t talk to people and don’t want to. Shy people are dying to talk to people but get too nervous. I ordered a book about it and I’ll let you know what I learn.

I went to Laurens apartment for a forenight and I had a marvelous time! we stayed up all night! we went swimming, toured her college, got coffee, made cupcakes, watches a movie, danced and not in that order.

I have a bad habit of taking things too personally when people get upset. Aron for example. He’ll get upset over something for whatever reason and I’ll take it personally that he’s mad at me and I’ll get upset. We just worked that out where he says “it’s not you, I’m
just frustrated.”
Me: Tell me what her name is!
Aron: Look there is a puppy dog in the sky!

Also the issue of gossip. Too many people like gossiping here and I’m
kinda being put in the middle here and I’m stressing out. So I’m taking Sam’s advice and telling people to stuff it.

I don’t know what I would do without Allie, Aron, Lauren Philip and Sam. btw that is alphabetical order not favorite order….

I love TobyMac’s song One World…..

one world oughta be more than enough
And if it’s not is God looking down in pure disgust?
wondering what the dilly with the silly I see?
I made each of these in the image of me

….and his song I’m For You….

whatever I gotta be, I’ll be for you
whatever you need from me to see you through.
everyone of us has stumbled
everybody’s humbled
we hit the ground and our lives crumble
everyone of us will fall
with our backs against the wall
and everyone shares a need to be loved

….in the first one I love how he’s talking about how God is probably looking down in pure disgust about how we aren’t loving. in the second I love how loyal the song screams out.

Songs I’m digging
TobyMac – I’m For You
TobyMac – Suddenly
TobyMac – One World

I am a guest poster!

My dear friend Emily let me guest post on her blog. Go check it out! :)

http://theyneversuspecttheshortone.xanga.com/751198437/music/

I’m going to extend an invitation for anybody to guest post about anything. If you need an idea than I’ll throw one at you, otherwise I’m open to anything! Email me at cartwheel@dbutler.com

Camp truly es bueno pt. 2

The best way to predict the future is to create it. -Peter Drucker
This is a cool quote I read in a book today. It is so true, but not entirely because we can’t control our futures… unfortunately. That is the perfectionist inside of me voicing his disappointment (yes my perfectionist voice is male).

As my eloquent sister put it “You like drama, you just don’t like being in the drama”. Alas that is so true. I don’t mind watching everybody else have their issues and their drama and their worries, and I love listening to it, except when it involves me. Then it just plain sucks. A little bit of drama kinda maybe happened here at work… In the mornings once we get everything in the oven then there really isn’t much to do. I sat down for about a half an hour on a stool and one of the ladies noted that and after breakfast was over she started having me do her jobs for her. Then my boss got mad (not at me) that she was giving all her work away. Even though I wasn’t the one she was mad at, I still felt like crap because I was involved in the drama. Again as mentioned before I LOVE DRAMA except when I’m involved in it. :( If you want to hate your roommate, by all means go for it, but don’t drag me into the middle of it. If you can’t stand your coworker than that’s fine, just don’t drag me into the drama. One other thing I won’t tolerate with drama… say you are mad at somebody for something. Now if you need to rant about it, then go ahead. That is totally cool. If you want to take this opportunity to talk behind their back with nasty things… that’s not cool. I will say something about it.

I am trying to come up with a life motto. At first I was wanting something about loving people… but now I am leaning more toward something about always doing what’s right. What that is supposed to mean is as far as getting extra change at the grocery store or watching somebody being bullied, seeing somebody hurting from loneliness, deciding whether to cheat on a test… all those dilemmas happen to real people. Right now in my head, doing the right thing is picking the high road, but not forgetting about people. If doing the right thing and helping somebody means walking on the grass at Memorial Circle then you will walk on the grass and help them even though the rule says you shouldn’t. If the unpopular thing is to stand up for somebody that everybody is making fun of then you should do it. Basically doing the right thing especially if it is the unpopular thing. If you won’t do it than who will? My motto: DO THE RIGHT THING

I didn’t realize exactly how much of a slump I was in this past semester. I think I need to practice a day of rest. I did not do that. My ‘day of rest’ still involved me doing things socially that weren’t relaxing. Thank goodness I have incredible friends that helped me stay sane throughout the semester. I think only a couple really knew that I was even feeling down. There wasn’t one huge thing and that is kind of what made me believe it wasn’t a big deal. All the little things did add up though. Anybody I ever cried in front of, or ever hinted that I was ever at anything but my best… yes you were THAT friend, one of the ones that was there for me. Some of you will never realize how much you were unless I write you a letter telling you so. I want to work on this year being a little more open with more people about my struggles and my problems. I like to bottle it up and appear perfect to everybody, but that isn’t healthy and it isn’t a really good way to relate to people since I appear ‘perfect’. I like pretending that I have everything under control and I am on top of things. I really need to be more open to my parents about my struggles. That’s probably my biggest area that I struggle with. I don’t want to be the child with all the problems running to them, I want them to think I’m mature and can handle things, when usually I can’t but I just pretend that I can anyway.

I just started reading a guys blog. He is originally from Nigeria and his name is Sammy Adebiyi. In one of his most recent posts he said that if Jesus was picking people for a sports team, he would pick the fat kid. That statement blew. my. mind. I mean who really wants the fat kid on their team? it’s a guaranteed lose! but Jesus would not only pick him but rejoice that he got him… Just wow. Think about that guys.

From back in the day when I used to babysit for the Jazzercise class, they would let me take the class if I had no kids to babysit. Because of the class I got familiar with the song ‘SheWolf’ by Shakira. Aron listens to this Spanish radio station and once when I was out with him this song came on the radio except it was the Spanish version ‘Loba’. I was weird to know the song in English but clearly hearing her sing it in Spanish. Either way I love the Spanish version better than the English version now.

Songs I am digging:
Shakira – Loba
Superchik – Hero
Jamie Grace – Hold Me

Camp truly es bueno

I know I wrote a blogpost that said ‘camp es bueno’ but I didn’t really mean it. I wasn’t really feeling it then. I was trying to have a positive attitude about it anyway. For a week I really really tried to be friends with the other counselors and it worked! I feel like I have friends here and people who care. I may not have found my BFFL but I think I am okay with that. I did want to talk about some of the social staff life here. Note: We have a lot of fake intercounselor relationships between people. I hope that nobody starts an actual relationship with somebody because that would be awkward. I have heard that it will happen anyway. So moving on.
Laura is a towel. Apparently that is a South Park reference, and she was trying to find a way to ‘insult’ me. So after that everytime we saw each other we’d say something like ‘You are such a towel’ or ‘what a towel’ etc… It’s our joke but I think it has kind of died down. :/
Terrah and I recently broke up. She decided I wasn’t faithful enough and she likes boys now which sucks. I’m trying everything I can to get her back but I think Nash has won her heart. I did write her two very lovely love notes which I worked hard on. :(
Maddison claims she is devoted to Sarah but I know I can break those two apart and claim Maddison for myself. It’s just a matter of time… and a matter of taking Sarah out of the picture.
Cody found the song of my heart… Baby by Justin Bieber. Okay so maybe I am exaggerating slightly. I do like Justin Bieber and I’ll talk about that in a second. I was working in the kitchen filling glasses and when he came to go through the line singing ‘CAMIE CAMIE CAMIE OHHH’ to the tune of the chorus. I think the funniest moment I ever had with him is after him and Terrah broke up we were eating lunch and he broke the news to me. I responded with “You mean I have a chance now??” and he got a funny look on his face and asked ‘Um, you mean with me?” and I said ‘No, I mean with Terrah!’ That made him laugh.

Related to the previous topic… With my friends who are girls and I feel rather closeish to, I like to joke about being in a relationship with them. When I still had facebook I would find a girl to be ‘in a relationship’ with or ‘engaged’ to. At points I often have 3 or 4 girls either that I’m ‘talking’ to, ‘in a relationship’ with, or ‘seducing’, or is ‘the love of my life’. I have been termed a womanizer by several of my friends. In person sometimes the girl I was ‘in a relationship’ with, we would be mildly affectionate, no more than what I’d do with any of my siblings. I do admit I am a very affectionate person, whether it is verbally, or physically but I try not to be too affectionate with people to the point that they feel uncomfortable. I was talking with a friend and she feels that pretending to have lesbian relationships is portraying sin and not setting a good example as a Christian. She did point out that especially if people don’t know you they could easily misinterpret your actions with your friends. I see the point that she is making but I personally disagree that that is what I am doing because as Margaret termed it, it is play and not we aren’t attempting to actually have a lesbian relationship with each other. Also you can’t control what people think of you. They will think what they want to. “Seeing is not believeing, Believing is seeing”. If they believe something that is what they are going to see. Out of respect for this friend, and a few other people who feel uncomfortable with it, I choose not to behave like that in front of them because they asked me not to. Do you people have any thoughts on this at all? Please be honest.

I heard Ice Baby last night when I was watching Stepbrothers… It sounded really familiar. It turns out that Vanilla Ice used the bassline to Under Pressure by Queen for that song and that’s what I recognized.
The song at the moment that I really feel like I shouldn’t be liking but I. Love. It. is What the Hell by Avril Lavigne. I really don’t find that her music is good at all… cuz she’s a brat in her music and her music videos but I really like this song for some reason. I will admit that sometimes on the weekends when the main building is empty I will take this song and dance around with the microphone in the auditorium as if I am her in concert. I do the same thing with the songs Secrets by OneRepublic, and How He Loves Us by Flyleaf. Just because I was typing that and I was listening to Avril’s song, I just ran into the auditorium and danced to it. I think I almost have an official choreograph to it.

I wanted to talk about how I like Justin Bieber. You know those people that people either hate because they are super popular and annoying or because everybody else hates them because it’s cool? Some people are super popular and super annoying but they won’t go away because people won’t stop complaining about them? Well I’m sure your first instinct is to go complain about them… but that’s not the solution. What if instead of complaining you pretended to like them and you used that to annoy people? That’s what I do! That is why I will swear up and down that I love Justin Bieber. That is why I will sing and listen to Baby by Justin Bieber. The same goes for Rebecca Black. It is so fun to say you love one of them and have people say what? THEY ARE SO ANNOYING! That is when you start singing their songs and watching your little audience groan.
I do have a funny story for today. I probably already told it but whatever.
Setting: 3am in my dorm Lobby.
Characters: Rachel, Philip and Me.
Scene: [Rachel and Me are singing ‘Single Ladies’]
Random guy: Hey who originally sang that?
Me: Beyonce
Random guy: Lets keep it that way.

Songs I am digging:
Avril Lavigne – What The Hell
Sixpence None the Richer – Kiss Me
Misty Edwards – You Won’t Relent

I’ll try and write more tomorrow because I don’t feel like I’ve written about everything I can. :)

I wanna live

Is it really only Wednesday? Oddly enough the week is dragging on. I believe it is because I am working the evening shift in the kitchen. It tends to do that to you. I really need to be up at 5:30am tomorrow but I am not falling asleep right now.

I love family. I love the idea of family, I love having a family, and I love making people part of my made up family. Generally if you are in my family you feel like you are family to me. Sometimes I see people who seem to need a family and I welcome them with open arms. I want a family of my own one day. I don’t want it now, but I do want one. I look at Bennet’s family and my heart melts at how hard he works, how sweet he is to his wife, and how sweet his kids are. I’m sure their family isn’t perfect but it inspires me. I love Bennet. Josh reminds me of him. That’s another family that is inspiring to me. They have their first kid on the way but already I see how sweet he is to her and the way they work together and my heart melts.

I am going to practice patience with the people who get on my nerves. My previous tactic was avoidance. Now I am going to face them head on and force myself to deal with them.
Also I want my old self back. The one that had fun and fake argued about everything. I miss that me. I saw her tonight and realized how much I really missed her.

I wanna live like today could be my last day. To give all I have before it’s too late. Goodbye to all the fear and doubt because this love is what life’s about. -Stellar Kart, I Wanna Live

I’m tired of pretending that I’m perfect and have no problems and know everything. I wanna live a new life. I have no accountability for anything. I am going to quit church for a while until I can go for more than going because ‘I should’. I want to be genuine.

Btw Laura is a towel.

songs I am digging yo dog
The Script – For The First Time
Justin Bieber – Baby
Sara Barielles – King Of Anything

P.S. I love you

It’s the name of the movie i am currently watching. I like it but i think it is more of a movie meant for older women, not young ones like myself. Although there is one quote in this movie that made me want to cry.
“You know the worst thing for a parent… second after losing a child? Watching your child head for the same life you had. You can’t stop it. It’s a terrible, helpless feeling. Makes you angry all the time.”
I don’t have a child that I feel this way about, I’m just pretty sure this is the way my mom feels about some things. It really makes me kind of understand her better.Yesterday I watched Penelope and that was a really cute movie. I loved James McAvoy’s character. Watch the movie and see what I mean!

Friday, Terrah and Laura invited me to come with them to Terrah’s apartment. That was fun! First we went to her house so I got to meet her mom, and brothers. Then we went on to Stephenville, and saw Tarleton State University and her apartment. The plan was to go to a guys house and they wanted to dress me up, which I am fine with. They did so and I think they did a really good job! My hair is still straight so I really dont want to wash it… but I really need to shower. Maybe I’ll try my hand at straightening and see what happens. Anyway, the thing at the guys house involved drinking games. I did become the designated driver, although I didnt think they were that drunk.

I am deleting my facebook. They wont actually delete your facebook right away, it gets deactivated for two weeks and then deleted. Why am I doing this? I’m just wasting my life away on it and I really don’t need one. And I’d love to be one of those people who can boast that they don’t have one. Also I used it to get praise from people. I knew if I posted the right things people would say encouraging words and stuff. Which is fine, unless you are doing it for the praise of men. Plus I kinda used it to look at what other people were doing to get gossip and judge them…

Some songs I am loving.
Tinie Tempah – Wonderman
Diddy Dirty Money – Your Love
Adam Lambert – Mad World

something to chew on…

“Sometimes the best kind of friend isn’t the one who sits there and listens to your problems; it’s the one that makes you forget about them.

Sometimes the best kind of friend is the one where you want to let loose and laugh about anything and everything.

Thank you.

Not because I told you all my problems. But because you made me laugh again.”

I saw that on sixbillionsecrets.com. It inspired me because sometimes I’m not that friend who listens to your problems and helps you through them. I used to feel bad about it like I wasn’t there for them or something but now I can see that sometimes you aren’t always the friend who listens and you are the friend who made them laugh again.

“Humility’s closest attribute is honesty. Humility doesn’t require us to be self-deprecating. Humility is not about having a low self-image or poor self esteem. Humility is about self awareness. It is important to be self-aware in relationship to our gifts, talents, skills, and intellect, but in regard to our spiritual health, it is far more essential that we are self-aware in the arena of personal character. If you see yourself for who you are and embrace it honestly, humility is the natural result. God isn’t asking you to say something about yourself that isn’t true. God is asking that we take a good, long look in the mirror and see ourselves for who we truly are, and then after that, to have the courage to ask for help.
Our humility allows God’s intervention. The word humble comes from humus, which is simply translated “earth” or “dirt”. Humility is about coming to grips with our humanity. The Scriptures describe a proud person as one who is “puffed up”. Pride is a determination to be seen as bigger than we are. When we are humble, we are down to earth. No energy is wasted on pretension. A humble man can be taken at face value. It is ironic that the imagery of being humble is one where we lower ourselves. Humility sees nothing beneath it in terms of servanthood. It is in this position that God finds delight in reversing the order. When we lower ourselves, God is eager to lift us up.”

I read that in the book Uprising by Erwin Raphael McManus. To me it was like WHOA! cuz I used to kind of have the idea that really talking about yourself in general, such as ‘I play the piano’ wasn’t being humble. But this opened my eyes to see that it isn’t that way. You can talk about yourself as long as you aren’t doing it to brag or to make yourself look good. I really like the part that says how God wants us to ‘see oursevles for who we truly are’. Just some inspiration I’d share with you guys as I am going through all my old quotes and junk that I’ve collected.

Camp es bueno

I’ve really worked on not being anti social. There is a group of us that hang out now. Debra, Aaron, Cody, Amanda, Joanna, Nash and Nicole. They are all super nice and super friendly. Cody is one of the sweetest most thoughtful guys I think I have ever met. He is very incredible. He reminds me of myself the way he connects to people and draws them out of their shyness. He did that to Joanna and admittedly me. Honestly it wasn’t that I was feeling shy, I just had too much on my mind and I really wasn’t ready to head to camp to work. I’m feeling fine now so it’s all cool. Joanna, and Nash are just hilarious but in their own ways. Probably one of the funniest people I’ve met here is the kitchen lady, Nanci. She made all of us summer staff write up notecards listing our five favorite foods. She got mad that we all put healthy foods because she wanted to make us a bunch of junk food.

Todd [who is an insanely cool adult] came out and did Real Colors with us. It’s a personality test involving colors. realcolors.org It is based off of the Myers-Briggs personality test but involves four basic personalities grouped in colors. I turned out to be a blue, which means feelings, creative, art, people person etc… it pretty much describes me right now. If you get an opportunity to take the test you should. It’s pretty freaking fantastic. I think I used to be orange… but I’ve drifted from that. Orange is all about fun having an exciting life and being the center of attention.

It’s really odd because when I’m feeling down the first thing I always want to do it delete my facebook. I have no idea why I do that… I’m now using it as a sign that I’m feeling dramatic and down. Anyway, another goal I’ve set for myself is to do things not for the credit and the compliments but to do them to serve others. There are a lot of things I do because I know people will respond with positive feedback and compliments.

That’s all I can think of for an update for now so ciao.

Summer woo

I’m ready to start my job TBH! I mean the training and all is fantastic but I’m ready to get my hands dirty in work. I’m also trying really hard not to be really anti social and actually try and get to know the other counselors. I’m bad at that sometimes and this is no exception. Right now you’ve got the old counselors who all know each other then you have the new counselors and I’m not sure how to fit into that. I know if I run into anybody who loudly proclaims they don’t care about the kids who come for camp than I might just get super mad. but we will see.

The athletic director at Hardin Simmons University is here. I recognize him from a couple years ago when we went and toured Hardin Simmons as part of the Fitness Health and Recreation project group. Also today Todd Williams is speaking to us today. I have very fond memories of both guys.

I’m learning more about policies and things to look out for to keep kids safe. They drilled ‘in loco parentis’ into our brains. That is a Latin term meaning in place of the parent. Basically the parents are dropping off their kids and entrusting us in their care as their parents. I’m really excited!

Rec Week was last week. That was a retreat with Intervarsity and it was incredible. The little small group I was with were incredible people.
Hannah was so excited about everything and so sweet.
Christine would speak up with these wise sayings every so often.
Lucero always gave us a new perspective on things, and we were Bible study leader partners.
Drew was quiet but he was funny but weird in a very good way.
Daniel was older but funny and very nice.
Sheiren was always excited and she kept us stable pretty much.
Marshall… well ohh Marshall. He was definitely a dork but he always had these fantastic ideas or insights.
Jon was our leader and he was just incredible. One day when we were eating lunch with Hannah and all her friends, one of her friends asked if we were married. LOL

What did I learn about myself? That I like having a little winddown pre-bed time. That I have mad French braiding and toilet plunging skills that I can use for the good of others. But seriously…

A couple people have been getting on my nerves. They were there at Rec Week. Gideon the nightly speaker told us that our the boundaries of our grace extend as far as the people we can forgive. “Is there someone here you can’t forgive? If so than your grace can’t extend beyond the boundaries of this room.” That really convicted me. With one I’ve been revolutionized to realize that she really looks up to me so I’m embracing that fact. With the other I’m seeing him as someone who isn’t perfect and he is working on things and I’m not the only one who is bugged.

I think that’s it for now…. I’ll keep y’all updated. Let me know what or if you want more to read and I’ll do my best to deliver.

One year down yay

I’ve been home for about a week. It’s felt perfectly marvelous to be home. I do still kind of feel like a hobo mooching but I love being with my family. I still feel like I am losing them partly because my main identity was them. Two of my sisters are taking ballet now and they are so adorable in their ballet costumes.

That is what my life feels like. I love the little pictures that have the words and cool sayings on them. Anyway at this moment my life is feeling sad but exciting all at the same time if that makes any sense. I’m trying to think of good goals next year.

1. Work on communication skills
2. Study and practice a lot more
3. Look to God as my refuge in times of trouble

And it is official now, Aron is my boyfriend. I feel like telling people but at the same time I don’t want to be that dumb girl who runs around gushing and annoying people. So there you have it. :)

May! Woo

Yesterday was the first of May. I am very excited and I can’t wait for school to be over. Partly because of no school, but mainly it is to start my summer job. Yes that’s right I got a job working at a camp. The first half of the summer I will be working in the kitchen, and the second half I’ll be a counselor. Exciting? I think so!

When it comes to school being over, I don’t hate school by all means. Just right now I can almost taste the end of school and everything I’ve accomplished this semester. Just one more week. I do love school and I try not to obsess over grades but to actually learn. I know that that’s what most professors are trying to help you to, but people can be really dumb sometimes.

One my latest and greatest inspirational songs has been More Than Useless. I don’t necessarily think that I am useless, it just shuts up the horrible meaniehead perfectionist inside of me. Viva La Vida has been another one. That one means LET’S GO CONQUER THE WORLD, with a subtle message against materialism. Just to make it a top three song list I’m going to throw in ‘How He Loves Us’ by several different people. Flyleaf and David Crowder Band play my two favorite covers of it. That song make me want to stand around a campfire, hold hands and sway back and forth. Mmmmmm

Today was our last class period of Music History. It was sad but happy at the same time. I’m sad because I really loved my teacher. He is like a little kid in the way that he gets excited about showing us stuff. At the same time I am soo glad to be done with music history. I greatly detest that subject.

Lifeeeee goes onnn

I’m sorry for no updating recently. I’ve been busy but not in an exciting “let-me-tell-you-about-it” way. It’s more of a “let’s-get-the-semester-over-and-away-from-these-people” way. I’m not usually one to complain and I hope I show that but… I need my amazing people. The few that are back at home. I met a couple here, Mackenzie, Jackie and Philip. Right now Philip left, Mackenzie is kinda busy, and I’m just Jackie’s resident. So yeah, I have met other people who are really cool but these three people I mentioned, I can feel completely myself around and I really really look up to them for different reasons. Like I feel COMPLETELY comfortable around them being myself. There are other amazing people but they don’t quite measure up to these three people… I feel bad that I can pick ‘favorites’ like this. I really try not to cuz it’s kind of rude to everybody else. I’m just overanalyzing again.

I feel like I’m losing people. I feel like I’m losing my family because they are all growing up with out me. I feel like I’m losing friends back at home. I feel like I’m losing Aron. I feel like I’m growing out of everything like that. I want to go home, and I did a lot last semester, but it just kinda feels weird now. But this isn’t home. I know I talk and complain about this a lot but it keeps coming up and bothering me.

So are a few other issues but the world wide interwebz isn’t the place to publish all that. I’ve been feeling weird and moody all the time. Crying and sad one minute and the next minute bouncing along.

On a positive note, I wrote a song for Theory class! I am super pumped about that. Finals are almost here, and technically I have seven, which really isn’t scaring me at all for some weird reason. Probably because I am seeing all of my songs coming together in this really cool way. I’m not practicing a ton because I’ve already got the technical stuff down. I’m super happy because I have yet to incur the wrath of my teacher [which I have heard is brutal].

Most of my teachers also know me by name which is AWESOME. It makes me feel good inside! :) I played a song for concert band. Well I accompanied them. It was hard because I’m not used to playing with such a huge ensemble but I didn’t totally crash and burn which makes me happy.

I gave my persuasive speech which I had totally forgotten about. Basically I had the big ten page research paper due the day I had signed up to give my speech. So the night before I was freaking out. I slept for four hours and wrote my speech and the paper and I think both went super super well! I’m waiting for results on them but I’m pleased with my progress.

Intervarsity selected me for small group leadership and paired me with Dusty. He’s a really cool dude, although I am not super close to him. I am going to try and get closer to him before summer starts just so it’s not awkward trying to lead a small group next year. We’ve been texting so I think that’s helping. I’m really excited about leading one. But at the same time things are changing…

I’m not trying to be sad about change, but thinking about it makes me want to cry. I know that sounds dumb… but still.

Oh and watch out for a special ‘end of the year’ survey!

Cool music
Tinie Tempah – Written In The Stars
The Rocket Summer – So Much Love
Christina Perri – Jar Of Hearts

I’ve been thinking…..

About stuff lately. Like if there is a difference between Christians who ‘get it’ and who don’t… I’m trying to define the get it. I’m sure you can name some Christians who don’t get it. The ones who are too busy being perfect, going to church, or just plain busy with what God wants for them that it makes you want to say ‘where’s the love’?

I have a few people in mind whose lives seem to reflect stuff like this. They may actually by all means be wanting to live for God but the impression you get from them is that they are too busy living their lives for themselves, or they are all worried about getting their stuff done, or they just worry about doing all the right things.
Well actually looking at that sentence is making me feel like I’m judging people.

Now the purpose of the commandment is love from a pure heart, from a good conscience, and from sincere faith, from which some, having strayed, have turned aside to idle talk, desiring to be teachers of the law, understanding neither what they say nor the things which they affirm. But we know that the law is good if one uses it lawfully, knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine, according to the glorious gospel of the blessed God which was committed to my trust. 1 Timothy 1:5-11

This passage speaks to me as far as not getting caught up in all the laws and all the commandments so that we are over looking people…. oh idk what I’m trying to say actually. It made sense in my head.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I have become a fool in boasting; you have compelled me. For I ought to have been commended by you; for in nothing was I behind the most eminent apostles, though I am nothing. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain. Galatians 2:21

And these two passages were for somebody who believed she was a bad Christian for doing something. This shows that it’s not about being perfect…. whatever, I’m giving up. My brain isn’t working.

I feel like I’m in a relationship with Doug. He is the guy who I am going to be accompanying for his junior recital. His recital is on the tenth. Before you can have a recital you have to have a hearing and have the people approve it. So for the past week we have been practicing at LEAST once a day for an hour and I saw him so much it felt like I was in a relationship with someone super clingy. HA!

Also for April Fool’s I decided to relationship it up on facebook. That’s right, Bobby and I were in a relationship. Before you roll your eyes, let me tell you who he is so you can have a nice gasp at my choice. I met Bobby in my studio class. He is about 30-ish [I tease him and tell him he’s 45] has been in the navy and all that good stuff! LOLZABUB! Oh yeah, did I mention that he is my uncle on facebook?

There’s been tension between people in a couple situations in my life. I feel torn in the middle and I want to solve it but I can’t…. not because I fail at life but because I can’t. Only God can.

I hope this wasn’t too much of a jumbled mess fail of a ranting ramble…….

Since when…

I’m supposed to be typing up a reflection paper about the speech I gave in class. HA like that’s happening. Yes that is right. I am typing a blogpost instead of doing homework.

Today was a busy stressful day. By busy I mean that I had things practically back to back almost all day. So much music was crammed in my head that it kind of hurt. Usually Tuesday nights I go to the complex council meetings but I wasn’t feeling up to it. On Techannounce I read about a Christian group that meets down at the local coffee shop seven blocks away. I’m not telling you at what time they meet so that you can’t chew me out for walking at certain times of the day. Anyway I went down there to check it out. To be honest, it’s not the way I want to spend every Tuesday night but it was just nice and relaxing to spend an evening with God. I met a girl named Becky and she seems pretty cool. Like not just ‘pretty cool’ but genuinely interested in being friends and stuff. I really try not to be shallow with that ‘oh they don’t want to be my friend wahwah’.

Spring Break was awesome! Yes yes yes. I think I have about six pictures that sums up the awesome week for me. If you want to see that collage than let me know. It wasn’t super exciting with good stories to tell, but to me it was amazing.

Me: Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaford
Allie: HUSH HE IS GOING TO HEAR YOU

Aron: When you are scared you are like a pansy and you say “eeeheeeheeeh”. When you are a marigold you say….. “Yep”
Me: What do bluebonnets say?
Aron: blerghblerblerblergh
Me: What do Chrysanthemums say?
Aron: Blup Blup Blup

songs I’m really into at the moment:
MercyMe – I Would Die For You
Newsboys – The Way We Roll
Cascada – Evacuate the Dance Floor

Tiffany Knight

I was reading a book called ‘Diary of a Teenage Girl: Face the Music’ by Melody Carlson and I got to a part when the girl had had a friend died, but it was a friend that she resented and really didn’t like.

“I used to believe that God had given me Tiffany Kight as my personal cross to bear-you know what I mean? That hard thing in your life that just never seems to go away? I honestly thought I would have to drag this girl around with me for the rest of my days.  But now she’s dead and you know what? I wish, more than anything that she were alive and that I could take her everywhere with me.  I wish that I could be her best friend and love her the way Jesus loves me and I wish I could talk to her and pray with her and all sorts of things.  But guess what? It’s too late.  She’s dead.  I’ll never have the chance again.”

Tears were runnin down my cheeks now.  “And this is what I want to say to you.  Everybody has a Tiffany Knight in their lives.  Or maybe you are one yourself…And what I want to tell you all tonight is that we don’t know how long these people are going to be around.  I’m sure Tiffany didn’t get up Saturday morning and realize that she was about to live the last day of her life.  So my challenge is to every one including myself is this: Let’s live each day as if it were our last, lets love everyone like we won’t be seeing them again.  Let’s live our lives for God so that we’ll have no regrets when it’s time to call it a day.”

I almost cried when I read this.  I have a couple of Tiffany Knights in my life.  I know they are in my life for a reason and I’ve kind of viewed them as ‘Ughhhh, I have to talk to them again.’ Sometimes I even purposely avoid them because I don’t feel like talking to them. I’m not going to name my Tiffany Knights by name because I don’t want to give people bad names.  I already talked too much about one of my Tiffany’s to my sister.  She said “I already don’t like her”, which was not the intention I was going for. Anyway, I wanted to write out this revelation.  There are times that I believe that I’m ‘loving’ people because I am tolerating them but really I’m just barely tolerating them. Or I go through all the motions and I feel like I’m loving them but in reality I’m just going through the motions.

“And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:3

Yes yes yes

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he’s holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
“Boy, you’ll never win,
You you’ll never win
But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I wish I could say that I wrote the above verses.  They are from the song ‘Voice of Truth’ by Casting Crowns. I’m ‘rediscovering’ them.  I remember this song as the one that would always play and it got annoying… but I’m sad I didn’t see the epicness until now.

I’m going home tomorrow for Spring Break! I am very excited to see my family and some other people also.

A very very old friend of mine has a tumblr and I read this on there today.

“Let us love. Is this word so deeply entrenched (see Psalm 119:11) within our hearts that it is impossible for us to sin against our God whose very name is Love?  It should be completely impossible even to think an unkind thought about another. To misjudge, or put the worst interpretation on what someone has said or done – it should be completely impossible. If this word, Let us love, is hidden in our hearts it will prevent unkindness from slipping in and embittering our hearts. Yes, there are times when we have to talk about wrong things that have happened. But seriously, if we can speak of those wrong things without our hearts and souls in deep withering pain and sorrow to tears – we have NOT love.”

Yeah wow.  I’m thinking of all those times I think bad things about people but I still am ‘loving’ them.  You learn something new everyday, and I like being challenged with things like this.  Things that show me, you aren’t really that awesome, perfect, loving person you think you are.

I’m also discovering the idea of rest.  I like to be busy always.  I can tell when I’m too busy because then I end up at the end of the day sitting on my bed sighing wondering when it all will end and when I can get away from it all. Also getting up the next morning is next to impossible because part of being busy is compromising sleep. But really by being so busy is it accomplishing much? There is a line between not being lazy and not being too busy and I definitely was over on the being too busy side.  Now I feel less stressed out and more at peace.

So yeah that’s whassup

I ended up giving a speech about canons and fugues instead of the Office. It was too short but I’m happy with it because I didn’t go over the audiences heads. I’m sure half of you guys are scratching your heads wondering what canons and fugues are.

Canon – song that repeats the melody. It plays the same melody at the same pitch and does not variate it.

Fugue – song that repeats the melody in different parts. First the melody plays [subject] then the melody starts again but it starts a fifth or a fourth above or below the starting pitch then the originally melody plays again [subject] etc…

Things I have been learning…

1. Trust God with everything

We talked about this in church. We like to throw it around but how many times do we actually end up worrying about what it is we are ‘trusting God with’. I know that I am completely guilty of that. For now I’m praying over whatever problems and then handing them to God for him to worry about. I feel so much lighter and less burdened because of it. I’ll talk more about some of those ‘problems’ I’ve been having in a bit.

2. Don’t worry about the future because God has a perfect plan

The story behind this…. FLASHBACK three weeks ago: the scene is midnight worship. The band is in the middle of a song. I feel a hand on my shoulder and when I open my eyes the guy says ‘Hey God told me to tell you to not worry about the future because he has a perfect plan for you’. I said ‘thank you’ and shrugged off the comment. Forward two weeks, and I had just had the CA job fall through and the summer job. I had had the perfect plan all lined up and now it wasn’t. I was thinking to myself, now what? What should I do now? and I was needlessly worrying. That’s when I remembered the guy’s words to me. God works with perfect timing. Always.

3. You need a community of people to build you up and show you things

I read somewhere ‘don’t be a lone ranger Christian’. Sometimes I think that to myself. I don’t like sharing my struggles with people partly cuz it just seems like there are bigger problems out there and plus I don’t want to add to their worries. Intervarsity has small group bible studies once a week. The freshman girl’s one meets Wednesday nights. I already had committed that night to going to church so I never actually went to one and I had a few other excuses in my bag. Then I got a message and a text from Kim [one of the leaders] about last nights. That was odd because I usually don’t get those. I figured oh what the hey why not and I went last night and all I can say is that I am very sorry I never went earlier. It was so refreshing just to be there for a nice girl’s night and it’s all the girl’s from Intervarsity that I love.

Pretty much…

Friend A has called me his girlfriend’s name twice…… which seems kind of weird

Friend B is struggling with roommate issues, depression, the whole nine yards…. :/

Sebastian just got a girlfriend so the gossip mills are going to start up and I’ve already got one person asking me about it. GRRR! It happened the same way when Philip got a girlfriend “because we figured you would know”…Yeah if you couldn’t already tell I don’t like discussing people and their love lives, especially my own, hehe. Mainly because it is usually gossip.

DID YOU HEAR THAT SO AND SO HAS A GIRLFRIEND?

OMG REALLY?

YEAH! HE’S DATING THAT CALIFORNIA CHICK

THE REDHEAD?

Oh it’s soooooooooooo dramatic

The Office

I love THE OFFICE! It’s about the one TV show I really keep up with…

I’m going to give a speech about it on Friday, YAY!

Beyond that just kinda like whattodo as far as like jobs and stuff… cuz I had my perfect plan, but now it’s gone.  Kind of trusting for now and seeing what happens.

Stalking… er I guess

I found my theory teacher’s blog.  I feel like such a stalker.  To be fair I was googling the location of the theory conference thing he recommended going to and it popped up. I’m definitely subscribing.  I love music theory for some reason.  I don’t understand why, but it is just so interesting.  Most people hate it completely but I love it.  It probably helps that I have had fantastic teachers but I love love it.

Kevin.  Apparently he gets ‘Kevin’s a girl??’ a lot [Up reference]. Kevin is a dude from Intervarsity.  I told him I liked his T-shirt because he was wearing a ‘The Wedding – The Sound and the Steel’ shirt.  For those of you that don’t know that is an awesome band.  The Wedding is the band.  The Sound and the Steel is the name of one of their EPs. I haven’t seen V for Vendetta and apparently I HAVE to see that.  Also we both need to catch up on the Office.  Which is okay but I’m already over analyzing it and worrying about having to field HEY LETS WATCH IT IN MY ROOM things.  Now I feel dumb for saying all that.  Anyway whatevs.

Apparently Sebastian and Mackenzie were talking and Sebastian said that they need to ‘girl me up’.  Um wow, and thanks for telling me.  I don’t necessarily dress that ‘girly’ on purpose. I know how to do it if I want to but most of the time I just don’t want to since the main reason girls dress up like that is to impress guys, or I find it that way.  Also I had a makeup encounter at camp that involved a fourteen year old girl saying ‘I look so ugly in the morning before I put makeup on’.  I guess I just wanted to prove to the world that you don’t have to wear makeup to be pretty, but it looks like I was actually giving the illusion that I don’t know about any of that stuff.  The few mornings that I do put on makeup I’m always thinking about how it’s rather dumb to be putting that much emphasis on your outward appearance since it’s the inside that counts. Another side of the coin is that Eren, Philip, and Jackie have all said nice positive things about it when I am wearing makeup. Eren and Philip it was more of a ‘yes I was right when I made that assumption’ and with Jackie… Well it usually is something like ‘Are you wearing makeup?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Girl gush’.  Mackenzie is just encouraging it over all, and my mom has always pushed it because it adds a little sparkle.  Aron always would beg me not to because he ‘didn’t want me to feel that I wasn’t pretty without it’. Beyond that no one seems to have an opinion. Mackenzie also has thrown clothes at me twice saying ‘these are girl clothes I expect you to wear them’.  I really don’t mind because it is Mackenzie, but her idea of girl clothes are tighter clothes.  Not like immodest clothes but just tighter clothes than I am used to… Ya, I know I am overthinking this, but I’ll just stumble my way into finding a solution eventually. Hehe.

EDIT: I also remembered the whole issue of shaving….  yes again pushed by my mom and all girls I talk to think it’s gross not to………… yeah

Yo man dude

Yeah…. So I went for the group interview, didn’t get the job. It’s cool cuz I might get the job down at the 4-H center working camp. That has pretty much been my dream for a while.

I’m also getting frustrated with intramural basketball… I’m TOO defensive and I’m not sure exactly how to handle the ball when I have it. Also my team yells two different things at me during the game…

I went over to Andi’s house. It was different in a nice, eyeopening way because they’d speak Portuguese and it was cool to listen to even though I didn’t understand it. Paulo came over and I got to meet her sister Amanda who was pretty cool and very sweet. We all went to the park and played soccer. They begged me to teach then football. I only knew enough to teach them because I had played with Sebastian’s group a couple weeks earlier. They loved it even though we played with a round ball. When we went to go buy groceries for dinner, Paulo accidentally parked in the ‘parking for new and expectant mothers only’ spot. I was the pregnant one and Paulo was my husband. We didn’t make a role for Andi in it. She painted my nails a luscious beautiful purple.

Taylor is doing fantasy league NASCAR and I joined. The reason he asked was because at the Super Bowl I screamed (to be annoying) and exclaimed IT’S THE NASCAR DUDE DOING FOOTBALL. it was Chris Myers interviewing a football player. He is a NASCAR announcer also. Taylor looked at me funny and asked “you like NASCAR” and I said yes. We used to be really into it as a family but we haven’t kept up lately.

Another thing I forgot I liked was World Book encyclopedia. I used to read that thing like a nerd. Because you could turn the page and read about something totally different than what you were just reading about. But it wasn’t too huge either.

This weekend Aron kind of made me realize that I’ve been putting my friends back at home on the back burner. I’m changing that.
Lauren and I have a Bible study now in the mornings over the phone. It’s gone well so far.
Allie has picture texting! Woo!

February!

I haven’t blogged at all in February. Someone complained so I am amending that. We have had four days now of delayed classes. That doesn’t mean we missed a ton of school, but the 9:00 Theory class and 8:30 Aural Skills have suffered from it. I really like Theory class but Aural skills I do not miss at all. I see the application but I’m not a huge fan of the class. My theory teacher, Dr. Berry, is hilarious.
“those who put in an honest effort on this homework got an A. Those who drew Dr. Berry with devil horns, not so much.”
“i am going to show you how you write 3rd species counterpoint that way if a police officer ever pulls you over and says I won’t give you a ticket if you write me a nice 3rd species counterpoint, you can get out of that ticket.”

Valentine’s day is almost here. I’m seeing the ‘oh I can’t wait to be with my bf’ and the ‘I hate valentine’s day’ and the ‘it is single awareness day’ people. It get’s slightly annoying after a while. I like Rachel’s attitude toward it. She is single but instead of whining, she sent cards to everybody in her family. I bought ‘candygrams’ for Rachel, Norma, Jessica, and Kate. I would have bought ones for Jackie, Katie and Whitney but they have boyfriends, and Mackenzie lives off campus. RHA is selling the candygrams and the proceeds are going to the ‘giving kids hope’ charity. I think they all are fantastic girls. I really really look up to Mackenzie and Jackie and I’m watching the other girls grow. One in a not so good way, but still I’m watching them grow and develop and it is so cool.

Intervarsity did a World Hunger banquet to put in perspective world hunger and how different parts of the countries have more or less to eat. I got to be at the rich snooty i am better than these people table. They threw out our extra food to show how much food is wasted… It was quite eyeopening especially when people from other tables came and begged for food and we were instructed to turn them away.

I made a new friend in my classes. She is in my child psychology class and my public speaking class. She also works at the dining hall I eat at. Her name is Cynthia and she is really sweet. We are using each other to listen to each other’s speeches. I gave my speech today and hers is on friday. I talked about my family (what else :P). I basically just told a bunch of stories about my family. I was supposed to go next to last but the two people before me and the person after me didn’t show up. I went last and that meant the evaluation sheets were on top of the stack and I got to read them!

I’ve gotten the are you and Eren dating/talking twice now. Not that I am that surprised. He said something about how people probably think we are dating but I don’t really care. We eat in the same dining hall and most people don’t stay the whole time like he does, they just come and go and that is where they get that assumption.

I am fishsitting for my CA Jackie! She is leaving for TMEA this weekend so the fish is living in my room and I get to feed it and everything! I hope it doesn’t die or I might have to sprinkle magic doritos on it.

The Lubbers had a Superbowl party. I went because Jessica begged me to. I was rooting for the Packers specifically because Sebastian was rooting for the Steelers and it also helped that Sara was going for the Packers also. Everytime a Glee commercial came on I screamed loudly much to everybody’s chagrin. I also sang along to any and every song that came on and I knew just to be annoying. I wasn’t paying close attention to the game but I liked asking ‘Who is winning?’ just for the Steelers fans since they never were in the lead.

Sweet skills

Three skills that I am very excited about but I don’t mention them much that way people don’t say things about them or make me ‘perform’.

Spanish speaking
Singing
Piano playing

I’m scared of hearing somebody tell me I suck at one of these or portions of these.

Mi Cumpleanos!

Ha ya, so it started off by Chad calling me at precisely midnight. That freaked me out just for a second because I was not expecting that.  I don’t REALLY talk to him but it wasn’t too awkward.  It was part of a bettish thing where I told him that he would probably forget about my birthday and he said he definitely wouldn’t. Obviously he was right. Aron texted me twice… my mother stepped up to the Words of Encouragement plate and posted on my wall, texted me, emailed me and about any other form of media you can think of. Lauren followed in the same pattern.

Rachel is a total jerk… meaniehead… schmuck [and only Rachel and Philip would get why those aren’t completely mean names]. We made a video to put on my wall and she said ‘fuc happy birthday k’ in the caption for it. Goodness what am I going to do with her.

Sebastian and them had planned a big ‘trash Camie’s room’ fiasco which thankfully they did not trash my room in the way they originally planned [original plans included silly string and confetti all over my bed].  Anyway Rachel went in the afternoon and asked my roommate if she was okay with it.  What Rachel told me is that ‘I was in your room today’.  I absolutely flipped out because at midnight on my birthday Philip, Whitney and Jessica went to my room and banged on the door.  I was not in it and my roommate wasn’t too happy, especially since she wasn’t in that good of a mood. I was worried about them bugging her too much.  Rachel claimed my roommate loved her but I was still freaking out. I skipped church last night and Andi texted me saying ‘Sebastian said he’s going to trash your room’ and I wasn’t worried until Rachel told me ‘Sebastian is in your room’.  I did flip out cuz I believed her.  I was worried he was seriously trashing it and Rachel also said he threw my bras all over the floor. We were with Mary and Philip, so we all went up to my room where Sebastian, Whitney, Jessica, Norma, and Mackenzie were waiting.  They had put streamers all over my ceiling, kisses all over my bed and balloons were everywhere.  Anyway the reason Rachel was in my room was to ask my roommate if they could do it that night so she was totally cool with it.

Basically I was freaking out about nothing.  I really really do appreciate all of them and it felt like a hit and run.  Part of me wants to say I HATE SURPRISES then I see all the hard work they put into it, as far as keeping it a secret and all the other things and then I realize that I just need to let go of somethings.  I pride myself on knowing everything or finding out everything but sometimes it’s better not to know or figure it out.  It’s okay to have a few mysteries in life that you can’t figure out or that surprise you.

I really am blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people.  I wish I could tell them all exactly how much they mean to me.  There are a few guys that I need to tell but I’m worried about coming across as ‘i-like-you’.  There are also a few girls that I need to tell.  But I need to say it in just the right way that doesn’t seem like I say it to everybody. That is something I’m going to try and do this year.

One of the best parts was when Sebastian gave me a Star Wars card.  He had remembered me as not liking Star Wars because I was going to give Katie a Star Wars CD for her dislike of Star Wars.  SEBASTIAN FAIL! Then he said he was going to go with a Jonas Brothers card because he thought I hated them.  DOUBLE SEBASTIAN FAIL! It’s like he doesn’t know me at all.  I try my best to hint that I hate country music, cowboys, the Dallas cowboys, sweet tea, twizzlers… It’s like missing both of your free throws.

Alas I ‘had physical contact with boys’ last night.  Hehe, and my mom pointed out how I had ‘boys in my room’.  I love those jokes!

This is totally what my side of the room looked after they left.  Note the lipstick on the mirror.

Grace and donating blood…

I. Donated. Blood. That may not sound like a big deal to you but for me, it was huge. I am super squeamish and I am slowly working to overcome it. This is a step in the process. It did take me a whole hour to do it because for 45 minutes I was too lightheaded to leave.

I just read this awesome book called ‘Unchristian’ by Gabe Lyons. The title makes it sound like an atheist book but it surveyed non-Christians and kind of pinpointed areas that Christians fail at in general. One of those points is judging people. That one REALLY hit home for me. I am probably the worst. It usually doesn’t come across in my speech but you were inside my head…

My goals this year are to study grace, and start praying with people instead of just listening to their problems. Also to stop judging people, especially if it is over stuff that just doesn’t line up with what I think is ‘the right way to go’.

The miles just keep rolling

Wow…. The Wednesday night church service was crazy good. Our pastor talked about how we may be scares to talk to people about Jesus but just praying for them. GRRR let me start over. Instead of just freaking out over talking to people about Jesus, pray for those people. It’s a novel idea I really hadn’t thought of. He was specifically meaning those people who we feel would NEVER listen or accept Jesus. That really made me think… Then tonight Sara was talking about possibly putting sheets on our doors asking what Jesus means to people. I’m going to do it. Like seriously. This isn’t one of those ‘oh I’ll do it but never actually do it’ things. That really made me think tonight and I guess it showed on my face because a couple people asked about it.

I love Dusty. He is so funny and so nice. I’m sure if Mom meets him than he would be put on the list. Just wanted to put that out there. :P

Saw Alex…. Partly cuz I’m dumb and was thinking with my stomach, not my head. >.<

The title comes from 'Here Without You' by 3 Doors Down

Clases started hoy

I don’t know the Spanish word for started. I was going to take Spanish this semester but all the classes were full. Then I forgot that, so I was studying spanish furiously for a class I don’t have. I need to work on my Spanish grammar. I’m okay at vocabulary but my spanish grammar sucks.

I bought books today! After going to all of my classes and seeing what I need and there are a ton and they are heavy… but that’s all the whining I will do for the semester.

My awesome CA Jackie nominated me for ‘resident of the month’ and I won! I learned that today and I was kinda surprised.  I’m pretty sure this award thingie is chosen from residents all over campus.  Not that I get some huge prize or anything, I just feel kind of honored that she would think of me and nominate me. Eren got a job as a CA this semester which I think is really cool.  He said that the CA’s in Wall/Gates are really nice.  He can’t stop talking about how great our GA Jacklyn is.  I should probably get to know her.

Today is my monthly facebook birthday.  People are freaking out because they know my real birthday in January so they are really confused this month. BAHAHAHAHAHA

Aron had a weird dream and it freaked him out.  I’ve been worried about him cuz I have never seen him freak out quite like this. It also kinda proved to me that I care 10,000,000,000 times more than I let on.

Songs I am loving [there have just been a lot lately]

Revive – Blink

Josh Wilson – Before the Morning

House of Heroes – God Save The Foolish Kings

End of a season… for me at least

Tomorrow we are supposed to go back to Lubbock. Mackenzie, Jessica and I. I’m thinking of requesting the front seat, for at least part of the trip, or asking if I can drive. Mackenzie might let me do that, or I might just sleep in the backseat again. I was worried our trip might be postponed because of the snow but the snow is not sticking. WIN! That doesn’t mean that it won’t snow more later. This past week has been pretty incredible but kinda sad at the same time. It’s felt like that last week before I left for college.

I think I forgot to mention Wednesday night in my last post. Allie had a meeting downtown at Barnes and Noble so Deborah came for that and we chilled for a bit. They built a new club called LoneStar where City Streets used to be. Deborah asked me if I wanted to try and get into it. I said yes because Deborah is somebody I know that wouldn’t do anything terribly bad and actually has morals so I feel like I can trust her as far as doing stuff like that. It is a 21 and older club so he turned us away, but he had approved Deborah’s for some reason. It was mine that made him stop and think about. Now it really makes me feel like I look twelve. HA! Then Sarah and her friends were downtown so Deborah got to meet her, and I got to meet all of Sarah’s friends. I see them around facebook commenting on her stuff but I have never actually met them. They. Are. A. Hoot. Colton most of all. I really liked him. Not that kind of like, just…. as a person.

Friday I drove down to Lauren’s apartment and spent the night. We watched movies, played pool, ate freebirds, devoured chocolate, and laughed at a guy on Youtube. If I find him I may share him with you. It was also one of those times that are hard to describe, but it was totally amazing also. I took my huge bag of Skittles that Deborah gave me and we made it through a quarter of the bag. Also a lipstick smilie showed up on Mom’s car. I’m pretty sure it happened at some point that night. I do need to go clean it off for her.

Last night was full of everything and incredible at the same time. Jessica wanted to do something with Aron, he was off on Saturday, and Jennifer had the birthday bowling thing going that night so I combined it all. I stayed out til 1:30am and it involved bowling, Ihop, 3D movies, poking, lots of pictures, and pizza. It was incredible but I don’t think writing about it will do it justice. I was going to and I really want to but there is no way I can convey the awesomeness of the night to you.

Unfortunately two people that I still haven’t seen or taken the time to see is Kate and Emily. It’s not that I don’t want to see them, but I just haven’t taken the time for them. I love them both to death. I swear that on Spring Break or something I will make it a point to try and see both of them, or something… I don’t know. It’s a pretty cruddy friend thing to do.

Good songs
Adam Lambert – Whaddya Want From Me
The Classic Crime – Perfect Song
MercyMe – When I First Spoke Your Name

I need a title for this…

Why is Sam such a popular name for businesses?

-Sam’s place [convience type stores at Tech]
-Sam’s [the Walmart warehouse dealie]
-Fantastic Sam’s [hair salon]
-Sam Moon [huge accessory store]

It’s just something I have noticed. I do have a problem with place number one I listed, places number two and four are cool and I have no opinion on place number three.

I love me some skype buddy time, so yesterday Sam, Jennifer, Allie and I scoured Half Price finding all the great deals. Then we attacked burritos at Freebirds which are awesome as always and leave my stomach feeling nice and loved. I left my rings there on the table… GRR! I wouldn’t care so much usually because it is just stuff, but the two people who gave them to me are very very near and very very dear to me. I’d go on and on about them but I don’t think either of them will read this so it would be a little pointless. If you want me to write about them in another post speak now or forever hold thy peace!

Tuesday night Micah and I went swing dancing with Will. That was pretty awesome. I forgot how much I do love to dance. I also kind of realized how a lot of it is not set in stone and you do make up stuff. Or just go with what your partner is doing. To me the fun of it is dancing with different people and seeing their different styles and cues. This one guy was all about the turning and a couple times I was worried I was going to fall over from dizziness. Micah and I learned the Balboa. At one point the instructor instructed us ladies to be looking over our male partner’s shoulder. At that point, I was dancing with a guy so tall that the top of my head barely reached his shoulder. Hehe! Next time I am home on a Tuesday night I will drag Allie and Aron out to dance.

Will asked me yesterday what book in the Bible is a good one to start on. After consulting Jennifer, Allie and Sam, I told him John. Mom recommended Romans when I told her later. I figure starting in John will get him to Romans soon enough. Honestly, the fact that he asked me that question is just so cool to me. I know I am not the best about being a Christian witness to people so the fact that he asked me…. wow. I had the same feeling as when Rachel asked me to pray with her. The fact that Rachel felt comfortable enough asking me to pray with her is…. wow. I am so glad that God can use me for his purposes, cuz really him picking me probably wasn’t the best choice.

My New Year’s was spent in Missouri. We were there in weekend. PROOF that I am officially used to the cold. Thank you dear Lubbock for that. I didn’t have anybody there to kiss because Allie fell asleep early. Jerk! Meaniehead! Schmuck! I guess I could have kissed my grandfather. AHEM either way, I really enjoyed myself in Missouri. Me going off to college for a semester has taught me how to appreciate family. I used to kind of dread holidays because it meant I got to see my extended family most of them who really could care less if I was there or not. Then I’ve noticed my selfish attitude because I haven’t really cared about their lives either. I could totally ask them about theirs and listen. I did better this time. Mom’s parents are the kind to me that I have to spend a whole weekend with them to really feel that I had a good visit. While up in Missouri we watched the movie How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days. That was a hilarious movie and a reminder of why I don’t exactly care for boy crazy girls. We also watched Avalon High and there were so many things wrong with that movie. Girl. Power. Movies. Fail.

Here are three current favorite songs.
Paper Tongues – Ride to California
Manic Drive – Music
The Afters – Light Up the Sky.

I converted Jennifer to 89.7! I tried my best to convert Sebastian when he came up to DFW but he was attracted by 94.9’s sweet siren songs. I know if he lived here he would have the same dislike for that station.

The next 30 day challenge thing asks about your deepest fear. Hmmm. These last ones are getting harder and I’m considering quitting.

Catholic nation

It might just be me but it seems a lot of music majors and other people I’ve been meeting are Catholic. It’s following me…. I just saw an article in my grandpa’s paper saying Catholicism is good for America. There was a Catholic church next to my grandparents.

Invierno es fria

I’m sure you all knew the statement in my title that ‘winter is cold’. It is really hitting home now. Currently we are on vacation in Missouri and I have been forced to use a jacket. I am getting used to the cold and it has to be almost freezing and windy for me to want or need a jacket. Allie and Mom whine about the cold everyday here. WIMPS!

The other night we went out, Allie, Jennifer and I. That was a lot of fun. We explored ice cream and Walmart. Unfortunately we did not talk her into buying the purple fluffy unicorn pillow or the Hannah Montana bed sheets. We did help her find picture frames, corkboard and some snazzy nail polish.

I love Jessica’s little brother Justin. He is twelve and such a mess. I was imploring him to make me Ramen but he wouldn’t. I paid him back for that with several kisses on the back of his head. Revenge is sweet! Jessica, Sarah, Allie and I had our annual tradition of watching White Christmas. I also painted my fingernails a super girly pink and put flowers on them. That is something I have never done before.

We saw the movie Despicable Me. It was super adorable.
“IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GOING TO DIE”

Something I have been thinking about… If somebody has a different religion than you, or believes something that you don’t, is it wrong or bad to help then along that path? For instance they don’t have a car and they give you money to go buy a book or something involving it for them.

This is my first post in the beautiful new year of 2011. It’s kind of exciting although I feel I should do a tribute to 2010. I may do one when I get home to Texas. I should find the 10 most influential people of last year and thank them.
Any resolutions?
Get in shape
Find a style
Study
Become a theology nerd
Learn Spanish

It may seem like a lot, but last year was becoming a better me for others. This year is about becoming a better me for me.

With God, nothing is impossible.

This is me and Allie. I think the hats represent us very well.

These are pictures of me with my two best friends in the whole wide world.

Ok ya….

Sooo I’ve had this crazy idea that won’t die. It’s been there for about a month now……

…..basically there is a big homeless problem in Lubbock. And something keeps hinting this idea that the way to stop it is to get a homeless shelter or something. But I don’t know how that involves me or what I can do or who to talk to. It’s been nagging at me…..

…..i don’t know if that just sounds silly or not. Grrr.

Part of me says that I’m only 18, I don’t have time, someone else will etc…
The other part of me says that if I don’t do it that no one else will…

And it’s really feeling kind of like a message from God.

We bought a homeless guy Taco Bell and he seemed so grateful……

And it’s probably best to wait and pray. Philip suggested talking to Josh and Sara about it. But that is like three weeks til I am going to see them.

Gah! I give up on overthinking this. I’m going to be praying (and could you guys pray also about this) and I’m going to go read do hard things, one of the best books in the world.

Words

Encouraging words mean a whole huge deal to me. I am totally a creeper who saves texts, but I’m getting a new phone tomorrow so I made an email draft with all of my saved ones. I wanted to share with y’all some of my favorites. Some of you will recognize things you’ve said. You may guess who the others are if you so desire.

“I miss you more. I dread everyday I wake up and your not there..”

“I don’t think you are being naive or worrisome. At all.”

“Hey, I really appreciate every thing you do for me and being a great sister. So I just wanted to tell you that I love you… I wanted you to know that.”

“I don’t know that I know any one who has it like you.”

“I know this is random but have I ever told you how thankful I am God had us meet?”

“Sweet dreams cams. You will always mean the world to me. No matter what.”

“A good and clever soul you are. Don’t be a perfectionist”

“You are more than welcome. Thank you for making me look through my Bible.”

“No! I’m not conceited. I just refuse to put myself in a negative light outside my own head :p”

So anyway that’s a sampling of the people that are near and dear to me. I’m hoping soon to get around to writing a thank you to a specific top six or ten. Depending on how I get it working. Btw all the people mentioned in the tags are the people quoted and they are all awesome.

I love love hehehe

“And I hope you know that someone out there LOVES you.” -The Classic Crime, The Way That You Are

“Someone LOVES you, even when you don’t think so. Don’t you know, you’ve got me and Jesus.” -Stellar Kart, Me and Jesus

“Working everyday I’m afraid I forgot to show what’s most important, LOVE” -The Rocket Summer, Of Men and Angels

“No I don’t hate you, don’t want to fight you. Know I’ll always LOVE you but right now I just don’t like you.” -Relient K, Which To Bury, Us or the Hatchet

“Those three words are said too much. They are not enough.” -Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars

“Your LOVE has broken my defense let me embrace salvation.”
“Your LOVE regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me” – Relient K, I Am Understood?

“Thats the least I could do, after what we’ve been through. I wrote these words because I LOVE you” -The Wedding, This One’s For You

“She said ‘Like it or not, that’s the way it’s gotta be. You’ve got to love yourself if you can ever LOVE me'” -Lifehouse, Whatever it Takes

“I just couldn’t see that there was a LOVE in your arms just waiting for me.” -Eleventyseven, Love In Your Arms

Here I go…

Two songs that are full of WIN (no Matthew Thiessen this time)

Fight Inside – Red
Hey There Delilah – Plain White T’s

Philip mailed my purse today so it should get here tomorrow afternoon. YAY! He is awesome. He won’t let me pay him back. He said me waking him up four times is payment enough.

I met my facebook ‘stalker’ Brenden Kyer today. He is winsauce, but I am dumb an don’t do groups well so I didn’t really talk to him. I also got to see Bennet. It reminded me that he i awesome and why I love him so much.

“You are worth more to me than a shirt.” I don’t think Aron realizes how much hearing that means to me. That quote came from tonight that included Allie falling in the pool, me tearing his shirt and Lost.

EDIT: this is post #100

Girl decides to be emo and write a poem

Oh why did I tell him??
Now I am constantly reminded
Constantly bombarded with it

It hurts
it really hurts a lot
That’s the one way to describe it

Most people like it

I don’t

Grrr another reason to hate the stupid game.
I know it’s all my own fault
Maybe i’ll learn one day

Home

I’m home for the winter break. I hate breaks really. It throws off my schedule. Then I feel torn in a thousand different places to see people (not that I don’t want to see you guys) but it is stressful for me. Partly because I am also trying to figure out my new role in our family. I’m used to being a kid who asks for everything and now I’m being told I don’t have to ask. Also Lubbock doesn’t feel like home, and my house feels like the place I used to live. Mizz Lauren Kershner reminded me to pray about it in that amazing way of hers.

Tonight we went to an epic piano concert. A lot of pianos played all sorts of Christmas music including some of my favorites. Driving there (Dallas) was pretty nerveracking for me. I need more Dallas practice.

1 Corinthians 13 – how can I love people more?? Am I loving people the way I should???

I want my life to have purpose. I want my purse back (I left it in Lubbock) and I’ve been mooching off of Allie. I want people to stop reading too much into things when I talk about a guy a lot. I want to live in a house with a few special people forever.

Matthew Thiessen

I have ‘rediscovered’ Relient K.  You know when you don’t really listen to a band for a while then you come back and do, and you remember how amazing they are? I just did that to my favorite band ever.  Partly because a lot of their songs have something to do with my life.  Also because Matthew Thiessen [aka Matty T]…. writes the BEST lyrics ever [he also wrote a song called The Best Thing.  Look it up]. Some of my favorite lyrics

Mood Rings – And i’ve contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man. Let’s get emotional girls to all wear mood rings so we’ll be tipped off to when they’re ticked off cause we’ll know just what they’re thinking.

I Am Understood? – Sometimes it’s embarrassing to talk to you. To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. I’ll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

I So Hate Consequences – And after all of my alibis desert me I just want to get by I don’t want nothing to hurt me. I had no idea where my head was at mut if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that because I just want for all of this to end.

More Than Useless – And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all and sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all. But then you assure me I’m a little more than useless and when I think that I can’t do this. You promise me that I’ll get through this and do something right do something right for once.

Which To Bury, Us or the Hatchet – No, I don’t hate you, don’t want to fight you, know I’ll always love you but right now I just don’t like you.

When I Go Down – When I go down I go down hard and I take everything I’ve learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down it hurts to hit the bottom and of the things that got me there I think, if only I had fought them.

Forgiven – Cause we’re all guilty of the same things. We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through. And I know that I have been forgiven. And I just hope you can forgive me too.

Up and Up – Yesterday is not quite what it could’ve been. As were most of all the days before but I swear today with every breath I’m breathing in. I’ll be trying to make it so much more. Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what’s gone wrong and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see.

Some pictures! [yay pictures]

Best. Album. Ever. It’s their fifth album, first cd with five people and if you notice with their shadows they are tallying a five.  John, Dave, Matty T, Jon, Matt.

John, Ethan [new drummer], Matty T, Matt, Jon.

This picture is just hilarious in my opinion [partly because it is the great Matty T by himself.

Here are two more pictures which I love, but they are copyrighted so I’m putting links to them.

http://raechel.deviantart.com/art/Relient-K-Skittles-Logo-29591699?q=sort%3Atime+favby%3Awhitecanvasincolour&qo=2

Day 20 – A talent of yours

Yes I know lame, since I haven’t touched the 30 day challenge for a bit.  But Sam requested I finish it so I thought I’d take another crack at it.

A talent of mine, hmmm.  Should I be lazy and pick my major?

It’s tempting me…..

I play the piano really well.  YAWN! Everybody knows that.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm

I think I will just go and say that a talent I have is making people laugh.

FOR NARNIA

You probably have noticed that my blog is snowing.  Isn’t that just cool? I think it’s legit.

I’m ready to come home and I have another week! It’s finals week and I really don’t need to study that much so I am catching up on my social life.  That means that I have lived in the lobby last night and Wednesday night.  Rachel left early both times because she needs dark to sleep.  Tonight we are going to Starbucks and Eren is going to join our little group.  The one thing I am worried about is people trying to hug Eren because he is NOT a touchy person at all.  He jumped majorly once when my feet bumped his under the table, he also will NOT let me touch his laptop or his phone…actually I touched his phone once and I’m not sure why I was granted that privilege.  Anyway, right now I am in the lobby watching people rush out the door for their finals. I’m so glad I dont have a final today.

That’s about it, I am using Philip’s laptop and it is about to die so ciao!

Parents… grrrr

So I’ve got a bunch of new parents.

Sue is my father [don’t even ask].  I’m pretty sure I don’t have a mother in that combo.

Mackenzie is my Lubbock mother and she is married to Josh (Richards) who is my stepdad.  I go back and forth between them when it’s convenient picking different favorite parents everytime.  I’m pretty sure Philip is my real father but I haven’t asked my mother Mackenzie if that is true or not.  Anyway so that makes Sebastian my half brother, and I do everything I can to bug him as every good half-sister should.

I’ve got a little nephew named Brenden who keeps begging for a WII or a Lamborgini for Christmas because he’s been good! He also wants me to write a letter to Santa in Elvish because I am the best aunt every who can do ANYTHING.

Then back at home I’m pretty sure Jennifer and Sam are my mom and dad but if they aren’t than they are just my older brother and sister who has stepped up as the parents in the family and scream at me when I even touch guys [not really screaming btw for anybody who was about to call the police for domestic abuse].

Who am I touching [that sounds a lot dirtier than I meant it to] and they freaking out about??  So far it’s just Philip [that I’ve told them].  I was telling them that he is the guy who taught me the correct technique for texting in the shower and somehow it came about that he creeps me while I’m in the shower so now he is ‘the creepy shower guy’ that they have to meet.  HA! He’s not creepy… although he does make plans to peer in Cesar’s window.  They asked who the guy in his facebook profile picture was and when I explained it was the guy who got busted for drugs the other day Sam started off with ‘grounding’ me for ‘hanging with potheads’.

The rules [according to Sam and Jennifer]

1. No touching guys

2. You can only hug Europeans or Brazileans

3. You can hug them only if you want to

4. You can hug Josh, Ryland and Sam.

At the Intervarsity Christmas party Jennifer warned me ‘no alcoholic drinks and no boys’.  Of course I had to text her and say BOYS! NOMNOMNOM.  She proceeded to warn me no flirting.  I said BOYS! NOMNOMFLIRTFLIRT.  She then compromised with no touching boys.  That’s where all of that started.  I am pretty sure I did not touch any guys at the party except for the obvious ‘crowded house trying to get through the crowd’ touching.

While we are on the subject I might as well get it out on the table.  I’m not really a hugger unless you are one of those really really really special people to me.  I don’t feel that I must hug every person I know.  If you ask for a hug I can’t say no, I will hug you and I do appreciate when you mention it first instead of just going for it cuz that is just kinda creepy. *coughAlexcough*

Tonight is a lady raiders BASKETBALL GAME! YAY! Hopefully Mary and Rachel can come.  I love those two people.  Rachel is my ‘girlfri’… ohwait I mean ‘fiance’ and Mary is her friend.  They are just really really cool.  I wish I could spend a whole bunch of time talking about them but they are that special kind of cool that you smile when you think about them but there is no way of explaining it. Mary for some reason trusts me to drive her car and I have twice.  The other night Rachel and I took it and drove to Taco Bell for food.  I ended up parking on the opposite side of the dorm that Mary usually does and Rachel told me she would explain it to Mary.  The next morning I got a text from Mary saying ‘Where is my car?’  THANKS RACHEL.

I love my friends.  Even the social awkward engineering ones named Eren, or the Antoine Dodson loving music majors named Katie, or even the loudmouth business majors named Sebastian.

Thanksgiving and other ridiculous nonsense

Thanksgiving break was epic and relaxing. So far when I go home for break, I stay up all night talking to Allie and then get up early the next morning. This time I actually slept!

Who did I get to see that made my weekend? My awesome family, Aron, Lauren, Jennifer, Ryland, Sam, Deborah, Margaret, Autumn and I got to meet Ryan.
Deborah, Margaret, Allie and I attacked muffins at Mimi’s cafe. Margaret gave me nifty hobo gloves with piano keys on them. Autumn gave me the scarf she knitted for me. Ryland, Jennifer, Scotty, Ryan and I attacked pancakes at Ihop. Sam, Lizzie, Allie and I attacked deals at Half Price books. It just was a great weekend.

Finals are coming up and everybody is freaking out. I think if we all took a chill pill it would work out better for us all. Honestly I believe that you should study your hardest and then take the test to the best of your knowledge and not freak out, ever. Going back to my deathbed analogy, is this final REALLY going to matter when you are lying on your deathbed? I didn’t think so.

There are five piano recitals this weekend. Why everybody decided to wait until last minute is beyond me. I want to go to all of them but I’ll probably end up going to two or three.

Tonight was the end of the semester Christmas party for intervarsity christian fellowship [yes it bugs me when they call it IVCF]. It was a fantastic reminder of why I love these guys so much. I haven’t gotten the chance to see Mackenzie in a while and it was a sweet reminder of how awesome she is. She said she would come meet Alex (if you don’t know who Alex is than ask. Hint: he’s not a mystical guy I am crushing on.) which is awesome since I had never actually gotten the guts to ask anybody to. She offered and I didn’t ask. I was telling her about Eren and Alex. The ridiculous part of my title is a tribute to her because ridiculous is the word she says all the time.

I need a talent to write about for the 30 day challenge. Something besides being awesome. I know if I don’t say that than either Sam or Lauren will suggest it. I was hoping to go with something besides my major also.

Perfectionism

Coming back to the whole ‘you can’t change peoples hearts’…. It just kills me to see perfectionists run themselves into the ground. I have two friends both Aarons (Aron and Eren) who do exactly that.

“my whole life I have felt like a failure, like I haven’t done anything right.” -Aron

“up until now I have had a perfect life.” -Eren

Perfectionism is different than having low self-esteem. It’s expecting yourself to be completely perfect in every way. It’s forgetting that we are human and make mistakes. That things won’t be perfect, that things won’t go the way we perfectly planned them. I have those perfectionist tendencies about me. I’ve taught myself to let go of most of them but I still have my moments where I spend hours kicking myself over something stupid I did or think about how I should have done better. How I wasn’t there for EVERYbody and how I didn’t make the complete most of my time etc… I’m working on it.

I found an old journal entry of mine “I was almost there. Perfect harmony with my brothers and sisters. Then cos of my immature, rash actions tonight it all backslides. It’s because I have a brain which I don’t use, and I have no heart because I don’t feel anything. Right now it just feels dead. I can feel it but it is heavy and dead'”

For some reason we believe that we can be everywhere for everybody and everything and be perfect at everything we do even when it comes to God. The problem is God doesn’t want a perfect us, he loves us all ragmuffin, battered and needing him. He delights in our presence even when it’s far from perfect. Sometimes even I forget that.

“Perfectionism is a disease that will eat away your insides until you are empty and have no soul.” -Camie

My name is Camie and I am a perfectionist…

Clases

Today in class I was one of three goofies who forgot to put my name on my test. Most people shouldn’t recognize me since he read my name out as Amanda Butler. My friends caught it and they jokingly gave me dirty looks. In class today we created and performed skits. Our teacher took quotes off of our test essays and he made us pick one to use in our skit. He picked a quote out of my essay and used it.

“Even technology progresses slowly. A caveman didn’t create the iPod. First there was live music, phonographs, radio, cassette tapes, CD’s, and Walkman players, then iPods came out. All the ideas built on each other to get to iPod and that’s the way it should be. Someone else’s perspective may make all the difference.”

HOLY TAMOLEY! My grammar was terrible. It was an in class essay and I was using pen. That’s all I can say for now. One group picked my quote to use for their skit! That was pretty cool. Our skit was called ‘the notorious bootlegger’. The scene opens with everybody in line in front of a movie theater. They discuss the movie Harry Potter which they are in line for. It seems to take forever and then FINALLY the ticket booth opens. A girl runs up and cuts in line. The other people in line aren’t happy but they let it slide. Then it is revealed that she bought the last ticket. The people are outraged. She quickly calms the crowd by informing them that she is a bootlegger and will sell the movie to them after she films it. Two undercover policemen (me and another girl) step out of line and arrest the girl. The people then realize she has the last remaining ticket and run after the police.

Aural skills sightsinging didn’t go too bad. I got there ten minutes early and mentioned it to the teacher. I think she was going to let me slide and not take the exam. She did save me for last and she assigned me a super easy one and asked me if I was going to sing. I did pretty good, except I forgot to conduct. That is a noob mistake. It was pretty cool because I can sing like a guy now! Or until my voice goes back to normal.

your face

Our little college group at church has grown to four instead of two. Delilah is from Lubbock Christian University and Andi just got into college. Andi is from Brazil and we help her out with her English sometimes. One day at the after church lunch they had apple pie. Sebastian and Delilah both said they didn’t like apple pie, so Andi told them they were fake Americans. HA! Delilah, Sebastian and I went to On the Border after church last weekend.

I was sick pretty much last week. Actually I started the week off in a really bad mood which was very odd for me. Then I realized I was sick. My voice is still in and out and I am hoping it will be okay tomorrow for my sightsinging quiz in Aural Skills class. Otherwise I might have a sightsqueaking quiz. Katie [Rosebud] and I have started doing homework together for Aural Skills. Kyle joined us this time and that was VERY helpful. Now I just need to make them stay together until Aural skills is over so we can do the homework because Kyle is very smart. Katie said “I like my part of the homework because I don’t do anything.” I said, “That’s because I want our homework to be right.” It took her a minute to get it.

Tonight the Lady Raiders basketball team played Samford [don’t know what college that is] and we won. I have black paint under my eyes because it was blackout/camo because of the military. I don’t own camo so black it was for me. I admit half the reason my voice will most certainly be shot tomorrow is because I screamed at the basketball game.

I’ve been to Starbucks TWICE since Friday. On Friday Eren and I went. He paid for his coffee and my hot chocolate but I managed to pay him back. Basically after he paid I said ‘here’ and basically shoved the money into his hands. When he realized what he was holding he said ‘What? How did you even get that into my hand?’ I just put my hands in my pockets and refused to take it so he pocketed it. I technically gave him 60 cents too much and now he has to ‘pay me back’. Muahahaha NOT going to happen. *remembers money wars with Aron* If you ask you can have that story. The second I went to Starbucks was with Jessica. She needed a break from studying so we went to Starbucks. I tried the Caramel Apple Spice and it was yucky. At least in my opinion. We went shopping at a couple of Tech apparel stores and we went inside an anime store. It was very weird because of the provocative posters of animated girls? I recognized a lot of the manga from my library job days. Then we went to the library and I helped her find books. I had no idea how unsaavy people are about the library. They plain just don’t know how to use it. I found a few books also.

I may or may not be slightly homesick… or at least counting down the days until I can go home. I got THIS close to getting a ride home. :/ My mom keeps reminding me how far away it is. I know she means well.